Husband helping and hobbies

[choccybuttonshelpeverything]

First aibu post. Please be kind. I suspect I am AIBU. Husband works away. Leaves Monday 6am back fri 7pm. 2 DD ages 3 years and 6 weeks. Weekends lately have been a disaster. Generally due to my moaning I suppose. I don't expect husband to lie in bed for an hour after I get up and deal with the children, but without badgering he'd lie on. I expect help without asking. I manage two small kids all week surely I shouldn't be juggling all the balls at the weekend. If I'm sat down I'm breast feeding, not on my arse doing nothing. If I pass the baby to DH I whizz around chores 😬 he does help... eventually after I moan but he literally needs a bomb up his arse. Maybe if he done some chores while I'm feeding DD2 we'd get quality (intimate) time together that he's moaning we don't get.
His second complaint is he's given up his hobby. Generally this would take at least 4-12 hours of one of the two days he's home. With possible hangover the next. I couldn't contemplate being away all week then taking another day away from my kids.
Am I expecting too much? Or is he delusional about free time he deserves?
Sorry it's a bit of a rambling post...

A person pulling his weight in life is not 'helping'.

He should get the same ammount of free time as you.
How much is that?

You are and you aren't.
Some people (not just men) need direct communication to function well. If he gets on with stuff when you ask him then that's fair enough. If he doesn't that's different - he should.
I do think it's important for both parties to get free time to do something that they enjoy & if he's away all week then he loses the chance of doing that. But equally you presumably don't get the chance either (unless you can get a babysitter in which case...) Can you compromise? Alternate weekends you each get half a day for a hobby / activity / outing (but no hangovers on a Sunday) so that you get time to yourself and time with each other & the kids?

I think he gets annoyed cause I still get to socialise see friends etc... he also forgets I have either one or two children with me.
So in effect I have no "free" time but he doesn't see it that way 😬

He's a good provider. Self employed long hours. Mantra is I do the working you look after the house. I also do work 30 hours a week when not on maternity

It's still sort of socialisation though (but I get your point, you're not fully relaxed). But I'm guessing he can't take the kids to his hobby!!

You have a newborn so your whole world will be turned upside down for a while. You're all no doubt exhausted and trying to renegotiate how the household runs. It's hard.

If you can I'd take some time to sit down together and talk it through. You should both have some free time and he should be helping around the house.

No they are still too small. He can when they are bigger minus the alcohol part obviously

Difficult one. He only gets one morning a week to have a lie-in in his own bed so can sympathise while understanding your frustration.

Although you may not get 'free' time, there's a big difference between seeing your friends and not seeing them - especially if he's away from home all week and isolated.

You have a 6 week old and he's moaning he's not getting enough sex?

Wanker.

I do appreciate life is a bit rubbish for him at the moment. But I just can't help being enraged whilst he's home and I'm still running around like a headless chicken. We have two small kids... life isn't supposed to include much relaxation at this stage. I argue he gets to relax sleep well and switch off the 4 nights out the week he's gone. I do bedtimes and mornings 7 days a week and everything in between.
I totally appreciate the sacrifices he makes to provide for us. But sometimes the small things count. Just one day of him taking the helm and organising the kids and himself. One long lie with the baby while he deals with the toddler?

@GabriellaMontez 😝 I know it makes me chuckle! I've pointed out many couples have a very long time off after a baby and if he doesn't stop whinging he will be one of them
He says I should be flattered that that's he gets home and he's after some 😳 just another bloody job to add to my chore list at this stage lol.

@ScottCheggJnr I'd never thought about the isolation I suppose

I totally appreciate the sacrifices he makes to provide for us.

Does he appreciate the sacrifices you make? Because it sounds like he doesn’t much. I’d end up feeling pretty resentful if I was doing 100% of the parenting and homework 5 days out of 7, and then the remaining 2 he was reluctant to do anything and grumbling about not getting enough ‘intimate time’.

Weekends need to be 50/50. Both doing childcare’s and chores.

@53rdWay I don't think he does. Probably because he knows I love being a mum so he doesn't see I've given anything for myself up. I guess I just make the most of things and do it all whilst having the kids with me.

What does he do in his 4 nights he's away from home? Does he have a meal in peace, a few drinks, watch some tv? I would have thought he gets some downtime? You are on duty 24/7. Teamwork is the best way for the weekend...

Had his job changed since you had your first child, or was he the same with baby number 1?

He says I should be flattered that that's he gets home and he's after some

What the fuck.

So basically, everything in your household is meant to revolve around what he wants and needs. What about your needs?

What happens when you tell him no? Does he listen to your point of view or just tell you that you're wrong?

He seems to view you as his nanny and housekeeper not a partner. We all have to work to earn money to live, and we all have homes to run. If he was single then working would not exempt him from having to do household tasks and take care of himself. So why should it now? Earning a living is not some saintly act of sacrifice - we're all doing it!

He should be bloody flattered you haven't kicked him out on his arse for being such a lazy and selfish git.

I'm sure he wouldn't choose to spend the whole week in isolation though if he had an easier option?

I moved to a new area for a job and for past few years have only seen friends on weekends. It's easy to feel isolated when on your own for days at a time.

Does he have any friends/acquaintances where he works or does he sit on his own every night all week?

So he's a sexpest as well as being sod all help at weekends?

pulling his weight, doing his share is not helping it's the accepted norm.
of course he should give up his hobby to spend time with his family at the weekend.
I'd worry what he's going to be like when you go back to work, will he expect you to do it all then?

He says I should be flattered that that's he gets home and he's after some
He should be flattered you are still there when he gets home, the way he's treating his family.

What sacrifices? He's still do that job if he were a single man i'd imagine