Husband helping and hobbies

[choccybuttonshelpeverything]

First aibu post. Please be kind. I suspect I am AIBU. Husband works away. Leaves Monday 6am back fri 7pm. 2 DD ages 3 years and 6 weeks. Weekends lately have been a disaster. Generally due to my moaning I suppose. I don't expect husband to lie in bed for an hour after I get up and deal with the children, but without badgering he'd lie on. I expect help without asking. I manage two small kids all week surely I shouldn't be juggling all the balls at the weekend. If I'm sat down I'm breast feeding, not on my arse doing nothing. If I pass the baby to DH I whizz around chores 😬 he does help... eventually after I moan but he literally needs a bomb up his arse. Maybe if he done some chores while I'm feeding DD2 we'd get quality (intimate) time together that he's moaning we don't get.
His second complaint is he's given up his hobby. Generally this would take at least 4-12 hours of one of the two days he's home. With possible hangover the next. I couldn't contemplate being away all week then taking another day away from my kids.
Am I expecting too much? Or is he delusional about free time he deserves?
Sorry it's a bit of a rambling post...

He "Leaves Monday 6am" and is "back fri 7pm" for work. But between those times, you're working too.

If he doesn't think what you're doing is work, tell him to book a week's leave and look after the children while you spend 5 days in a spa!!!!!!!!

Oh god, been there, done that, its so horrible and I really do feel for you.

How long has he been doing this for? I found the first 3 months were the worst, all of the little annoyances that happen during the week which would just be an irrelevant little grumble build up then you are holding on to them so they all come out in the precious 2 days you have together (which then ends up being shit) Then when he finally stopped and got a job closer to home the 3 months after he got back were bad too as I'd built up a weekday routine that didn't involve him and frankly he got in the way.

You need to have a proper conversation with him about how hard it is being home with a newborn, can anyone babysit for you for a few hours so you can have some time together. Make sure he realises that whilst you may be socialising, its all very baby related and (from what I remember) not always very interesting.

From your part, you need to acknowledge that being away can be a very lonely existence eating alone at night and spending the evenings in a hotel room. Is there anyway he can do some of his hobby then?

Good luck, its so hard.

What does he do in his 4 nights he's away from home? Does he have a meal in peace, a few drinks, watch some tv? I would have thought he gets some downtime?
But I guess this is like OP's seeing friends with the kids in tow - technically it's downtime but not. Only he has no kids but equally no friends.
I still think you need compromise. There's got to be a way that gives you both something better than now, even if it's not ideal just yet.

His job location has changed since our first baby.

Wanting sex once a week from your wife hardly makes him a sex pest. He doesn't force it on me.

He's away with a guy that works for him and sometime the guy they are subcontracted too. They are working rurally

A few good points made thanks.

Yes he would work so much If he was single, probably more actually.

I'd never thought about the fact that yeah he'd still have his housework to do if I wasn't there- although he'd likely argue the point that there would be less.

Hopefully by the time I'm back at work he will be working at home again. He is more involved in childcare then (I work long days so he has them pre and post his work) but I still do lions share of housework

I'm actually very surprised I thought id really get a rough deal here and told give the man a break

Pestering the mother of a 6 week old and toddler for sex is a bit selfish

Where does he stay? Does he go for drinks with his mate while away for work? I assume he probably does go to the pub and for lunch ECT. So he is getting downtime. You should have one weekend day on alternative weeks to yourselves. The rest as a family. That's a good compromise and a win win.

I'd never thought about the fact that yeah he'd still have his housework to do if I wasn't there- although he'd likely argue the point that there would be less.

When you have kids, you get a whole load of new chores that you never had before.

So of course there would be less work if he was single. But he chose to have children, so needs to do his half of the 'child' chores (in the days he's at home).

To be honest OP you sound as if you've got your head screwed on & you're prepared to look at things from both points of view (quite refreshing on here!) so I'd say talk to him. You'll work it out.

He sounds like an arse. I wouldn’t be having anymore DC with this prince.

@Glasshalffull99 it's a rural renovation. Living onsite. So I know there's definitely no pub or business lunches.
His downtime is peace and quiet with Netflix's

I'll try communicate how I'm feeling rationally perhaps a list of expectations and why I expect them and he can do likewise. That might save me Turing into a crazy screaming woman

Hopefully that will help

Why not show him this thread?

@Alienspaceship I thought about it. However he's very private, even though this is anonymous he would not be impressed

Sorry, but he has no reason to grumble about having to do 50/50 parenting at the weekend..! If anything, you should be the one having the 'time off'. Yes, he is working, but so are you! And yours is 24/7.. there's no clocking off at 5 and being able to have a blissful, uninterrupted 8 hours sleep a night. Why does he even need a lay-in at the weekend if he can effectively get as much sleep as he likes in the week?

And as for the sex.. how long has the badgering been going on for anyway, considering you're only just six weeks PP?! Have you even had your six-week check up yet?!

Things are just that much harder with two than one inerms of being able to have a social life/downtime, especially when they're so young. We have a 2 1/2 year old and 8 month old and both DH and I are on the same page that most hobbies etc are just having to be put on the back burner for now.

In terms*

Have a conversation about what needs doing at the weekend and draw up a rota. He can lie in one day, you the other (obviously not that easy if breastfeeding).
In my opinion your life is much harder at the moment. Do you have some support in the week? Get him to take the kids out at the weekend for an hour so you can at least get on with some stuff and have some time alone. He’s not being fair and needs to step up a bit from what you’ve written.

He's effectively got the life of a single bloke, facilitated by you OP (unwittingly or not).

He doesn't see himself as much of a partner (in the true sense) or a father, does he?

The time-consuming hobby, lack of engagement & support at home, demands for sex - it all smacks of entitlement.

I'm sure there's some things he could do from afar. eg weekly online shop.

Sorry @TheEndofIt I wasn't too clear he hasn't actually Been doing said hobby ( well twice in the 5 months he's been working away) just constant whines about his lack of social life

I thought id really get a rough deal here and told give the man a break

Like what, let him have his weekends as blissful responsibility-free recreation time while you run around like a blue-arsed fly?

It is hard when you have young children and you have to dial down your hobbies and socialising and lie-ins. But most of us, men and women, realise that’s part of the parenting job. We don’t moan to our partners that they should do all the housework and facilitate all our hobbies and provide sex as and when required. You’re a human with a 6-week-old baby, not a bloody domestic appliance.

I'm glad he's stopped, OP! Time-consuming hobbies & young children don't go together; it's all hands on deck for the first few years.

I'd be furious if my DH was sitting on his arse while I ran around doing housework!

OP, at this stage, I would say that being in the middle of nowhere doing a building renovation Mon - Fri is a lot less stressful than being 24/7 with a newborn and toddler! Regardless of what he’s doing in the day, his evenings are his own and he’s not getting up several times a night. Nor is his body recovering from a pregnancy, birth and nor is he BF.

My DH was of the opinion that his job was to work hard to enable me to be at home with the DC. I suspect your DH is of the same mindset and they do seem to think it’s as simple as that. The thing is, most DHs are never with the DC 24/7 so they simply can’t relate to what it’s like. They have no idea because it’s a different kind of stress and a different kind of tiredness. My DH told me that looking after the babies was something that “came naturally” to me. He also once informed me that I was “genetically engineered” to get by on very little sleep “because of hormones” . This is what they think. Babies are just something women “do”, like breathing.

It sounds as if his job in the week is quite boring and he’s isolated too. He probably thinks you’re swanning about meeting other mums for coffee and having a lovely time. In a way he’s not unreasonable for wanting a lie in when he gets home, but I think you should alternate.

My DH did none of the early mornings etc really and I never felt I could really leave him with the DC when they were very little, but I would be very different if I had my time again as there are long-term repercussions to this - ie you will continue be default parent for everything long-term and your DH may find it increasingly difficult to get back into the loop even if he wants to.

So my advice would be to keep talking; remind him how exhausting and emotionally demanding BF is and that all the money in the world will be no good if you collapse or end up depressed.

@randomonhere I often hear that I seem to do great on no sleep whereas he couldn't possibly function. I do 'great' because I have to there's no one to pick up the slack if I don't.
I think I'm already default parent with our 3 year old. Her behaviour is notably worse for him/when he's around which is another cause of arguments.
Did your situation improve? Thanks for the advice

choccy - it’s hard to say if my situation improved, or if the DC just got older! Also, my situation was slightly different in that DH didn’t work away every week. He probably travelled every other week for a few nights, sometimes longer, but because he was self-employed (.com /tech company) he was always working when he was at home as well and there was never really any “switch off”. So it wasn’t as if he was just sitting there doing nothing while I ran around. More that he was always in the computer or phone while I was running around - which made it hard to interrupt and ask him to do anything. Over time, you just get used to it and I guess my DC don’t really know anything else.
Your DH’s work does sound a bit more boundaried in the sense that when he’s home, work doesn’t come with him / do this is a plus. Also you say you’re going back to work, so no doubt that will shift the dynamic (I never did go back). For now, what do you think he would say to alternate lie-ins at the weekend? Small steps. As the baby gets a little older and into bottles, force yourself to go out for an hour or two on a weekend, so that he gets to learn how to cope in his own. This is what I never did and I regret that.

@randomonhere he's also self employed so does have to organise his materials etc for the following week when he's home/do paperwork.
I guess we are just stuck in the trap of woe me.. who has the hardest life.
I'll definitely be taking more time for me as the littlest one gets older and not having her so dependant on me as oldest DD is x