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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i interfering unreasonably

116 replies

Amai · 24/11/2018 20:27

A friend has left her husband to go to another country, and left the kids too. She left while the dad was away at work in another town and the kids 10 and 4 were in the house for a couple of days. A cleaner came in during the day and the land lord was close at hand but uninformed of the mothers decision to leave. The kids had to stay alone in the house at night for at least three nights which is how long the dad took to find out his wife had left. So as friends me and some others offered to take the kids when he went to work, today i found his kids had been sleeping alone again for two nights. I told him i would have them over and he agreed and I took them. Has he got his head screwed on right?

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 24/11/2018 22:03

Oh well if your friends said it then it must be true. Oh well fuck it leave the kids to struggle then why bother even trying to help.

Grow up and report the parents for being shit parents.

I’m done repeating myself.

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:05

Tenbob thanks for the vote of confidence. It is just an odd situation to find my self in, I am sure you will agree. The landlady has foisted this all on me. She Knew about it all before I did and did nothing too. I am trying my best goddammit!

OP posts:
Bangwhistlepop2 · 24/11/2018 22:06

Are they both Dutch? Can you report them to the Dutch embassy staff for abandoning vulnerable underaged children. Is it possible to do this?

I know you're hesitant in reporting them but what if the house was burgled whilst the kids where home alone? Or a fire broke out or an emergency of some sort? Those children are going to be seriously psychologically messed up for life if they're not already. Also, by you taking them in, you are enabling the parents to neglect and abandon the children because you're stepping in. Not that you shouldn't step in but by not reporting them to the relevant authorities you are enabling them.

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:07

And I haven't used Mumsnet since my dd was 2 so forgotten how nasty it can be. She is fourteen now

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 24/11/2018 22:08

It’s nasty to neglect children.

Which you will be doing.

If you don’t get them help.

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:09

The dutch embassy pulled out a few years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:11

So talking to the bad dad is not a good idea? Just give the kids back and report him to social services?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:12

And if they take them away they will be scarred like hell

OP posts:
Yabbers · 24/11/2018 22:12

Mumsnet can be unnecessarily. But it can also be nasty because someone is refusing to put the welfare of children first and gives a series of very bizarre excuses for it. And so it should be.

Call the police, those children are at risk and their parents couldn't give a shit.

Bangwhistlepop2 · 24/11/2018 22:13

Then report them to the Dutch authorities in Holland, I suppose they are ex pats on Dutch passports & visas? If you're worried about abuse from their 'dad' then report him anonymously to the police. But you do need to report him.

Weathermonger · 24/11/2018 22:14

The OP is doing the best she can in a situation we are not party to, in a country most of us have no idea about. It is pretty common knowledge that corruption probably runs rife in any type of authority there, so the OP is best suited to know what she can or can't do. It's really not fair for armchair critics from 100s of miles away to berate the OP, when she is obviously trying to do her best in what is obviously a difficult and precarious situation. Kudos to you @Amai for doing what you can !

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/11/2018 22:16

Unfortunately OP the drip feed about your location has massively affected people’s responses on this thread. I suggest you post a fresh thread with your location details in the opening post and you may get more helpful advice.

Bangwhistlepop2 · 24/11/2018 22:16

If they're left at home they'll be scared like hell. Report him to the authorities but state that you're willing to foster them until a suitable arrangement has been made. If word gets out that they're home alone then they could be the target of trafficking gangs. Do the right thing op.

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:18

Ok thanks, wish the world was a better place. Going to sleep, it is after Midnight and have a houseful of kids. Thanks for the support and advice as always dear Mumsnetters.

OP posts:
IAmBeyonceAlways · 24/11/2018 22:22

Amai - does your DH know his work pattern if he works with him? Can you find out and stalk check on the kids when you know he may be off at work? Glad they have you to look after them x

LynetteScavo · 24/11/2018 22:23

OP, you are in a very different situation to most posters who will be in the UK.

"It takes village..." applies in this situation. You offer help to the dad, and tell him to empty sobe help so the kids font come to serious harm. You don't hold back. In this situation you are the authority figure. The dad might not be polite back to you, but he might heed you. Can you get some neighbors involved to also speak to him to get the message though that he needs to hire some help? Nobody wants to have a tragedy next door....

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:24

A friend has left her husband to go to another country, and left the kids too. She left while the dad was away at work in another town and the kids 10 and 4 were in the house for a couple of days. A cleaner came in during the day and the land lord was close at hand but uninformed of the mothers decision to leave. The kids had to stay alone in the house at night for at least three nights which is how long the dad took to find out his wife had left. So as friends me and some others offered to take the kids when he went to work, today i found his kids had been sleeping alone again for two nights. I told him i would have them over and he agreed and I took them. Has he got his head screwed on right? I am posting from Zambia which has a severely underfunded SS and police department steeped in corruption. The couple I am talking about are Expats he is Dutch and she is from French speaking country in Africa.

OP posts:
bigballss · 24/11/2018 22:25

Call the police/social services. If anything happens to those children imagine the guilt you will feel considering you knew that they were alone.

Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:26

Will this do @JennyHolzersGhost

OP posts:
Original poster
Amai · 24/11/2018 22:30

Forget the new thread I think I will take your advice @LynetteScavo. Will do all i can to ensure their safety even the last resort of Social services and police if it come to that!

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 24/11/2018 22:37

My heart is really bleeding for these poor confused little ones. I can't give advice about a country that I know nothing about the laws and services I would only advice someone in the uk to phone emergency s s. You please make sure these kids get extra love and hugs and story time as they will be feeling totally unloved by the parents that should be putting the kids first. Such a bad bad thing to happen that will scar them for life .

RamblinRosie · 24/11/2018 22:43

OP, you are clearly doing your best, ignore the idiots with no local knowledge. I doubt that reporting to the local authorities would be in the children’s best interests, they are probably safer in the gated community, even if on their own.

Despite there being no embassy, there is an honorary consulate, I would start there.

I can’t really offer practical advice, as I (like most others on this thread, have no idea of the local situation) but I’m sure you’ll do the best you can, you sound really caring in a bad situation.

LynetteScavo · 24/11/2018 22:48
  • empty sobe = employ some

These children aren't the first to have their mother walk out. Fathers for years have been calling on neighbours and family for help or employing someone. Even 100 years ago in the UK (from what family members have told me) fathers in the UK knew they needed to get help, and not just go out to work and leave their children alone, even if that meant sending the children off to live with someone they hardly knew.

woodpigeons · 24/11/2018 22:57

OP I lived in Africa for many years and understand the difficult situation you are in.
I assume that if there is a gated compound nearby you live in a reasonably big city.
I also agree that authorities in some countries can be corrupt as have experienced it myself.
I also know that social care may be severely underfunded in African countries and such severely underfunded social care bears no relation to severely underfunded social care in the UK. I have seen such conditions.
In your position I would look for an authority figure I could trust and who, if nothing else, could give advice of whom would be best placed to help.
I have been imaging myself in your position and would think of your Embassy (assuming you are an expat), a church leader, the headteacher of a school, a doctor, probably more but these come immediately to mind. Also if you are in a big city there may be an expat society which could help as I assume the children, with a Dutch father, are expats.
Hope this helps and all goes well for the children.

Booboostwo · 25/11/2018 08:06

Maybe the best way to approach this, given the circumstances, is through the father’s work? Can you talk to his boss and see if the two of you can sit him down and find a solution, e.g. nanny, help from friend, mother returns, etc?