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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sad friend has gone out with another friend?

61 replies

beerandwine · 24/11/2018 13:42

Both 33 been friends since 15,closest friend.
I haven't seen her since jun and she only lives 5 mins away.
She has 3 days off a week but spends them with her husband as she feels guilty leaving him alone.
We talk on the phone daily and text every day.
She rings me (just incase you think I'm clingy Grin)
Today she calls me 10 am saying she was off shopping with (friends name ) and she hasn't seen her for 3 years.
I've been trying to organise a day out for months and it never happens yet here she is going out with this girl.
Yesterday she also went shopping with her sister.
So basically she can leave her husband yesterday and today but we haven't seen each other for June.
We both love to shop yet she doesn't invite me.
Feeling a bit sad.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 24/11/2018 14:12

You're upset that you haven't seen her for several months but she's made plans with someone she hasn't seen for 3 years. Don't you think the fact that she's clearly in an abusive relationship is the thing that's keeping her from her friends? Do you think that you should be more important than other friends and family? I would support her in trying to see what's unhealthy in her relationship but the jealousy is ridiculous and frankly a bit creepy

Aridane · 24/11/2018 14:15

oP - I hear you and get where you are coming from

MessyBun247 · 24/11/2018 14:18

OP try and widen your social circle. This arrangement works for your friend, but it’s not working for you. You need more, and she isn’t willing to give it.

Instead of feeling disappointed that she won’t spend time with you, make fun plans with other people and go out and enjoy your life.

LighteningDark · 24/11/2018 14:19

there are some taco-twats on here.

If I were you, I'd be making new friends, or having new interests. And I'd phase out completely or significantly reduce the texts - what a waste of time for someone who can't make simple arrangements to see you in 5 months when they live so close.

Move on and try and find other things to enjoy ....

SummerGems · 24/11/2018 14:20

I read posts like the OP and to be bruatally honest I can see why so many have problems with friendships.

Honestly, throwing your toys out of the pram because a friend has another friend and went shopping and “didn’t invite meeeeeee” is the kind of juvenile stuff I would expect most children to have grown out of by the end of primary school.

I can see why she doesn’t want to spend time with you, you’re lucky she hasn’t cut you off altogether. You seriously need to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
beerandwine · 24/11/2018 14:21

As if half of you wouldn't be bothered In my situation
Pull the other one

OP posts:
SummerGems · 24/11/2018 14:24

Nope.

And if a poster came on here saying her five year old was unhappy because a friend was demanding she spend all her time with her when she wanted other friends posters would be urging her to distance her dd from the friend.

Ultimately, friendships do not happen in isolation. Just because you’re friends with someone doesn’t make them your property or give you first refusal on the time you spend together.

Ngaio2 · 24/11/2018 14:24

OP your friend is in an abusive relationship. In addition it sounds as if her H is not in favour of her seeing you ( par for the course, trying to isolate her). However your friend most likely feels in a stronger
Position advocating to meet up with a friend she hasn’t seen for years and her own sister.
Keep talking to your friend. At some point she may feel strong enough to escape this coercive relationship.

Aridane · 24/11/2018 14:26

I think nga has it spot on

Carpetglasssofa · 24/11/2018 14:26

I'm pretty sure my friends do stuff without me on a regular basis. I don't know for sure though, partly because I don't contact them every day (or every week...)

Nanny0gg · 24/11/2018 14:27

She is a phone friend not a 'proper' friend.

She won't change whilst she's with her husband so either accept it or move on.

tinpanali00 · 24/11/2018 14:32

Either her husband is abusive or she's got some serious attachment problems.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/11/2018 14:34

I think her husband being and abusive controlling arse is what should be concerning you more to be honest op

ChimesAtMidnight · 24/11/2018 14:34

I'd be more worried about friend being controlled by her H. He sounds very controlling and she will need you even if it's at the end of a phone.

loubluee · 24/11/2018 14:35

I have a best friend since 11. Haven’t seen each other in months but she’s seen other friends, although we text and talk. Arranged to go out tonight. She then called to cancel as her work mates had asked her out. I was fine with that, we’ll just rearrange for another night (probably after Xmas now). I made plans with my dp instead.
I know if something was wrong I’d phone her and she’s be here in minutes, likewise. We are best friends, know each other’s secrets and worries, but we both have other friends and friendship groups, and that has always been fine with both of us. We need each other, but we don’t own each other. Our friendship groups and work mates have come and gone over the years, however we are still there. Maybe that’s what makes us so comfortable about seeing other friends, cancelling nights, cancelling meet ups etc?

BaitandSwitch · 24/11/2018 14:36

Op, I think you'll find the answer lies within a lot of the messages here.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 24/11/2018 14:42

Beer I completely sympathise with you, it must feel rather unpleasant. But, reading between the lines, I think her husband is a controlling arse who, for some reason, doesn't like her spending time with you. May I ask, are you single? It's just that he might have some crazy idea that you're going to lead her on a path of infidelity, much like the threads we see here about a DH going out with single friends.

KittensAndCake · 24/11/2018 14:43

I have other friends yes but I still miss her.

This sounds a bit odd and stalkerish - you speak to her every day 😒

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/11/2018 14:45

There’s nothing odd about the OP! She wants a real friendship with this woman - and if the friend is able to go out with others it stands to reason the OP is miffed that she doesn’t make the same effort with her.

OP just say you feel a bit put out that she never makes plans with you.

ID81241 · 24/11/2018 14:45

As if half of you wouldn't be bothered In my situation
Pull the other one

I really wouldn't be bothered OP. In fact I'd be annoyed if a friend was contacting me everyday. If I bothered to respond to those daily contacts then they'd definitely be further down my list of priority in terms of meeting up. I mean, what do you have to catch up on? You're in daily contact. You're acting like you're in a romantic relationship where you need regular date nights to keep the spark going?! And to be jealous of her meeting her sister... again that's weird. I imagine she doesn't speak to her sister everyday so actually has stuff to catch up on. And even if she did speak to her sister daily, people are allowed to see their family and other friends as much or as little as they want to.

You need to chill out and not over think it. You literally talk everyday so I don't see the problem. Also other people have said it better than me about the fact she might be in an abusive relationship- perhaps if you do want to spend your life worrying about your friend, focus on that element.

Original poster
beerandwine · 24/11/2018 14:49

She is the one who calls me every morning and sometimes tea time after she finishes work.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/11/2018 15:15

It sounds as though she’s in an abusive relationship. Have you thought how to help her instead of being jealous?

MabelFurball · 24/11/2018 15:20

Can't you just invite her round for tea/coffee if she is only 5 mins away? Say you really want to see her in person.

Original poster
beerandwine · 24/11/2018 15:26

I've tried talking about him to her but she can't see,she says it's because of how much he loves her etc.
I've invited her over,I've said why don't we go out for food with kids or even soft play and a natter but it's always "he doesn't start work till 6pm " etc

OP posts:
KittensAndCake · 24/11/2018 15:40

Do you think she might be using her dh as an excuse, maybe?

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