Loveless marriage - it's killing me now

[Lostmyhappy]

I have been married to H for over 16 years and have 2 beautiful children. Only there is no love, respect, friendship, conversation or affection in this marriage. I have tried so hard to keep it together all these years for the sake of my children by lowering my expectations every time we hit a new hurdle: he couldn't support us financially so I worked to single handedly ran the house (nothing wrong with him he just couldn't be bothered), he'd argue over EVERYTHING so I stopped talking, he'd belittle my problems so I stopped sharing etc etc yet still he manages to find something to blow out of proportion and then turn everything around and accuse me of causing tensions. His versions are so deluded that I'm still gobsmacked! I'm the root cause of his troubles yet he drags me back every time I've tried to leave! I am so very sick of feeling so lonely that I actually do not know what to do, there is actually no talking to him at all as that would be another argument that I would have started.
Just wondering if anyone out there has been there or is going through this now and where do I go from here?

You go.
Get out now.
That is the bleakest, saddest thing ever

Out the door and don't go back.

Your not the person you could be, so certainly aren't the Mother that you could be.

It can't be good for the children and we know that staying together isn't good for them.

Plan your escape.

I got married pretty young and DD came along pretty soon afterwards, I managed to finish university (No idea how) so initially I thought it was the pressures of the above and things would settle. Now I'm the stage where I've almost been married for as long as long I was single and it became "the better the devil you know" kind of situation. I wouldn't even know where to start

Your children have been raised to believe that your marriage is normal and acceptable. How tragic for them. The best example you can set for them now is to leave your husband and let them know this misery and abuse should never be tolerated. You've been making a massive mistake that has lasted years, don't keep making it for another day.

You are absolutely right and it breaks my heart to think that in a bid to give them a 'normal/stable' home I've shown them how to be an unhappy doormat (there's no crying emoji). I've been a silent reader on here for years, I don't know what's triggered these posts but all your responses are truly validating feelings thank you all so much xx

I don’t understand why you’ve given up your life, you are worth so much more. Start planning now, just think what freedom will feel like, you’re doing everything anyway, you just won’t have his emotional baggage and dead weight to drag round with you. You’ve got this, you know what you want. You only get 1life, why spend it miserable.

Leaving him is SO much easier than staying. You just don't see it now. Make a plan and make it quickly. See a solicitor, make sure your money is in a separate account, and just END IT. Stop wasting time.

I am in the same position as you and don’t know how to get out either. Last night I spent most of the early evening feeling awful because my partner was so hostile and cold and wouldn’t acknowledge me when I spoke. But then he went out at 9pm and now I am lying here wondering where he is and when he will come home. It is a kind of living hell. I am not brave enough to leave though and would struggle financially and logistically re. childcare etc. I have no support. Sorry I am not advising you and just talking about myself. I am just so sorry for you as I know how you are feeling. If you can find a way to leave, do it. But I know it is very hard.

@Mummadeeze that's similar to my reality at the moment. We argue, he goes to whatever work function and doesn't return. He's fine it to me twice this week (increased frequency than usual) and now I just feel sick. We have been married less than a year and are moving house next week. I depend on him for childcare or I wouldn't be able to keep my job and would be back to square one.
I have an anxiety disorder to boot.

I'm reading these accounts with tears in my eyes!
You re ALL worth so much more than the lives you have!!

It will be easier leaving than you think... Although I know its more difficult with kids to consider.

I was you 20 years ago... I just looked at my life and my shit of a partner who was vile and emotionally abusive.

I never looked back!

Have courage,!,

Ducks in a row and leave!

There's a whole world out there of decent men!

I know exactly how you feel. I hope you find the strength to leave, I can’t bare the thought of uprooting my children and ruining their lives

wobblebot sorry to hear you lie awake worrying too. I don’t know why I care because I prefer it when he is not at home, but I also hate feeling like a mug too. The double standards are so frustrating. He goes out and comes home whenever he feels like it, but if I want to go out to see friends I have to ask him for help with our child weeks in advance and he usually always says no because he is busy. I then have to pay for a babysitter and he resents me and is angry about me doing this. But if I didn’t I would get cut off from my friends so I continue to which causes more sulking. It is so crap. He used to be nice to me infrequently too but now is just horrible all the time. I know people will say ‘leave’ but it feels like an impossible feat.

I stayed for 13 years with a man who was was physically and emotionally abusive, this year i finally snapped, took a long hard look at my life and finally kicked him out.

Life as a single parent has been hsrd as ive had to juggle work and childcare but i dont regret it at all. In fact ive lost weight and met someone wonderful.

Kick him out and dont look back!

Please leave! It won’t be as easy as it is to type it but it’ll be the best thing you will have ever done, from reading your post.

Don’t waste any more of your time. Start living again

Been here. Kicked the fucker out. It took 6 years though to build the courage.

Tell him very calmly that he needs to leave. And keep repeating it. Give him a deadline and if he doesn't go, change the locks. Submit a divorce petition or if you can afford it, see a solicitor.

Once you take one step, it gets easier. Do it
You'll wonder why you did not do it years ago.

Those of you that think that leaving will affect the children then you're wrong. I know from experience that it is the best thing that you will ever do for them. My mum was in a relationship like this when I was 15 and my brother and 2 sister's were younger but after 12 years of being in the relationship we helped her pack up the care with a few essentials (whilst my step dad was out) and we left, we stayed with an auntie for a week or so then my mum called domestic violence helpline and they found us a private woman's refuge to stay in for a few weeks whilst things were sorted at the house ( step dad moving out ect) domestic violence isn't just when someone is physically abusive it is mental abuse to. Well anyway it has been 14 years since then and my mum is happily married to someone who treats her like she deserves and me and my brother and sisters have all grown up and have our own families now, but we are all so close. When we left when we were kids it felt exciting to us like an adventure, and we have so much respect for my mum and it's only when you get older that you realise how hard it must have been for her to do that. I know for sure that I wouldn't let anyone treat me as he treated my mum, my brother and sisters can't remember much about how miserable it was but they were younger than me and it was night time when the arguments would start and they were usually in bed. PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT NOW tell the children your going on an adventure. The longer you leave it the harder it will be

I left my ex two years ago, similar circumstances with the way he spoke / treated me. It was the best decision I ever made for me and my kids. Sometimes I shudder when I remember what I used to put up with. My home is a haven now not somewhere I would walk around on eggshells and dread walking into, anticipating his next bad mood. It is draining.

I didn't mention that he wasn't my biological day but he was my siblings dad. And I know they felt the exact same as I did about it being an exciting adventure and now they are so proud of my mum and respect her for leaving. After a few weeks of being apart my mum was able to be civil with my step dad and sort out contact with my siblings to see him at weekends. The situation actually made him a better father to them and he would see him at weekends and take them on days out and have them over night at his place and to this day they still have a good relationship with him.

And he even got a job and his own place and paid child support.

My parents marriage was like that for about a decade. They said that they stayed together for the kids but I think it was really because they were too scared of change. It was a miserable life for me and my siblings.

Why do you stay? What are you getting out of it? It is hard to break up (I’ve done that too so not diminishing it) but it’s worth it in the long run if you are unhappy.

to you op

The good news in this story is you went back to work.
This gives you options.
Personally I would leave as it sounds like a half life at best. I couldn’t be happy or relaxed living in a home like that. Your partner should be your safe place not someone who drags you down or is also looking to get a dig in.

Think of it this way-Depending on how old you are staying means another 40+ years of this. Is this a choice you want to make for your life?

I have just left a loveless, emotionally and verbally abusive marriage as well, and am now divorced. I was very scared to do it, but in the end did. I never would have believed it.

One of my main drivers was that I didn’t want the dc to think that this was a blueprint for a good marriage, or even just a marriage.

At least now they know that if things are bad and they need to get out, they can do it.

I don’t feel that I will meet anyone else, but being in a marriage with no affection, either verbal or physical, no interest, care, as well as frequent walking on eggshells due to my ex’s short temper was worse. That and the frequent silent treatments he used to subject me to - that would last for weeks and weeks.

And yet he thinks that I divorced him because I wanted the house . That all through our long marriage (and we have 3 dc), he refused to put in my name as well as his. Sometimes telling me to go out and buy my own house if I wanted one.

Thinking practically, can you get him to leave so the kids have least disruption? Is it 50:50 and could he even pay for it alone?

However if you can't do that, then getting out to a small flat is absolutely fine too.

Please don't stay. It'll destroy you and you won't leave when the kids have gone. Start building a new life now.

Don't ask. Don't say. Just leave. Life is too short and this is the life your allowing your kids to live. This is how your children will turn out. So fuck it act now. You will find they are so much happier.

I am so sad that so many of you are going through or have been in this horrible place! I had to leave work as he couldn't stand me having a life so looking after the children for a few hours after school while I got back became a burden and then that turned into arguments too! So whilst I worked I paid all the bills and expenses and when I stopped I was told by him to live off benefits to manage all mine/cars/kids expenses, he doesn't even offer a penny towards even dinner money saying he pays all the bills like he's always done I've never done shit all!! Basically I don't have a penny to my name, so leaving right now just doesn't seem possible. Certainly need to get my ducks in a row, and get out, when? I don't know but I'm certain that I will and you all should too xx