Reporting a kind of friend to social services

[alleyesonme]

I’ve never reported anyone before this woman lives by me our sons go to the same school. She befriend me a few years ago I’ve always questioned her parenting skills she comes to the school late everyday to collect the kids and is late every morning.
I sometimes take them to school their always late and look unkempt and I have to get them breakfast at the club in the mornings.
She takes cocaine regularly I think most days as some days she’s flying and talks a lot and some days she won’t talk and pretends she hasn’t seen me like she’s on a comedown.
I know she hits the older one a lot it’s neglect more than abuse she just doesn’t care about them it comes across I don’t think she deserves them I’ve never seen her at a parent evening or play etc I don’t wanna report her and feel bad after but the whole thing has made me uneasy

Your coming from a good place... remember that! It’s your duty to act on this for the sake of the children but protect yourself also... Mumsnet can be unfair at times and as someone in the previous post said just call NSPCC and get a professionally trained advisors opinion and advice...

The helpline is open 24 hours a day
[email protected]
0808 800 5000
www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/nspcc-helpline/

Pass on your worries (to the right place) and you’ll feel better...

Hmm. You do sound a bit of a meddler. You 'think' she takes cocaine, and she perhaps has better things to do than sit through school plays, so you're determined to stir the pot.

This is why there are so many children are left being neglected and/or abused because nobody reports their concerns. After all, if there's nothing to hide there will be no escalation from social services will there.

Absolutely report. She may need help and that may be provided if they find grounds for concern. And the fact someone other than school is reporting and noticing adds to their file.

People not wanting to meddle is why so many tragedies happen. If there's nothing horrendously amiss, then it will be upsetting for the mother but she has nothing to fear.

As a social worker I would suggest you report this. If there are concerns & it is impacting on the children then they can be safeguarded & the mother supported.
You can either contact your local social care department directly by phone or there will be an online form you can complete or if that feels too much you can report to NSPCC who will then share it with social care. If you state you want to remain anonymous then that's what will happen, none of your personal details will be shared.

If you report her it will be confidential so do not worry about that. You know you need to report her to get those kids the help they deserve.

Hi,
Report it. I work in safeguarding and they will contact the school to see what they think. A good school will keep a log of any concerns.
Also, every referral made establishes a picture for MASH/ Social Care. They may of been reported before and they didn’t meet enough of the thresholds. So a second referral may add more weight to previous referrals.

Regards.

Absolutely this from @ShesABelter

Do NOT listen to anyone who tells you to turn a blind eye to possible to child abuse amd/or neglect. ALWAYS report it, because if you are wrong then no harm will come of it. If you aren't wrong the children will get the help they need and deserve. If you don't report it and any harm comes to those children it's on everyone who turned a blind eye. Children are innocent and vulnerable and everyone should be looking out for them.

Please report to social services. Those poor kids can’t help themselves.

I wish someone had “meddled” when I was a kid. If you have concerns OP then let someone know, the smaller aspects of neglect which are on show can just be the tip of the iceberg.

Social services won’t take the children away based on a report.

I have been in a similar situation to you. A friend who is a GP suggested i contact the school. Spoke to the Head teacher who verified my concerns. Apparently my call added to an existing picture. The mother got support for her escalating addiction issues. The little boy now lives with his dad and is doing a lot better and smiling again.

100%report it ..and notify school

I think you should make a report but I doubt she's using cocaine daily, it may be something else. As a former occasional cocaine user it's really an expensive drug, prohibitively so. Plus drug dealers lines of credit tend to run out pretty fast. So unless she's also doing something illegal to fund her habit, it's unlikely an unemployed lone parent could use daily

I can't believe the pp's who say "don't meddle". This "none of my business" attitude allows kids to carry on being abused and neglected!
Please report your concerns OP. Talk it over with NSPCC.

You absolutely should report this. SS may already have been told things from others, including the school. All the things add up. Just because you ring with your concerns doesn't mean the kids are going to be taken away. It's SS job to decide what to do with the information you provide. To me it sounds like those kids are not having a great life. They deserve to be looked after properly. It's your duty (in my opinion) to speak up for them ie to let ss know that there are two children who may be in need. Please call them.

Yes report it, though maybe advice from the NSPCC so when you do you cover all the necessary information for it to be taken seriously might help.

Yes definitely report this, we all have a duty to safeguard. Her poor children deserve to be protected. You can do it online through the NSPCC website. The more referral social services get the more chance of it being escalated. They are being abused and that's wrong so be brave and do the right thing. xx

Please report, you can ring your local authority social services, you don’t have to give your name, but they won’t disclose it to her anyway, she’ll likely assume that it’s school who has reported her again, not you. If she’s escalated her cocaine use, the neglect/abuse will likely escalate too, how will you feel if you turn a blind eye and something terrible happens

I am more concerned if people put their kids on social media than not tbh.
The hitting is worrying. The rest is not evidence of abuse.

OP I have been in a similar situation, and I did report the family in the end. I was put off and put off by various people for various reasons, all trying to fix things and telling me to stop meddling, while the child got worse and worse. I also tried to help out, but it didn’t do anything except make the parents neglect worse because they knew someone else would pick up the slack feeding the child, nurturing her, washing her clothes etc. I was also concerned because the mother was pregnant, and I doubted her ability to look after a baby and the older child, as she wasn’t managing the older child alone.

In the end I reported because the mother assaulted the child in my home. The step father threatened to kill me (told mutual acquaintances) . I offered to call the police and luckily that put him off and they have stayed away from me since. SS were round their house within 48 hours of my report, having made enquiries at the school which obviously backed up my concerns. I have a lot of credibility at the school as I help out a lot, and the SLT know me well enough to know that I make good decisions and am not malicious.

They don’t have ongoing SS involvement, but it was the kick up the backside they needed. The child is so much happier and appears to be thriving, she’s at school on time every day, being fed better, so much more confident and looks happy every day.

Also, I could leave the situation and be confident someone was looking out for her, be it SS or the school.

**"The hitting is worrying. The rest is not evidence of abuse."

It's for social care to find the evidence (not the OP) once someone has highlighted safeguarding concerns, they can do this by speaking to other agencies via a MASH team. Often any one party only has one piece of the jigsaw, it's important for social care to be aware of all concerns.

I think you absolutely should report it. Social services can then look at the situation and speak to the school before deciding whether anything needs to be done.

When I did my safeguarding training we were told of a little girl who had died following years of neglect and starvation at the hands of her mother. Her teachers had watched her waste away in front of them but because her mum was also a teacher at the school, and their friend, they did not see it as abuse and so never reported concerns to anybody....

All posters telling you to stop meddling are not helping the children in the situation which could potentially leave the dc open to abuse and neglect. It is not as though you saw her shout at dc once and immediately thought he was being abused. You have ongoing concerns so should report.

OP, I don't think you need to think more about this. Agree you should report to children services (social services) and ask to be anonymous or go via nspcc.
Just give them facts as you out in OP. They will investigate including checking with school on child's progress. She sounds like she's struggling and it's impacting in her DC.

Thank you everyone sorry have been at work today. For the record she and I are kind of friends I’ve helped her out with the school runs etc I do know her and I saw her the other day and she was 100% on drugs in the daytime at the school I’m not daft I know what coke users act like.
I think they are negelected physically and emotionally yes my son has been to her house before but I didn’t know how bad she was back then he hasn’t been for a few months but I’ve still helped her with school runs and the younger child is unkempt and hasn’t had breakfast he’s constantly picked up late most days I know because my kids go to club and when I go get them he’s in reception waiting for his mom to come.
I was abused as a child I never told anyone how bad my life was so it upsets me they lovely kids I’m not saying she’s an awful mother but there’s not much caring there other people have mentioned it aswell not just me but I think she’s worse now than she was. I am going to report and see what happens

please report op

You are doing the right thing OP x

Bless you OP, yes do report and let the professionals be the judge of whether it's 'meddling' or not. You have nothing to grapple with your conscience over here, no one is going to swoop in and take the children away on your say-so so please don't worry, but it does sound like the mum requires a lot of support at least.