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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I can find love again?

44 replies

PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 21:35

Please can I ask for some advice. My husband and I might be splitting up. I don't feel like I love him, which I know sounds terrible, especially as we have two young children. It's not a bad relationship but I no longer want to have sex with him because I'm not attracted to him.
My main motivation for leaving the relationship would be to have a chance at love (I did love an ex-boyfriend, many years ago).
So please can you tell me if you left a relationship that wasn't terrible and did you ever find the love you were looking for? I don't want to destroy my family for something that doesn't exist. But, at the same time, I don't want to look back when I'm 10 or 20 years older and feel regret at not having left earlier. All advice appreciated. Thanks.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 21:58

Or equally, did you break up and regret it?

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EleanorShellstropper · 23/11/2018 22:02

He cheated, he left...I thought that I'd never be happy again.

Two years later I find myself happy and 100% trusting of my partner knowing the future is bright!!

You'll get there, but make sure you give it the time you need. Don't rush anything.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/11/2018 22:08

I left. And I didn't found the love I was looking for - the love I wanted with him but that he couldn't provide. But I'm not dead yet - so it may still happen Grin

FascinatingCarrot · 23/11/2018 22:10

To me, theres a difference between not wanting to be intimate because of attraction and making your skin crawl. I knew I couldnt bear my now ex to ever touch me again.

But, dont rush yet. It could be a number of things. I guess we have all felt the same at some point or another, I know I have with my dh and I love and fancy him to bits most of the time.

speakout · 23/11/2018 22:15

I think you need an opportunity to explore your feelings and talk this though with your OH, and with a third party, either on your own or with your OH.

It's a big step to take to jack in a relationship with the father of your children when there is nothing specifically wrong other than a loss of spark.
Relationships take a battering when our kids are young. We have no time or energy to invest in the things that keep a relationship alive and dynamic.
I know for several years when out kids were young we plodded along on autopilot, just one foot in front of another to keep us afloat and functional.
I suspect many couples are the same.
But relationships can ebb and flow, and joy can be found again when you have the space and energy, it is possible to fall in love again within the same relationship.

Part of your feelings may be a desire to fly, you may yearn in some ways for the times before you were anchored down by family life, when you were free and giddy.

There is no guarantee that you will meet Mr exciting, and even if you do you will still be juggling child rearing with a relationship.

On the other hand you may be right, you don't want to be stuck with this man for decades and life may be better if you seek new pastures.

No one can tell you what is the right path.

But I would urge you to explore your feelings deeply - speak to your OH, have some counselling, then at least you will be confident that the decision you make is the right one.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 22:19

There's really no way of knowing the answer. A more important question would be is, do you want to try and make it work with your husband or be free to search elsewhere. Whatever you do be true to yourself. Best wishes.

TheMagician · 23/11/2018 22:19

Never found love but ive stopped considering that sad.
If you believe it you will.

lifebegins50 · 23/11/2018 22:27

Leave because you feel you will be happier single...don't assume you will meet someone else as the reality of dating/step parenting/finances make a new relationship much, much tougher than a first marriage.

A divorce can take several years to resolve and you will have to face separation from your children for xmas etc...you need ti be sure you are prepared to be single.

Can you be happier single than married...definitely!
Can some people find love again, sure but it may not be plain sailing.

PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:28

Thanks EleanorShellstropper. How did you meet your new partner if you don't mind me asking?

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:28

IfyouseeRitaMoreno I hope it happens for you.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:30

Thank you speakout. I think counselling is a good idea to help clarify things.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:31

Vitalogy, I think I want a second chance to make a new relationship work.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:33

lifebegins50 this is the scary bit. A couple of people who know my situation say to hold tight and wait for a new person to come along. But I have had other attractions during my marriage and nothing has ever happened. It doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

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speakout · 23/11/2018 22:34

PocketRocket83

Have you ever loved your OH?
You talk of having love with an ex boyfriend- but what about your OH?

PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:39

speakout now that I can look at things objectively, I think that I loved an ex from my uni days. He broke my heart. Then a couple of years later I got together with my husband. For the first year I would have gone back to my ex if he had asked, I think.
Now, many years later, I feel love again towards someone else who is attached and unavailable. He's a friend. I nothing will happen with him but it has made me realise that I have only loved twice.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:40

In both cases I love the person's personality, flaws, values, etc. I don't have that with DH.

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speakout · 23/11/2018 22:41

I feel love again towards someone else who is attached and unavailable.

Is that love though?

Someone you have never had a romantic relationship with?

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 22:44

I don't think it's fair for all involved with waiting, looking or open to a new relationship whilst still in one.

Peakypolly · 23/11/2018 22:45

Are you planning to leave DC with your DH? It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong, just that you have decided to look for love elsewhere.
A huge decision to make IMO - and maybe a selfish one? But I guess your DH deserves to be loved - just as you feel you want to find a new love- and It sounds like you are not able to provide that. It is not fair to take that chance from him.

speakout · 23/11/2018 22:50

In both cases I love the person's personality, flaws, values, etc

But you are saying this about a person you have not had a romantic relationship with, haven't lived with.

You are in love with the idea of that person as you think he might be or you would like him to be.

You are in love with the internalised version of a person you have not known as a partner.

Not the real man as he is. And the likelihood is that this man may also leave skid marks on the toilet and have bad breath in the morning,

I am just concerned that the grass may not be greener and you are in danger of ripping things apart for no real reason.

You sound confused.

I would seek some counselling as a first step.

OhioOhioOhio · 23/11/2018 22:51

I don't know ok but i feel the same.

Singlenotsingle · 23/11/2018 22:52

Pocket rocket you're bored. The grass may be greener on the other side of the hill, and it may not! Life as a single parent isn't fun - there's loneliness, trying to make ends meet, guilt at what you've done to the family, hard hard work with no one to help.

If there was DV, neglect, abuse, or if DH had an OW, I'd be the first to say LTB, but it's just a general feeling of dissatisfaction isn't it? Talk to DH, maybe have counselling, take up some joint interests, but it's really not all about you. There are other people to be considered.

PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:52

I have a deep love for him as a friend speakout plus I am very physically/sexually attracted to him. So in my mind that's a type of love. I know him very well.

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:52

I agree Vitalogy

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PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:54

I agree Peakypolly. My DH is not blameless though. He has cheated on me in the past and I never cheated on him.

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