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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can find love again?

44 replies

PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 21:35

Please can I ask for some advice. My husband and I might be splitting up. I don't feel like I love him, which I know sounds terrible, especially as we have two young children. It's not a bad relationship but I no longer want to have sex with him because I'm not attracted to him.
My main motivation for leaving the relationship would be to have a chance at love (I did love an ex-boyfriend, many years ago).
So please can you tell me if you left a relationship that wasn't terrible and did you ever find the love you were looking for? I don't want to destroy my family for something that doesn't exist. But, at the same time, I don't want to look back when I'm 10 or 20 years older and feel regret at not having left earlier. All advice appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
speakout · 23/11/2018 22:54

PocketRocket83

Is this friend the one you have your romantic desires for?
Would you like to pursue that?

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:56

Well it doesn't really matter how I feel about this second love speakout because I can't be with him. But it has awakened feelings in me that I didn't know were possible and it's made me want to feel that way about someone else. The question is, will I ever feel that way about anyone else?

OP posts:
FascinatingCarrot · 23/11/2018 22:56

Youre looking to get out. Admit it and move on. It either works with lust friend or it doesnt. Make a decision.

speakout · 23/11/2018 22:57

A bit of a drip feed here OP.

So your OH has cheated on you?

Was that recent? Is it resolved?

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:58

I know Singlenotsingle, this is very selfish of me. Maybe I should just bury this for the rest of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 22:59

FascinatingCarrot, the friend who I fancy is not available. It will never work with him because I can't have him. But I wonder if I can feel what I feel for my friend for someone else, someone new?

OP posts:
speakout · 23/11/2018 23:00

OP many people would struggle to overcome infidelity of a partner.

Is this part of the problem?

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 23:00

It was a long time ago speakout, before children. I thought I was over it but I think it damaged our intimacy.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 23:02

speakout possibly.

I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand. I didn't want it to be happening so I compartmentalised it and 'moved on' with things. But maybe I never really got over it.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 23:08

But I wonder if I can feel what I feel for my friend for someone else, someone new? I don't think love has a limit but great matches don't come along everyday. Being paired up your whole life might not be the path.

EleanorShellstropper · 23/11/2018 23:10

@pocketrocket

We actually have known each other for years. Connected romantically at a friends' wedding and that was that.

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 23/11/2018 23:13

EleanorShellstropper lovely.

OP posts:
Gravel1 · 23/11/2018 23:37

your married and have kids. They are your priority. Your a wife and mother not a potential lover.
If all you can think about is a fictitious love that you may never find then you have in my opinion too much time on your hands.
Take a rain check. Count your blessings.
Would he look after you if you had a stroke tomorrow and couldn't feed yourself if the answer is yes then think carefully. Also don't assume you'll be setting up a parallel family elsewhere he may have other ideas and if you dump out of this relationship you'll carry this for ever. Any potential new partner will think twice in case you get bored again. Sorry

crimsonlake · 23/11/2018 23:39

Well said Gravel1, I think the op needs a good shake.

DisneyMillie · 24/11/2018 00:09

I probably have the answer you were hoping for in that I split with my exh and we’re both now much more happily remarried to new people.

BUT - it’s not been easy. My dd is horribly upset by it even 6 years on and my exh and I have a very good co parenting relationship - I’d hate to think what it would be like if we’d had an acrimonious split. I feel terrible guilt that she doesn’t get to see her dad daily and I wouldn’t have contemplated ending my marriage if it hadn’t been an unhealthy model for my dd.

Most relationships go off the boil a bit sexually when you have young children. Maybe try couple counselling first to check it’s really the best solution for you to leave

EmeraldShamrock · 24/11/2018 00:29

I haven't been on your position, it sounds like you will regret it if you don't give yourself the chance to find out.
It isn't really fair to stay in the kind if relationship on either of you.
I have had my heart broke and thought it was it. I spent time by myself and my interests found myself again and eventually moved on. I meet DP a few years later, together 11 years. So I had a happy ending and I am glad mostly I had the time to myself. No DC in ex relationship though.

EmeraldShamrock · 24/11/2018 00:49

To add my DPs ex broke his heart she left to find love. I am very glad she did Wink

Adversecamber22 · 24/11/2018 03:00

it’s irrelevant if people found another great love because it’s a totally different situation. It’s all anecdotal isn’t it.

You may find another love or you could be single or end up in a worse relationship. You will only know when your much older and have many years to look back on.

AjasLipstick · 24/11/2018 03:41

My main motivation for leaving the relationship would be to have a chance at love

See I find this statement intensely irritating.

Did you not have ANY love for your husband when you married or had children with him?? ANY at all?

I don't think people like you know what love is.

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