To think my husband's views on wealth/status are unreasonable

[teacakeswithjamm]

Dh and I come from very different backgrounds. Although I would say my childhood was less "privileged" than my siblings for various reasons, I went to a good comprehensive school and spent time in private education. I had a different time to my husband who went to ok state schools and took an apprenticeship.

He is blue collar and I'm a professional industry and while 99% of the time we are on the same page, he has a massive (and I mean massive!) chip on his shoulder about rich people/private school etc.

Our kids are quite young and state school was always the way that we planned but due to recent events and experiences on my part I'm starting to lean towards (at least attempting) sending them to private schools for some of their education. We're nearly mortgage free and in a few years time it would be feasible to maybe send them to a prep or through school.

The senior schools in our area aren't great if I'm honest but I know things can drastically change in that time. But he won't even entertain the idea.

He thinks it'll make them stuck up and entitled and while I'm not under any illusions that some degree of snobbery can be the case, I'm cross he's not even considering it as an option.

Am I being unreasonable? I know it's all a bit foreign and unusual to him and his upbringing. If I even mention it though he gets really cross and states that they'll do well as long as instil a good work ethic in them. Having myself been distracted by big class sizes and not having as much attention as I would have liked (retrospectively), I want to be able to do what's best for my kids when the time comes.

Don't want this turning into a big state v private debate! Just want to know if I'm being horrid for pushing the issue.

Why don't you spend your money on a house in a different area? That way you can send your kids to a good school and he can keep his principles.

I agree a move would be the better option

Yabu. You knew he had this view of private schools. You knew his thoughts and feelings On them.

He isn't going to change his mind because you have more disposable income than expected.

Is it inverse snobbery or does he consider it unfair - the two are entirely different and the first would be unreasonable while the second is a completely acceptable position to take.

DH took a similar view to yours when I suggested private school for ours. He was state educated, achieved straight A's at A-Level but didn't go to uni as he wanted to go straight into the City. I went to a private school, did go to Uni and also went into the City. He understandably took the view that my private education wasn't necessary as he'd achieved the same results without it.

However once he actually went to see some state and private schools and saw the difference in facilities, class sizes, resources and realised the parents, children and staff were relatively 'normal' he soon came round.

His state school 40 years ago in Somerset was a different prospect entirely to the states in SE London!

Best thing my parents ever did for me: not sending me to private school and then saving all the money they would have spent on fees to buy me a flat when I graduated from university. It gave me both security and the freedom to explore what I wanted to do with my career without having to focus on money. I’m miles ahead - both in terms of lifestyle and career success - of most of my peers, including those who went to private school.

It’s an unorthodox viewpoint, granted; but as adults, the gap between people I know who went to “ordinary” private schools (i.e. not the famous and prestigious ones) and those who went to average or good comprehensives isn’t worth noting.

But that means I also think his shoulder-chip about private education and how people from that system turn out is incorrect. Everyone I know turned out fine, not “snobby” or “pretentious”.

Get him to watch the current program about secondary schools on the BBC. And then see what he thinks.

Independent schools obviously vary widely, as do state. It’s impossible for anyone to comment without knowing the individual schools in question, but I would say to your DH that a closed mindset can amount to inverse snobbery - so keep an open mind and book visits to actually assess the individual schools before presuming anything. Saying that all private schools turn out snobs is as ridiculous as saying all state schools turn out chavs. Utter nonsense. YANBU. Also, if you move house to get into a particular catchment area, the stamp duty will no doubt amount to a good chunk of the school fees (but I’m sure you realise this)!

I think for him it's just because of people he's come across in his life.

My family are a lot better spoken than myself but he always thinks they're looking down their noses at him (they're not!) but then in circumstances where we've both been there I've seen people treat him very differently because of his accent to how they've treated me.

His best friend went to private school but he considers him to be an exception to the rule.

Yes, I knew his views and I was always quite strong with mine (I went to a comp but went to university and have done quite well) but I wasn't expecting mine to change.

I think it's less inverted snobbery or even elitism but pure confusion and awkwardness for him. There's terminology and culture he's only seen on tv etc and whereas I've grown up meeting and knowing a large range of people, he's lived a sheltered life in that respect.

I won't do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable and I really don't want to move as his job is geographically specific, but it's the first time he's really played the "we're from different classes. You wouldn't understand" which I hate because we've had a lot of flak from people about it in the past and brushed it off.

Plus it's 2018! My two best friends at university we're from a council estate and the other went to Eton. We all got on fine in spite of it.

Were*

I would move to an area with good schools - and use the money to save so that you can pay for them to go through uni / give them a deposit. I have younger cousins and from what I can tell ending uni debt free makes a huge difference

You can also pay for a tutor if you want

"My family are a lot better spoken than myself but he always thinks they're looking down their noses at him (they're not!)"

I hate this kind of attitude. It is inverse snobbery and it is every bit as bad as conventional snobbery.

Doubtless some private schools are elitist but others really aren't. My dd attended a small, provincial independent day school where most dc were the children of pretty ordinary dual income families. We sent dd there because she has dyslexia and was better able to manage in class sizes of 16 or fewer.

Perhaps you can persuade your dh to visit some private schools - its unreasonable for him to reject them out hand without first checking them out

I think unless you can afford private school AND then all the subsequent life choices that come with that path (them going onto top tier universities in expensive places, moving to (e.g.) London and needing financial support), you would be better off spending your money differently - perhaps the move house option or the uni option as suggested by pp.

It's not a binary choice between private school OR crap state school in your current area.

It's (better location) state school plus (perhaps) tutoring + affording educational trips + decent uni etc. There are many ways to cut your cloth.

I went to Private Secondary but DH didn’t ( although we had similar backgrounds). He was very anti Private due to some kids he had know in his village who went to Private schools and for other reasons such as thinking that he’d done Ok at State schools so the kids would too.
When dd got into y5 we started to look at Secondary schools. I persuaded him to look at my old school as well as another Private School, The closest Grammar and the Secondary that we are in catchment for.
Funnily enough he changed his mind and now dd is at Private Secondary with DS joining her in a couple of years.
Her Private school isn’t full of bankers and oligarchs and while we aren’t the richest or poshest by far we fit right in ( more importantly so does she) and DH regularly says he’s so happy we made the decision to send her there.

Why don’t you ask the children what they think? They might not want to move, or they might not like the idea of private school. Equally, they may appreciate the opportunity.

I agree with EdwinBear However once he actually went to see some state and private schools and saw the difference in facilities, class sizes, resources and realised the parents, children and staff were relatively 'normal' he soon came round

No-one can say they wouldn't send their child to a certain school unless they'd been into that school and seen with their own eyes how it operates.

Currently he's using what he imagines the school to be like as a reason for not wanting the discussion about future schools to progress.

It''s time he realised that decision needs to be based on reality, not his imagination.

Does he base any of his other decisions on just his imagination?

So... his best friend went to private school.

His WIFE was at least partially privately schooled.

But he has a firm belief that private school will make his children stuck up and entitled?

@BlankTimes you would be surprised!

It appears he is making the misguided assumption that everyone that attends a private school is rich and entitled. This is most definitely not the case.

I wouldn't have a problem if he was against private education out of principal but to judge a whole group of people as snobby and entitled simply because of the schools they attend is offensive and ridiculous.

I would remind him repeatedly as necessary that you spent time in private schools, and he married you. Does he think you're a snob?

You want what's best for your children. He should, too, which means he should be open to looking at all options that are available reasonably to your children.

I come from a very disadvantaged background and went to a poor comprehensive school, hated it and left with few qualifications. DH comes from a middle class background and went to a decent comprehensive school, he did ok despite being bullied, and left with good grades. Neither of us enjoyed school and have mainly bad memories.

We've both worked very hard to build a comfortable life for ourselves and our children and took the decision to send DD1 to a good independent school after she suffered bullying at state school. DH couldn't bear to see her going through what he had been through at school. What you do for one you have to offer for the other so DD2 chose to go to the same school when her time came.

I think a lot of people have a very blinkered view of independent schools. My mother's response to us sending them privately was "How are you going to fit in with all those posh people?" I can honestly say most parents we encountered were like us - making sacrifices, driving old cars, foregoing holidays etc. to give their DC the best education they could. Of course there were wealthy families and one or two snobs, but we encountered those in state school too.

Each to their own but for us it was the best decision we ever made. Both DC loved their school, have only fond memories and made life-long friends. Small classes, amazing teachers, so many opportunities to try new sports/clubs etc. They both did well academically and have gone on to have good and interesting careers. They are kind hearted and respectful of everybody, not arrogant or superior at all, and their friends are the same. Our friends whose children went to state school all say they wish they could have afforded to send theirs!

I'd agree with the poster who said go and have a look at some schools with an open mind. Or consider moving to an area with a school you do like.

I went to private school and I do think I came out with snobbish and entitled views.It's one of the reasons I won't send my own DC to one. So I don't think your husbands views are unfounded, no matter how many poster on here will tell you that they know 3000 people who were privately educated and they are all wonderful people.

Dh has similar ideas.

I find it interesting: He says it's better at a comprehensive because you get to meet a wider variety of people.
However: It's fairly clear that he had a rubbish time at school until he was 6th form, and I don't think he really had good friends.
Also those he did get on with and have kept up with are very much from the same type of background (ie the posh areas of the town).

I was at a small private school, and we genuinely had all from one girl who lived in the local caravan park (and mum abandoned her on more than one occasion for latest boyfriend) through to people whose parents would be recognisable if I mentioned names. Thing was though, I'm only realising looking back as it never made any difference at school.
Assisted places helped the mix, which obviously have gone now unfortunately.

If we could have afforded it, I would have loved to use private schools.