To think my husband's views on wealth/status are unreasonable

[teacakeswithjamm]

Dh and I come from very different backgrounds. Although I would say my childhood was less "privileged" than my siblings for various reasons, I went to a good comprehensive school and spent time in private education. I had a different time to my husband who went to ok state schools and took an apprenticeship.

He is blue collar and I'm a professional industry and while 99% of the time we are on the same page, he has a massive (and I mean massive!) chip on his shoulder about rich people/private school etc.

Our kids are quite young and state school was always the way that we planned but due to recent events and experiences on my part I'm starting to lean towards (at least attempting) sending them to private schools for some of their education. We're nearly mortgage free and in a few years time it would be feasible to maybe send them to a prep or through school.

The senior schools in our area aren't great if I'm honest but I know things can drastically change in that time. But he won't even entertain the idea.

He thinks it'll make them stuck up and entitled and while I'm not under any illusions that some degree of snobbery can be the case, I'm cross he's not even considering it as an option.

Am I being unreasonable? I know it's all a bit foreign and unusual to him and his upbringing. If I even mention it though he gets really cross and states that they'll do well as long as instil a good work ethic in them. Having myself been distracted by big class sizes and not having as much attention as I would have liked (retrospectively), I want to be able to do what's best for my kids when the time comes.

Don't want this turning into a big state v private debate! Just want to know if I'm being horrid for pushing the issue.

Prejudice and prejudice. On both sides too (in very general terms, wc looking down on mc parents sending their dcs to private school and people sending their dcs to private school looking down at anyone who doesn’t).
He has experienced that with your family and other people which will not help.

It’s a lost battle imo.

But reminding him of what your dcs could have access to, that you aren’t like this etc.. might help a bit.
As well as pointing out the issues with the state sector that your dcs are encountering.

Fwiw I think the MAJOR issue with state school atm is how they struggle to recruit teachers. Which imo is going to get worse. The constant change in teachers, supply teachers who are teaching things that aren’t their area etc... is the biggest issue for me.

My DH feels like this and it is driving me nuts! I managed to persuade him to go private for one DS when his state primary school went into special measures. I'd like to have been able to explore the possibility of him continuing for secondary but the combination of his prejudice and inverse snobbery and his principles mean that he hasn't been willing to even discuss the possibility.

I'm not even sure I want to continue down the private school route, it's very expensive and I think it's important for my DC to mix with a wide range of people, but I at least want to be able to have the discussion without it being shut down.

The few people I know who have been privately educated are all down to earth lovely people, successful in their own modest way (one headteacher, one art curator, one IT developer, one creative high earner).

I see no obvious difference between these people and my state school friends other than they had a more comfortable educational experience with the luxury of smaller class sizes and more resources.

I think it’s appallingly unjust that the children of people who have more income can be bought a better education than others. It’s actually disgusting.

There are many things a wealthy parent can provide for their child over other people...a big house, more expensive activities, nicer clothes, a fucking pony...whatever. That’s a fact of life and we all need to live with it. But a society that allows the well-off to buy a better education is a shameful system.
The haves keep having and the have-nots don’t. And so it continues.

Horrible.

He needs to get rid of his chip and have a different way of thinking.
People do the best for their children and if that means private education, and they can afford it, that's the way it goes; if they live in an area with good state schools, they take advantage of that. When you bring it down to that, it's easy.

Private school ed does not mean children are any different to state, just means their parents chose a school right for them. They are not entitled to anything special, particularly if parents do not go on about them being at a private school. It's important not to do that, no pressure or talk of parents 'making sacrifices', because it is the parents' choice.

(I am so glad the state schools near me, including grammars, are so good. Phew! Plus mine have left so it isn't a worry for me.)

You do what you think is right for your kids.

Tell your inverted snob of a husband that what makes someone stuck up and entitled is their home up bringing, and their own personality. It's not the school And while you're at it tell him his inverted snobbery is no better and no more acceptable than snobbery,

My daughter was privately educated, and she's the least entitled stuck up person I know. Becayse I was brought up in poverty and she has seen it and experienced it, but I guess your husband would listen to her accent and make his own nasty judgement about her

I'm sorry you married a man who would deny his own children privileges due to his own prejudice, and who judges people in this way. But you have, hopefully your kids don't turn out to have the same prejudices as he does.

I was brought up in poverty and went to a rubbish school in a rubbish area. I don't have children, but if I did, I would want better for them than I had. I have done well in life, but it was quite hard for me until at least my mid-late 20s. I think I would have done better with a better start.

I would say a person’s entitlement and attitude is more down to their parents than schooling. There’s no reason they’ll be entitled if you raise them right.

And if you raise them right AND put them in an environment where they have more opportunities to flourish then double win!

I'm a bit on the fence about private schooling tbh. I don't think it promotes equality and of the people I know who went to private schools, only one seems to be doing very well in terms of earning power, the rest are on middle to low incomes or no incomes. If the decision makers in society had to sent their children to state schools I expect state schools would be a good deal better supported.

However, people need to make a choice that suits them and their families I suppose. I wouldn't assume that a private school necessarily means higher achievement though.

I was brought up in a council house, parents on benefits and went to a comp and I'm now an assistant head at a private school. My school is a middle league school, not like Eton etc.
I'd say that the advantage of a private school is that lessons are calmer and quieter, and pupils are able to learn. There is also far less rough and tumble, pupils fighting etc, which happened all the time in my comp. (That's not to say that bitchiness and bullying don't occur, but they don't tend to occur physically).
On the other hand, the pupils in my school are undoubtedly sheltered. When I talk about my upbringing (relevant due to teaching economics), they are surprised that, for example, some people on benefits and in council homes actually have jobs. They tend to be more right wing than most young people, and I've seen very strong attitudes of thinking that poor people are lazy and their parents are well off purely due to working harder.
Also, the kids in my school aren't rich rich, and don't have 5 holidays a year...but, if you didn't have at least ONE holiday a year, you'd be seen as a bit strange and looked down on a bit. Most kids come from families which can't afford yachts but can afford riding lessons, tennis lessons, expensive school trips, and have medium-big houses (not mansions, but comfortable 4-5 beds). If you can't keep up that sort of lifestyle, I wouldn't send them as they would stick out like a sore thumb.

Moving to an area that would allow you to access selection via mortgage is probably your best compromise option.

By the way, with everything I've said, the kids are LOVELY - being sheltered is due to their upbringing and only mixing with other naice kids, it isn't that they are bad natured at all!!

I’m ideologically opposed to private education and I don’t have a chip on my shoulder.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to not want your children privately educated which have nothing to do with class, insecurity or how you speak.

DH and I are both as middle class as can be. We’ve done far better than all our childhood friends who went to private schools.

In your position OP I’d move house.

No chip on my shoulder here but I wouldn’t use private school for my DD (if we could afford it, which we can’t. DH’s parents forked out to send him to one of the best known and most academic public schools in the country and he was bullied to the point that it left him emotionally broken. He might have been bullied at a state school, true, but his parents would have been many thousands of pounds better off. DH also reports that some of his fellow pupils referred to state school kids as ‘plebs’. Nice.