"Should be fine" is not "yes". AIBU to want a concrete answer?

[Flappypants]

My narc EA STBXH is and has always been very evasive and hard to pin down. I realise thanks to you lovely MNers that it is a way to control and gaslight me more effectively and I won't have it any more.

I needed to hand DD age 2 over an hour early today as I have a hospital appointment and I dropped him a text to confirm and the attached exchange is his response. It's the second time this week that he has done this "Should be" thing and I think it's too vague.

He has tried and failed to have me declared insane, failed to convince cafcass that I am unfit, failed to use my DS as a conduit for his abuse and is now using DD (he's also stopped getting his solicitor to send me stroppy letters to frighten me) who he, for the 5th time in ten days or so, says has nappy rash. She doesn't. I took her to the doctor yesterday to make doubly sure a) I wasn't going mad and I haven't missed something and b) to check she is ok and suffice it to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with her bottom or fandango. The Twat.

Anyway, AIBU to want a simple yes or fucking no, or am I a pedant?

I think what he's struggling with is your business like texts. They can appear quite cold yet totally understandable and justified. So by suggesting the course he's really saying 'dont talk to me as though you don't care about me anymore.'

Could be waaay off the mark though.

If he doesn't turn up then you can deal with it

Nice, so the op gets fucked over, but she can deal with it!
Stay with the "that's a yes then, thanks" and leave it there

YANBU

Suggesting you go on a communication course?! He’s a total dick!

This isn’t a text to a loving partner about arranging date night, where yes it might come across as rude. This is messaging your abusive ex about childcare arrangements. It’s not rude to want a firm answer

Nice, so the op gets fucked over, but she can deal with it!

Sounds crap but when dealing with an actual narc, you have to bear in mind that they aren’t going to even think about the inconvenience they may cause by not saying what they said they’d do. Best not to rely on them at all imo.

My ex used to use should be fine so that he had the opportunity to bail out when something better came along/his mum arranged something for him to do.

Should be fine doesn't mean yes, it means as far a SIM aware I don't have a better offer but if one does come along then tough shit. Basically.

He is being a right twat

I'm amazed by posters who take this exchange at face value. I've never had to deal with an abusive ex but it's very obvious that there's a power-play going on in this exchange - what mother will be happy to have to rely on an abusive ex being where he's supposed to be, if he's allowing himself wiggle room to dump her in it? Then the bullshitting 'request' for her to take a course, the implication being that she's being obstructive by asking for a definite commitment to being there to collect the child.

do you have someone who could watch her instead? I would just reply. since you haven't confirmed for definite X will be with e.g. my mum and collection will have to be from hers

@dontdoubtyourself

I think what he's struggling with is your business like texts. They can appear quite cold yet totally understandable and justified. So by suggesting the course he's really saying 'dont talk to me as though you don't care about me anymore.'

But she doesn’t care about him anymore, what with him having ABUSED her.

Oh OP. It is patently, obviously not you.

"should be" means possibly. EVERYONE knows that. It is a holding reply.

They way he turned it round and implied you needed to be fixed... ugh. A massive well done for getting out of that one.

Is there any chance at all you can use paid for or family care rather than depending this shitbag?

Thank you all. The buggeration of it all is that five months ago the dc and I ended up in a fucking refuge (excuse the swearing) because of that bastard. When we went to court while we were there I tried to ensure he wouldn't palm the dc off on anyone else if he couldn't look after them. So the court has ordered that we now have to give each other first refusal each time we need to do anything, meaning i cannot MOVE without him knowing about it. I mean, not even go to the damn doctor. I was very naive and gave cut off my nose to spite my face. Let that be a lesson.

So I couldn't have asked anyone else. More's the pity. It's terrible. I'm still under his control. Can't do anything without him knowing about it.

You can go back to court and ask for contact order to be changed. Even if you self rep it's worth a try?

Highlight hat he is using it to further abuse you,,.

You have given him first refusal. He hasn't committed to definitely looking after his child. You sent a second message asking him to make a clear commitment. He still didn't.

I think it is time to tell him you will make other arrangements as you haven't been able to get a definite answer from him.

You asked if that was a definite Yes, he didn't confirm, so you could then say "As I haven't had confirmation that you will definitely be there, I'm making other arrangements".

X-post with Saracen

My exP does this. He won’t commit to anything. It is infuriating and it is his way of controlling. I feel your pain. I think you are dealing with it very well and in a very dignified way.

If he won't commit, take the power away from him by making alternative arrangements. I know it's easy to think it's possible to avoid the control when looking at a situation from the outside though :( Controlling bastards will then seek out another way to shaft you.

'I have considered my communications, and I consider them to be perfectly adequate. However, I don't consider 'should be fine' to be a suitably definitive response. 'Should be fine' leaves the potential for it to not be fine. I need a definite yes by 10am, otherwise I will arrange for someone else that can guarantee to be there to look after our daughter'.

Too much??

I need a definite yes by 10am, otherwise I will arrange for someone else that can guarantee to be there to look after our daughter'.

This actually says all that's required, without anything that he can point to as being aggressive. He'll be looking for ammunition all the time, so best not to provide any.

Nothing close to as aggressive as his messages!

(But please note I did say 'too much??' at the end. It's what I would want to say. Unlikely to be what I would say).

I’d write back ‘Lol! I’ll take that as a yes till I hear otherwise. See you at 2.’

He’s a prick. A self inflated, see through prick.

ElainaElephant
Nothing close to as aggressive as his messages!

He'll be trying to needle her into losing her temper though, so he can point and say "Look at the crazy lady! This is what I have to deal with!". As you can tell, I had to deal with someone for years who employed those tactics, and I would explode on cue :( Then I looked like the irrational one, when I'd been prodded and prodded and prodded until I reacted.

Nothing in my message to suggest anyone had lost their temper either

But you seem to be choosing to ignore anything else I say, so I see little value in engaging further.

I was married to one of these. .

ElainaElephant
Nothing in my message to suggest anyone had lost their temper either

You're taking what I've said in the wrong way. I thought your message was excellent, just that the last part was the best, most hard-hitting bit. I'm also just thinking aloud, it wasn't directed at you at all.

@CalishataFolkart did you deliberately miss the bit where i said justified?

Sometimes it helps to step back and look at the bigger picture than just the little details.