"Should be fine" is not "yes". AIBU to want a concrete answer?

[Flappypants]

My narc EA STBXH is and has always been very evasive and hard to pin down. I realise thanks to you lovely MNers that it is a way to control and gaslight me more effectively and I won't have it any more.

I needed to hand DD age 2 over an hour early today as I have a hospital appointment and I dropped him a text to confirm and the attached exchange is his response. It's the second time this week that he has done this "Should be" thing and I think it's too vague.

He has tried and failed to have me declared insane, failed to convince cafcass that I am unfit, failed to use my DS as a conduit for his abuse and is now using DD (he's also stopped getting his solicitor to send me stroppy letters to frighten me) who he, for the 5th time in ten days or so, says has nappy rash. She doesn't. I took her to the doctor yesterday to make doubly sure a) I wasn't going mad and I haven't missed something and b) to check she is ok and suffice it to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with her bottom or fandango. The Twat.

Anyway, AIBU to want a simple yes or fucking no, or am I a pedant?

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh, so controlling. You poor thing :(

You have been in no way aggressive in those texts. Of course you want a clear yes or no. You're doing really well even communicating with him after and still during gaslighting and past abuse . I wouldn't be able to do it.

Ugh. My ex always uses "later" for everything. "I'll see him later", "I'll call later". Later could mean in a few hours or at this current time, seven months and counting...

My ex can be like this. Says things that would wind anyone up and then when I get wound up tells me I’m crazy.

In this scenario I would take “should be” as “yes”. You cannot make him communicate more clearly, be more reasonable in his responses or be somewhere when he says he might be. You can only work with what you have.

Oh he knows exactly what he's doing.

Get grey rock and don't let him get to you and get clever

so

"Confirmation as per telephone conversation that x will be dropped off at y time. If this is an issue please advise by 5pm on xdate otherwise I will assume all ok to drop off."

My dh always uses “should be fine”. It drives me INSANE. It’s like he’s not willing to commit.

But I now say “ok well I’m going away so it’ll have to be fine and if it’s not you need to come up with an alternative”.

I agree with sexnotgender. In future if he says that should be fine, reply as though it is a definite yes from him. Don't let him pull your strings.

ugh he's a prick. Shut down this line of communication, he's using it to abuse you some more.

"Later". Ahem.

My mum once bought my dad a poster with a circle drawn on it with the word Tuit written in the middle.

There was an explanation that came with it, declaring it to be a round tuit; and now that you have one, you can do those things you were promising to do.
[you may need to read this one aloud]

You come across very aggressive in your message to him and this op.

No she bloody didn’t

Did you read the bit where he tried to have her declared insane?!

He’s a cunt

You don't sound aggressive but I don't think his reply is that bad. I would take it to mean yes.
Obviously there is a huge back story, but based on that one sentence, you are overreacting.

Oh no - I'd say "yeah, should be fine" when I mean yes. But then I am NEVER flaky with arrangements and everyone would I know would take that to be a definitive yes!

My ex used to do this. Makes it seem like he’s doing you a favour, but if he gets a last minute better offer that’ll be fine as he’s only said ‘should be Ok’. I hated it. We’re NC now thankfully.

I just used to reply as if he’d said yes ‘fine, see you 2pm Sunday’ or whatever. He never did cop out at the last minute, I think he just wanted to play hard to get.

I don’t think a request for a definite time or yes/no is at all unreasonable.

Should be fine from my ex meant

I'm not going to actually say yes so that when I cancel at 30 mins notice and it drops you right in the shit I can say

well, I told you it should be fine, there was always an element of doubt, I never actually said yes. So really it was your fault for relying on me when I never actually agreed.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and unless you have dealt with a man like this you really won't get it. they aren't reasonable they aren't going to behave like a normal person. It is a control tactic.

Nesssie
You don't sound aggressive but I don't think his reply is that bad. I would take it to mean yes.
Obviously there is a huge back story, but based on that one sentence, you are overreacting.

What about the creepy suggestion that she should do the SPIP course, as if she's being difficult by asking for a firm Yes or No to a straightforward question?

Juells I said based on that one reply. Which is what the op asked. I couldn't get worked up about that one phrase.
Everything else- hes a dick. But pick your battles.

Oh my ex was (probably still is-I have no contact with him now) a master at this shit. He knew what he was doing. He knew I couldnt plan anything at all without being sure he was having DC. When they were still having contact I learned not to rely on him for any childcare at all. It was a real hassle but I arranged a babysitter for everything even if it meant having them just for 20 minutes until his time to collect them as he simply could not be relied on. Especially if he knew I was going somewhere.

'Should be fine' in itself wouldn't bother me, the '...' would though, that alone creates uncertainty - but also having an EA ex who knew exactly how to push my buttons, I know the frustration!! If any other people read our messages, it probably seems like I'm the one being a bitch and aggressive, but I can see straight through him, I know the exact tone and provocation he uses and unfortunately for me, I bite.

He's an arse.
You really need to stop asking things of him - it puts him in this position of power. I would go through hell and high water rather than have asked him to do something outside the normal arrangements because of the nature of how he is.
Then grey rock and more grey rock - don't give him the slightest bit of an opening to niggle like this.

It's him.

I guess in future the way forward is "as you haven't confirmed that you definitely will go x I have arranged alternate childcare"

"Should be fine ..." is used amongst a number of my freinds - it just means "yes".

Why send a little dig? If he doesn't turn up then you can deal with it - but you must know that he will turn up. And I do think you sound aggressive in your communication.

However this is snapshot only and in the end you and he both believe what you believe about each other and nothing anyone on MN says will alter that.

The normal response to "Should be fine" is "Great - see you then"

My exh uses 'should be fine' too. Do they go on a dickhead course?!