To not want my mum at the birth?

[Mumtobe193]

So I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with DC no 2. Still early days, and still a lot of time to be thinking about the birth, but I pretty much already have a good idea of who I would like to be there when I give birth.

As I live a plane journey away from my parents, I decided quite early on that it would be just me and DH in the delivery room. When my DD was born we lived around the corner from most of my family, I was anxious about the birth with it being my first baby and wanted my mum there for support, in the end it was her, my DH, and my sister in the delivery room (I was adamant I didn't want my sister there during my whole pregnancy, in the end she just turned up at the hospital & I agreed she could come in just because I was in too much pain/too high on gas and air to argue). So based on the logistics of my mum actually making it to the birth on time and because I had 3 birth partners last time, 1 of which wasn't really invited, and because this time I wanted a different and hopefully calmer experience, I thought it best for it just to be me and DH.

However my mum seems to be taking this extremely personally. I think because we now live so far away and she doesn't see as much of us as she'd like she's upset that she won't be around all that often when the new baby is born, which I do totally understand. Although we don't always see eye to eye I do love her dearly and I don't want to hurt her, but ultimately I have to do what I want to do, and not go along with what others want just to spare their feelings.

When I first told my mum I was expecting she had just automatically assumed she will be at the birth of this baby, I tried to let her down gently and said it wasn't that I didn't want her there (I kind of don't want her there) only it would never work as she wouldn't make it there in time with us living so far away etc etc. Her suggestion to get round this is for her to come and stay with us (although we now haven't got a spare room as that's been stripped to be turned into baby's nursery) move in shortly before my due date, and stay for 2 weeks to help with baby and DD. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to have a little help as I know how hard those newborn days can be, I can only imagine how hard it would be with another child to look after as well, but neither me or my DH are keen on her living with us 24hours a day for 2 weeks. When DD was born DH was due to start a new job less than a week after she was born so he never took his 2 weeks paternity, and we didn't get much time together as a family in the early days, and consequently my mum and sister were round everyday to help with DD and probably saw more of her than he did in those newborn days, don't get me wrong, I was so grateful for the help as I was knackered, but although they meant well they did 'take over' just a little. This time around my DH plans to take 2 weeks paternity and 1 - 2 weeks annual leave so we have plenty of time together as a family and he can help with DD, housework etc, so I can focus on breastfeeding and just resting up after the birth, and although I know it will be hard work, I'm actually looking quite forward to it being just the 4 of us for a while and making some memories. Of course I would love my mum and all of my immediate family to come visit the baby when he/she is born, they can visit as much as they like and I'm extremely grateful if they want to help out, but I'd prefer it if they book a hotel close by and not be in our house and in our pocket's 24/7. Not when we're adapting to life with a toddler and a newborn, no matter how helpful they promise to be. When I suggested booking a hotel to my mum she was horrified, and i think she truly believes I don't want her around at all which is just not true, I just want a bit of space, that's all.

So essentially if I agree to have my mum at the birth, I'm also agreeing to having her living in my already cramped house for 2 weeks. If I don't I'll be put on a massive guilt trip, there will undoubtedly be tears about how she's missing out on her grandchildren and how selfish I am.

What do I do here? Shall I just put my foot down? I know at the end of the day as the person who is actually going to give birth I have to do what I want to do and sod how anyone else feels. But a small part of me does feel a little bit guilty to not let my mum play an active role in the birth and being around when the baby's tiny because I know she will miss out on a lot as the baby grows up. But then it's not really about her! I just keep going back and forth in my head! What do I do here?! How do I explain how I feel to her, without causing a load of drama and upset? I'm extremely hormonal have 100 and 1 things on my mind and this whole situation is just causing a lot of stress that I could really do without!

Am I in the wrong here for feeling this way?

Yanbu. I couldn't have imagined having anyone other than DH there. It's a special time for us, no one else. My DM was disappointed which I found weird as had never discussed her being there.

You're not being unreasonable to only want your husband there and if you can bring yourself to I absolutely think you should put your foot down. This obsession with being there when the baby is tiny is beyond me, they're much more interesting even a month in anyway and still tiny.

I'm sorry you feel stuck but I think you need to just be really upfront. Say this time round you want to share this time with your husband only.

Say no and stick to it! If your mum can't handle it that's her problem.
No way on earth would I agree too this, far too stressful.
Don't be bullied, don't be manipulated and never succumb to emotional blackmail. Once you give in you've set a precedence for life.
Good luck with saying NO!

YANBU

Don’t get the whole mum in labour room unless baby’s father isn’t there.
I couldn’t think of anything worse!
Just put your foot down

How often do you say “no” to your mum? What happens then? Why are her feelings more important than yours?

Thanks for all of your replies. You have all pretty much confirmed what I already knew in my heart was the right thing to do.

But, how do I explain how I feel to her in the gentlest possible way?

YANBU. I love my DM to bits but only person I wanted was DH.

I had to do the same with my mum. First baby, as soon as I told her I was pregnant ( 6 weeks) she said " you'll let me be at the birth, won't you" at that point I hadn't thought that far ahead and said " yeah course" but closer to the time I realised that I wanted it beh just me and partner. I did let her down as gently as possible but I still got the silent/stroppy treatment for a day or two before she came round to the idea.

I think the birth should be exactly how you want it to be, calm and with who you choose to support you.

You will have to be blunt and just let any guilt trip go over your head, happy in the knowledge you'll have the birth you want/need.

She'll come around eventually

You're the one giving birth, you're the one who gets to decide who you want with you.

You're 16 weeks pregnant and you're already worrying about this? You really don't need that sort of pressure all through your pregnancy.

As you say, it have quite some time to think about this, which also gives you quite some time to learn to say no and establish with your mother that you are going to do things the way that makes you most comfortable and least stressed.

I'm really surprised to hear that you would be allowed to have three people with you at the birth, is this in the UK?

The idea of having a birthing partner is to support and assist the woman in labour. What are three people going to be doing during all that time other than just hanging around. It's not a spectator sport.

If I don't I'll be put on a massive guilt trip, there will undoubtedly be tears about how she's missing out on her grandchildren and how selfish I am

Given what happened previously i'm not surprised she's using this tactic, does she have form for using emotional blackmail on you?

Just tell her straight that you and dh want this time to yourselves and she's welcome to come and visit after X date.
Of course she will guilt trip you - but you need to stand your ground and not allow her to walk all over you.
I'm surprised she didn't tell your sister to do one after she just turned up[ at the hospital last time.

@pigsDofly yes my first birth was in the uk, and no, you weren't really supposed to be allowed to have more than 2 birth partners, I don't know how my sister managed to convince the midwife to allow her to be in the room but somehow she did?

@HeebieJeebies456 I'm surprised she didn't tell her to do one either! I actually think she may have helped convince the midwife to allow her to be there

I think you and husband at the birth is just fine. It's only in fairly recent years that there have been other people present.

Tell her straight that it's just you and DH, and make sure the hospital know your wishes too, in case anyone 'shows up'.

How would her plans work if you had the baby two weeks late, after she's due to return?

Look at it this way Mumtobe193 she has no qualms about pushing you into doing things you don't want to do and emotionally blackmailing you in order to get her own way, so why should you pussyfoot around her.

This is how people get away with this sort of behaviour, people are too scared to upset them. Well, she's not too scared to upset you because she knows you don't want to upset her.

Stop allowing her to walk all over you and stand your ground. So what if she starts crying and claiming all sorts of stupid things about her grandchildren? You'll all get through it, she won't expire because you've stood up to her and the sky won't fall in.

Be brave.

Can you not 'compromise'. Ask her if she will be around to look after your DD as you're so 'emotional' and not sure you trust anyone else to care for her properly. Then, of course, she can bring DD to come and see you and baby once you're ready, and she (and DD) will be the first visitors as they are 'most important'.

I'd stick with she can't stay at your house, simply because there is no room. You'd hate for her to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa when there is such a nice hotel so very close by.

But in all seriousness babies have their own schedule, so how is she planning on being on the plane to get there for the birth, unless she's thinking about staying with you for a month or more???

YANBU. Tell her tgat you feel much calmer second time around and you would feel more relaxed if it was just you and dh. If she wasn't at the conception then she wont be needed at the birth.

I don't really understand how giving birth has turned into a spectator sport, to me the only person (apart from medical professionals) who should be present is the person who put the baby in there! My mum who is also a nurse (so would have coped fine etc) never even contemplated that she'd be at the birth of either of my children. She said to me that giving birth is a moment that you have together as a couple, she had no interest in trying to be there during our moment. Same for after my children arrived, she visited with my dad but left us to it.

After we had our second child I loved them 2 weeks we had together with our toddler and getting to know the new member of the family. I would have hated my mum being around 24/7 and I absolutely love my mum!

I think you need to tell your mum gently that you only want your husband present this time and that need time together afterwards as a family. You could always invite her to stay for a week (if your husband is ok with it) when your baby is a couple of months old. The baby will stil be small but you will have had some time to yourselves. I think it's important your husband gets to be involved more this time if he was pushed out a little last time, you be putting his feelings above your mum's.

I think the birth should be exactly how you want it to be, calm and with who you choose to support you.

Exactly. It's your birth experience, not hers.

I had my mum in the room when dd1 was born, it was a nightmare, she invited herself, turned up at the hospital and barged her way in, it really upset my dh as he felt pushed out. I really wish I hadn’t have called her when I was in labour. I planned on having my brother and his partner there, they were sat outside waiting (which was the plan) which was fine. I have awful memories from my first birth.

With the 2nd I left my mum looking after dd1 so there’s no way she could have come to the hospital, it was much more relaxed with just dh and I.

@Mumtobe193 if my sister had forced herself into the delivery room against my wishes then we'd be NC from then onwards!

Can you say that you didn't get any time with you, DH and first DC together in the early days, and you are looking forward to that family time now, and you can't wait to introduce baby when she visits. Make it as non personal, pragmatic and positive as possible.

Emphasise to your mum how much you love her and and want her to be in your DCs lives - that's all you can do really. If she's determined to take it personally there's very little you can do to stop it.

Can't you have the nipper and tell her afterwards ?

Tell her your hospital only allows one birthing partner. She won’t know anyone who has had a baby there so won’t know if it is true.

Tell her that she can stay a week when dh goes back to work.