To not want my mum at the birth?

[Mumtobe193]

So I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with DC no 2. Still early days, and still a lot of time to be thinking about the birth, but I pretty much already have a good idea of who I would like to be there when I give birth.

As I live a plane journey away from my parents, I decided quite early on that it would be just me and DH in the delivery room. When my DD was born we lived around the corner from most of my family, I was anxious about the birth with it being my first baby and wanted my mum there for support, in the end it was her, my DH, and my sister in the delivery room (I was adamant I didn't want my sister there during my whole pregnancy, in the end she just turned up at the hospital & I agreed she could come in just because I was in too much pain/too high on gas and air to argue). So based on the logistics of my mum actually making it to the birth on time and because I had 3 birth partners last time, 1 of which wasn't really invited, and because this time I wanted a different and hopefully calmer experience, I thought it best for it just to be me and DH.

However my mum seems to be taking this extremely personally. I think because we now live so far away and she doesn't see as much of us as she'd like she's upset that she won't be around all that often when the new baby is born, which I do totally understand. Although we don't always see eye to eye I do love her dearly and I don't want to hurt her, but ultimately I have to do what I want to do, and not go along with what others want just to spare their feelings.

When I first told my mum I was expecting she had just automatically assumed she will be at the birth of this baby, I tried to let her down gently and said it wasn't that I didn't want her there (I kind of don't want her there) only it would never work as she wouldn't make it there in time with us living so far away etc etc. Her suggestion to get round this is for her to come and stay with us (although we now haven't got a spare room as that's been stripped to be turned into baby's nursery) move in shortly before my due date, and stay for 2 weeks to help with baby and DD. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to have a little help as I know how hard those newborn days can be, I can only imagine how hard it would be with another child to look after as well, but neither me or my DH are keen on her living with us 24hours a day for 2 weeks. When DD was born DH was due to start a new job less than a week after she was born so he never took his 2 weeks paternity, and we didn't get much time together as a family in the early days, and consequently my mum and sister were round everyday to help with DD and probably saw more of her than he did in those newborn days, don't get me wrong, I was so grateful for the help as I was knackered, but although they meant well they did 'take over' just a little. This time around my DH plans to take 2 weeks paternity and 1 - 2 weeks annual leave so we have plenty of time together as a family and he can help with DD, housework etc, so I can focus on breastfeeding and just resting up after the birth, and although I know it will be hard work, I'm actually looking quite forward to it being just the 4 of us for a while and making some memories. Of course I would love my mum and all of my immediate family to come visit the baby when he/she is born, they can visit as much as they like and I'm extremely grateful if they want to help out, but I'd prefer it if they book a hotel close by and not be in our house and in our pocket's 24/7. Not when we're adapting to life with a toddler and a newborn, no matter how helpful they promise to be. When I suggested booking a hotel to my mum she was horrified, and i think she truly believes I don't want her around at all which is just not true, I just want a bit of space, that's all.

So essentially if I agree to have my mum at the birth, I'm also agreeing to having her living in my already cramped house for 2 weeks. If I don't I'll be put on a massive guilt trip, there will undoubtedly be tears about how she's missing out on her grandchildren and how selfish I am.

What do I do here? Shall I just put my foot down? I know at the end of the day as the person who is actually going to give birth I have to do what I want to do and sod how anyone else feels. But a small part of me does feel a little bit guilty to not let my mum play an active role in the birth and being around when the baby's tiny because I know she will miss out on a lot as the baby grows up. But then it's not really about her! I just keep going back and forth in my head! What do I do here?! How do I explain how I feel to her, without causing a load of drama and upset? I'm extremely hormonal have 100 and 1 things on my mind and this whole situation is just causing a lot of stress that I could really do without!

Am I in the wrong here for feeling this way?

Just tell her the truth. Sometimes trying to find nicer ways to say things means the messages can get lost.

Just say "we just want DH and I there for the birth" and that she is of course welcome to visit after the birth like everyone else.

I had my Mum at the birth, husband waited outside both times. Ultimately it's YOUR decision as to who you let in and although she might be hurt, she has to respect that.

God no!! I am genuinely baffled by the idea of having anyone bar your partner at the birth of your child.

Ha thankfully I live in Ireland where the hospitals only allow you one person as a birth partner. I could think of nothing worse than having my family in with me while giving birth. My mum would be giving out about my pajamas or something

Was she there for the conception? No? Thought not. Then she doesn't need to be there for the birth.

I would.have died if my mother had turned up! But she didnt. So we are fine!😆

OP your question now is ... how do you tell your DM you don't want her at the birth (or in the time you have with your DH and your DC)

Check with your chosen hospital how many people they allow in - it it's just one, that's part of your excuse. Out of interest, who will look after your existing DC during labour etc? Check if there are affordable nice places for her to stay.

The easiest way in the long-run is just to be reasonable and frank. Tell her you welcome her seeing her new GC and her existing one, but that you and DH want the birth and month after to yourselves. Clearly she'll always be part of their lives and you'll send her the first pictures ....

If you think she could be helpful with your other DC at some stage, decide when and where she would stay before broaching it.

"God no!! I am genuinely baffled by the idea of having anyone bar your partner at the birth of your child"

Some Women want another close Female relative, with them. Nothing baffling about that.

It's become Cultural for us to have Men in the delivery room. It used to be a Doctor and Female only event.

OP I was my DDs Birth Partner and I agree for you to take the emotion out of it and be pragmatic and straight to the point.

With your second it's a few months in when you start feel really tired, that's when she'll be most use. Put it that way to her.

The only person I wanted at ds birth was my husband. I don't get the wanting your mum to be there at the birth thing but accept that it's a personal thing. For some it's a natural choice. I love mum to bits but this was something that was for me and dh to experience. As it turned out she couldn't have been there anyway as I had an emergency c-section

A few people commented on my decision about not wanting mum there but I would respond with 'she wasn't at the conception so she doesn't need to be at the birth'.

I made this clear to DM as soon as I could, she has now been present for both of SILs births, first time by invite, SIL doesn't have a good relationship with her mum and she lives far away, second time by assumption and SIL being passive rather than wanting her there. I actually said to her I don't understand why people want someone else as a birth partner unless their partner is a cocklodger (I was more descriptive but MN shorthand is useful here). She then queried if that meant I'd only be having DH at the birth and I said yes, and if I didn't think it was incredibly unfair to him I would probably rather do it with just medical professionals. I think she's a bit miffed but frankly that's not my issue. Lots of hospitals only allow one birth partner, so you can tell her that if you want to avoid confrontation

God no!! I am genuinely baffled by the idea of having anyone bar your partner at the birth of your child.

Well this is my train of thought too, but, in the circumstance of a 2nd birth, surely the obvious answer is that 'Grandma' will be needed to look after dc1? You've got your ready made logic there.

I don't 'get' the idea of inviting people to come and stay with you and expecting them to stay in a hotel though. I read it quite a lot on MN, and think it is incredibly odd. If you don't want her there, then just tell her that she would be most help after your dh has gone back to work - that you will be fine until then. YOu can't expect people to fly to another country then just be allowed 'visiting hours'.

YANBU. It’s your birth not hers and you should be allowed to do whatever feels best for you. She’s lucky she got to be there for the first one.