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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with Grandparent putting teen off chosen career.

27 replies

Diamondsandstones · 22/11/2018 22:05

Teen DD is an army cadet and is seriously considering a career in the army.
She and my Dad are very close. Hes lovely usually and I understand he is probably worried.

However he keeps coming out with comments to put her off. Even army cadets. For info DD wants to go in as medical .

I.e you would be better off joining X not the army.
A recruitment test , why do you need a recruitment exam when you are just told what to do in the army you don't need an exam .
And similar each time we see him.

Army cadets has been a huge turning point for DD. She struggled massively with confidence and socially.
She might not even go in but aibu to not want her put off if she does?

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 22/11/2018 22:06

Have you spoken to your dad about these comments?

Troels · 22/11/2018 22:08

I'd speak to him when Dd isn't there, tell him to back off and let her be. She will do what she wants and him harping on about it will just drive her away from him in the long run.

BarbarianMum · 22/11/2018 22:11

If she's as easily put off as that I doubt her heart was in an army career. Have some faith in her.

Pebblesandfriends · 22/11/2018 22:13

Can she shadow someone and make her own mind up?

Wearywithteens · 22/11/2018 22:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheBigFatMermaid · 22/11/2018 22:23

DD is similar in that she has joined Air Cadets. She loves it and want to join the RAF.

I would be fit to kill anyone who tried to put her off it. I think it is an amazing career for a young woman and will lead on to fabulous thing if/when she wants to leave.

Luckily most people around her are as positive as we are about it.

I think your only course of action is to talk to him about it, tell him you would prefer positive, rather than negative comments and she should be allowed to make her own choice without him putting it and her down!

ThePinkOcelot · 22/11/2018 22:26

Don’t blame him trying to put her off tbh. Really, is this country worth fighting and losing your life for?!

Carragheen · 22/11/2018 22:27

I’m inclined to agree with Barbarian. My parents spent my entire teens telling me university wasn’t for the likes of us, not to get above myself etc, and trying to get me to leave school early — it only fired my resolve.

Cherries101 · 22/11/2018 22:28

He’s probably a bit terrified of her dying out there. I would be. Have you discussed this with him? He might need assurances.

Witchend · 22/11/2018 22:33

I think people assume you want to put dc off going into the forces. Ds was set from about the age of 3 to 8 on definitely going to join the RAF. Almost everyone he said that to, turned to me and said something along the lines of "I assume you're putting him off, that's not a good career."

I found it a little sad really. Especially as when they asked the children in his year what they wanted to do and I think between 90 and 95% said footballer (boys), actress/singer (girls) or youtuber (both), and people were saying what lovely ambitions.

He's not so keen now, but it still features on his list of things he'd consider and I'm quite happy with that.

WitchyMcWitchface · 22/11/2018 22:36

Does he have recent e perience of the army. He should keep quiet unless he actually knows. Possibly he is old fashioned and doesn't think it's suitable for a young lady, in which case he should shut up.

EyeSaidTheFly · 22/11/2018 22:43

A friend's brother died whilst serving in Afghanistan. I don't blame your father one little bit. This is a job which could lead very directly to to your daughter's death.

Darkstar4855 · 22/11/2018 22:51

I think it’s good that he’s challenging her - it’s not the sort of thing she should be going into unless she’s really thought it through and is completely committed. A full time army career is both mentally and physically tough.

There is always the option of pursuing a medical career as a civilian initially and then either joining up later or joining the reserve forces as a medic if she is not sure about a full time commitment just yet.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/11/2018 22:51

Does he have any military experience himself? I toyed with the idea as a teenager (mine is the first generation in about 250 years who hasn't served in my father's family) and it was my df who spent 30 plus years in the RAF who was the most against it.

Obviously that was over 20 years ago and also based on knowing my personality...like my df I dislike being told what to do (he wasn't a particularly "good" soldier either but his men absolutely adored him).

I think the simplest thing to do would be to ask him why. If it's concern about her, you point out you can't wrap her in cotton wool forever and even if she doesn't join up, she might to go all sorts of dangerous places as a medic but without the "protection" of the military. If it's because he's anti-military which is a possibility based on the comments you refer to, it's a bit harder but it at least it will allow her to see his bias, i.e he doesn't want her to doing something she loves because he's against it.

Greensleeves · 22/11/2018 22:56

I think by the time a child is in the teen years and has definite ideas about the future, they should be robust enough to cope with challenges and even disapproval from the other adults in the family without the parents necessarily trying to shield. If dd is really secure and determined in what she wants, then where is the harm in her knowing that Grandad doesn't like the idea, and why he doesn't, and her having the chance to think about that and respond to it? As long as he is being respectful in the way he expresses his dissent, I would let them get on with it. My teens have their own very close and individual relationships with their Grandad, he doesn't agree with me (or them) on everything, but I don't worry too much about it because they're both strong critical thinkers who are more than capable of standing their ground.

AutumnEvenings · 22/11/2018 23:14

My DH served for ten years in the infantry, including NI and the Falklands. He still believes serving in the infantry was the making of him as a young man, but did not encourage either of our children to consider it as a serious career option. Instead he encouraged good education and careers which would last a lifetime for them.

This opinion was based on the way former serving soldiers were treated in civvy street after discharge. He saw former comrades who were injured in active service being given little support once they were no longer of use to the services.

Speak to your Dad in private as others have suggested and find out why he is negative about the forces. Has he served himself? If so he may have good reasons for not encouraging a young woman to join up.

Your Dad might feel that a young person who has struggled with confidence and social interactions might not be suited to military situations which require these qualities in abundance.

My husband faced baying crowds as a teenager, wore a self loading rifle on street patrol without protective headgear on NI postings. The medical staff had to go into the same situations to treat the injured. The reality is simply not known by people who have not served.

FunkyKingston · 22/11/2018 23:19

I think it's good she's getting an alternative perspective from her granddad. She's getting pro-army information from the cadets and quite frankly some of the recruitment techniques the army use to recruit teenaged solders are morally dubious to say the least.

If she's to make an informed choice then sge needs to listen to a range of views, but she doesn't have to accept them. The army isn't like other jobs, there are risks and hardship involved and that people come back from wars in bodybags or mentally and physically scarred and it could be her. She could be required to take part in a conflict she finds morally objectionable.

I would try and dissuade my niece or any other younger relative from joining the forces, i don't expect them to do as i say, but i would hope they would at least consider what i said before making their minds up.

StillMedusa · 22/11/2018 23:29

My Father tried to do the same to DD1... not for the Forces but for medicine. He told her she would never get into medicine, she wasn't clever enough, she didn't go to the right school (ie posh independent rather than the local comp she was at).
It took me a while to realise what was going on... she had her heart set on medicine since she was in primary school.

Then, I quietly took him aside and told him that if he EVER said anything negative like that to her again it would be the last time he saw his grandchildren. And I meant it. |Whether it was a good choice or not it was HER decision and HER future.

(He had done the same to me, and sadly eroded any confidence I had in myself as a teen)

Needless to say she is now a doctor and stressful as it is, she absolutely loves her career!

My DH was in the armed forces for 22 years and would have supported any of ours had they wished to go down that route. For an able woman the sky is the limit there!

Best wishes to your DD and if that's what she wants, she should go for it.

PinguDance · 22/11/2018 23:29

There’s a big difference between cadets and actually joining the army - I would hope she’ll take some of what her grandad says on board even if only to think about it and realise she still wants to join. I wanted to be an army doctor for most of my teens - no one put me off, I did loads of research and visits etc and then one day I just thought... err no.

PinguDance · 22/11/2018 23:32

@stillmedusa - sounds quite different really. Although defo think you had the right approach it doesn’t really seem like OPs daughter is being put down in the same way.

Merename · 22/11/2018 23:33

Sorry I think given chosen career is the army I completely understand. If it was a profession that didn’t involve war and violence I’d be with you but I’m glad she’s listening to him.

AutumnEvenings · 23/11/2018 00:21

@stillmedusa

My husband served in the armed forces and although he has great pride in his active service, he encouraged our own children to do as well as they possibly could in civilian careers.

Amongst his former comrades in non-commissioned ranks , many of their children have gone on to become doctors, engineers, some are now army officers. When a person has served as a simple squaddie, enabling children to do well through education is a matter of great personal pride. Our son has chosen law as his career and is doing very well, despite a comp school background.

In 2003 a young man from our town was killed in active service in Iraq as an RMP. Both my DH and DS knew him well. His life was wasted in a foreign land.

I say this as the Grand daughter of a soldier who went over the top at the Battle of the Somme. My GF was caught in the wire and sustained shrapnel injuries. His comrades came out after dark and released him, but for many years afterwards my own father and his siblings recalled that their father constantly had bad dreams and heard him shouting out at night. In the modern world it would possibly have been recognised as PTSD, but in those days it was labelled shell shock and men simply got on with life as best they possibly could.

Anyone who serves needs to go into it with their eyes open and be well aware of the potential consequences. We no longer have conscription and there are other choices available.

Original poster

Diamondsandstones · 23/11/2018 07:33

'Wearywithteens

Is this really about what you want OP? '

Definitely not about me weary! I'm terrified of her going in , I have friends who's partners are veterans, some with PSD and it worries me a lot.

I haven't put her off though, I've encouraged her to have a bit of a 'normal' life first, go to civilian college at least (she initially was going to go to Army College at 16 and several of her friends are doing so in just a few months) and go in if she is still interested at 19. I've encouraged her to stay on as an adult volunteer at Army Cadets during that time.

My Dad hasn't served , his best friend did but in a different armed forces. One he has actually encouraged her towards as she would be according to him in less danger.

We do come from a military family for many many years but not the generation currently alive.

I've just mentioned to him that cadets has been wonderful for her, that she might decide against it but that it's her decision.

It's her life and her decision. Her detachment is very very good and does not pressure at all about joining up .
I'm trying to give her the facts and info and she can make her own decisions .

OP posts:

glamorousgrandmother · 23/11/2018 07:42

My DGS is in Air Cadets and loves it. At the moment he wants to be a pilot but if he decides against it at 18 he will still have something worthwhile on his CV including Duke of Edinburgh award. I wouldn't dream of trying to influence him against it.

SynchroSwimmer · 23/11/2018 08:34

I am most definitely pointing my nieces in the direction of the RAF over the Army....based on previous experience.

Nicer postings, an all round kinder/gentler/more hospitable and respectful living and working environment - IMHO and in my personal experience over a couple of decades myself...

Also opportunities to be involved in aeromedical evacuation.

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