To still be utterly devastated a year after a wrong decision?

[mikado1]

I feel my friends and family just don't want to hear it anymore and I am becoming increasingly morose over a decision we made to move last year. I can't get over how short-sighted we were, despite plenty of naval gazing in advance of decision. Hindsight really shows up what a massive and irreversible move it was. I feel my life's been taken from me and I feel so stupid that I disregarded all I had and had achieved in the old place. I fantasise each night about the time of decision and making it different and I wake up each morning heavy with regret, just wanting to turn back time. I have been to counselling but I feel no one understands and worry I'll never get over it.

I think having a job is a huge part of feeling like you belong somewhere. Can you make a list of new things you want to do in your new place - so, not nostalgia for your own childhood but things you never did when you were a child? And set about making it your own place instead of the place you went back to? I think it's harder to move to somewhere familiar than somewhere new because you're much harder on yourself for not seeing the downsides in advance. Nowhere is perfect but it's especially hard to feel you've gone backwards in life. You probably haven't if your family is happy with it, but you need to develop a new relationship with the place/area.

PaulHollywoodSexGut all I can say is if it makes you feel sick, wait and see for now. I personally would move into a one bed flat in old place now,let the DC share, and sleep on a fold out couch. Size of house etc just doesn't matter, for me anyway.

I do think work will help so hopefully I'll get sorted soon enough. I'd go back in a heartbeat and feel i can breathe when we visit.

I have found that it took me about 4 years to settle into my last home. I ended up loving the town and then had to move. 3 and a half years down the line I am just starting to feel like that about my new town and home. My old town has changed loads, with lots of people having moved away. I would not want to move back there now. So you may still find that you will settle. I hope you do settle soon.

What's the thing about changing what you can, accepting what you can't change and being able to tell the difference. If your dc are settled then realistically you are staying. So perhaps look this quote up and try and live by it. It helped me at difficult times.

A therapist for regretting moving?

Can you identify what you like/miss about your old place, and make steps to,introduce them to,your new life.

Is there a third option OP? So not moving back to your old area but a slight Change of scene without moving schools etc?

We went from six miles one side of school to six miles in the other direction and the change was huge. Completely different feel to the place and it’s nearer the big town, nearer a nice park etc.

Can you put their school at the centre and then see what options there are?

It’s horrible to feel such regret and if you can’t move on from it then be brave and make a change again until it feels right.

I've been there, still am in a way, OP. It's not something you can switch on or off but it is something you can help appear in a more positive light. You may have had doubts about the move but something was wrong enough in your previous situation that made you and your family want to do it and then actually do it regardless of how conflicted you felt at the time. If that something outweighs the downside to your current situation then you didn't do the wrong thing in moving. As a pp says, a year isn't that long, you are in a very real way grieving for your former home and grief and the time it takes to heal isn't a quantifiable thing. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do but don't allow that feeling to block or minimize everything you could find to love where you are now.

The pro for moving was that my elderly parents were really struggling and I was on tge road a lot at weekends and felt v far away when things were hard. By the time I realised quite how unsure I was, we were too far along for people pleaser me to pull out... I think I thought I'd ride in and save the day... Now I feel resentful, at times. I feel I've given up my whole everyday life.

Thanks shepherdsPieIsMinging , if that pp had a constant mind tape playing of the various moments things could have been changed, of the different everyday things I miss and of the parallel life we could have now if we were there, she might understand the distraction and the impact of regret. I feel I can't make a decision and don't trust myself at all.

Would getting some outside help for your parents help? Maybe it would free up some time for you to try and make a life for yourself.

Thanks SnuggyBuggy they have lots of outside help, I'm not the carer, I'm the coordinator and it takes more time than you might think. I'm also doing their admin. I had more quality time with them when I lived away!

Maybe you can turn your own thinking around?
Someone once told me: " You only regret the things we didn't do. "
At least you have done the move & are certain that there won't be any what if moments.
Now you have to make the most of it... change your routine and build a life. (I know easier said than done.)

It is but you're right too... It would always have been a what if I think , I was torn either way. I feel if I can get a job it will help. And I appreciate everyone's thoughts here because people who've settled after a few years give hope. Ive gone from green/seaside area to more urban and I find that side hard but rural seaside where i am now would be v isolated which isn't an option.

Being the 'coordinator' and admin person for elderly parents can seem all-consuming and lead to resentment. Consider writing down all the tasks you do for them. How many hours does it actually take up? Could you organise it better so you don't feel it's tainting your whole life? Maybe devote a block of time each day to it.

And view the time you spend with your parents as quality time and not a chore. I wish I'd held my DM's hand more and not been so focussed on the housework and dealing with the bills

That sounds difficult with your parents. I'm going to sound mean but I can't help but notice elderly people who live near their children become less independent more quickly than those that don't.

How old are your kids? I ask because a lot of teens struggle with the rural lifestyle and mum has to be their taxi. You might not like it now but in the future there could be some positives.

Mikado it reads to me as if you spent your time in the old place thinking things would be better if only you could move back to your home town. You couldn’t appreciate what you had for thinking there might be a better way. You are in danger of doing that again if you are not careful. You’ve made the move, some things must be better - not travelling back all the time to see your parents for a start, lower cost Of living - I’m sure you can make a list. Moving back will not be all you think it will be and you’ll still have the problem of your parents. You made your decision and now it’s up to you to make the best of it. I speak as someone who moves a lot with DH’s work. You have to make your life in the here and now - don’t let fantasising about moving back stop you doing that or you’ll never settle. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, but I think part of the problem is you live your life looking back over your shoulder through rose tinted glasses at the life you lived before.

How old are your dc, shepherdspie? I've definitely felt like that, I'm hoping there's light at the end of the tunnel..n

I felt like this when we moved from a leafy market town with astronomical house prices where we lived in a flat. We moved to a city not far whch is vastly different and I hated it and regretted it every day and A few years in and I have made brilliant friends and truly love it, and don’t at all regret my decision.

Oh Shepherds, it must be really hard to feel like that.. thinking of you and hoping as time passes it will get easier.

to you. I have no advice I'm afraid as mine are only littlies. Do you think things will improve once the smallest one is older?

Just seen your other thread shepherds