To still be utterly devastated a year after a wrong decision?

[mikado1]

I feel my friends and family just don't want to hear it anymore and I am becoming increasingly morose over a decision we made to move last year. I can't get over how short-sighted we were, despite plenty of naval gazing in advance of decision. Hindsight really shows up what a massive and irreversible move it was. I feel my life's been taken from me and I feel so stupid that I disregarded all I had and had achieved in the old place. I fantasise each night about the time of decision and making it different and I wake up each morning heavy with regret, just wanting to turn back time. I have been to counselling but I feel no one understands and worry I'll never get over it.

I remember someone saying to me "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you". Wise advice, I think. You wanted to return to your hometown, you did, you're still unhappy. I doubt that returning to where you lived before would resolve your unhappiness

@paulhollywoodsSexGut I think you can get away with moving them up to the age of 5 or 6, so up to year 1. DS1 was 8 and found it very hard to adjust. DS2 was 5 and settled in much better. I based our decision on houses/lifestyle too but I discovered that I cared much less about a naice house than I'd thought! In a way it's been quite good to adjust my priorities although it's also been very hard at times. I don't know many people who've moved back after moving away but I think you just have to do what's right for you and your family, and you'll know it when you get to that point.

My father’s job meant we lived in 5 different countries when I was growing up - my mother had to settle us in to a new city/country, not of her choosing, every few years. As children we regarded each move as an adventure and were very adaptable, but my mother later told me it took her 2 years to feel anything like “at home” each time.

You’re only a year on from a big move. It will get better.

Your family probably think that talking about how negative it is for you, is just reinforcing your feelings and, to a certain extent, they're right.
As PPs have said, nothing is irreversible but equally you could build a new life where you are. It takes time and effort to settle. Although I'm wondering if the move has rekindled some latent childhood feelings or thought patterns for you.
I'd suggest being proactive in finding yourself again. Then you can work on integrating into the new community. Reconnect with your interests and passions. It will help you feel less lost and if, ultimately, this move still doesn't feel right, you'll be in a stronger position to plan the next one.

I feel for you OP. We moved a year ago and I feel the same. I almost feel homesick, nay, I do feel homesick for the old place and my DD brings it up fondly now and again, which doesn’t help.

No advice but there is others out there that feel similar after a move.

Ugh strikeout fail. Should’ve been italics

OP, my DH is in the military meaning that in 14 years we've been together we have lived in 6 different places. I've left friends and jobs behind each time, not to mention my family. It's bloody hard, I won't say it isn't. The thing that's helped me each time is finding something local to get involved in, or having a hobby that helps you meet people. I've done amateur dramatics, I had horses for a while so that helped me make friends at the farms where I kept them. I've been in a choir, now I'm a PTA committee member. Unless moving back is a possibility there isn't any point in dwelling on it. You have young children, you need to find a way to move forward and enjoy your time with them. If it's counselling, medication, mindfulness or just a hobby, I hope you can find what you need x

I think you need to work out if moving back is at all feasible before deciding how best to deal with this.

This is just me being a nosy shit but

I do dream of going back but rent astronomical in old area and wouldn't get mortgage until got perm jobs etc

Are you a contractor? Would you be able to work at a higher day rate to afford a return? Do your children need childcare?

The only reason I’m throwing these out as considerations is that if you are THAT miserable and you think moving back wouldn’t be a retrograde step for the family you’d need to present a well thought out case to return.

Again, I just feel for you heaps. Good suggestions on here though, especially the age-old but actually really good “join a group”

Having moved many times, - usually due to partner's work - I feel your pain OP. (My own work is portable but not all of life can be cleanly uprooted.)

You always leave some lovely things behind - and miss them. (Or rejoice that you had them for a while.)

Every single place we have gone to (some good... some pretty tough) there have been things that are better than before and some worse. It has sometimes been hard to cope of course.

In a place that seems worse than before, Pollyanna- ing really helps. (You remember: the 'glad game' from the book - and film Pollyanna? What is the good thing about a mis-delivery to their island home meaning that Pollyanna and father's only Christmas presents that year would be a shipment of artificial limbs? ... You all have to come up with a reason to be glad about it. :) ) We played it often and it made us laugh.

It also helped with the thinking positive and concentrating on the good things. The power of the mind is amazing - quite unreasonable in fact. You can start by acting and end up feeling positive!

You've already mentioned a few positives - having a better place to live in - not having money worries due to excessive costs.

Don't let the past get too sunny in your memory either. Do allow yourself to remember the irritations/worries that you left behind. 'Sour grapes' can help too!

My husband used to list pros and cons before we made decisions. He found it a comfort to look back later when wondering why on earth he had chosen certain paths! I prefer not to look back.)

OP we have moved countries 3 times. My experience was that the year mark was the toughest time emotionally.

The excitement of moving and busyness of settling practically, are past. Suddenly there's a realisation that this is life now. As PPs have said, there's a grieving process, letting go of the past.

And then, a lot of effort to make new connections in the new place, which may be very different.

I don't think your reaction is disproportionate. I do think there's a risk of getting stuck in the grieving process (what ifs, "bargaining" to make it different). İf that happens, it's hard to focus on forging a new life in the new place.

Same here, 12 years on....

I agreed to the decision knowing full well I would miss London and never be able to go back. Also knowing that it would benefit dh, dd and my mum, which it did has and does. I'm the only loser so I just suck it up.

Took me two years to settle in my new place. So don't give up! And dd said the other day 'I'm glad we moved here' which made it all fine.

Is it possible to have regular mini breaks in the old location? Eg air b n b or staying with old friends. It might help a bit with your yearning for the old area. Or if it's not as good as you remember it might help you get these thoughts out of your system. Can you make a deal with yourself that when your kids are grown you will return by hook or by crook?

Dh and I moved around a lot before becoming parents. Something like 13 houses in 10 years. Some of the time it the same area. Other times different counties and also countries. We returned to the U.K. but in an area I didn’t grow up in. Dh is foreign.

In some ways it is easier prechildren as I was able to get involved in all sorts of things. However children bring school gate parents especially if you’re not working right now. You will settle and you will find new friends.

What were the reasons you moved in the first place? Are they still valid?

Oh Mik. I remember those posts.
If it's any consolation I have just made a decision where I am going to regret for a long time. The hopelessness I feel is huge.
I don't know how to advise you. Is there no way back?

I'll probably be the lone voice of caution here but do you do this with a lot of decisions, OP? You moved because you were unhappy, you've moved and you are still unhappy. Honestly, do you have a tendency to say 'if we do x, then life will be perfect' because it doesn't work like that unfortunately.

I would keep exploring this with your counsellor if possible. But wherever you live, you take your problems with you so if there are problems, you need to sort them first. It doesn't sound as if moving again will be the answer.

As you say going back isn't an option (and even if it were it wouldn't be like you'd never been away it would be a different house, friendship groups will have moved on without you/your DC so the dynamics will have altered etc) so you have to focus on coming to enjoy where you are now.
There must have been reasons you moved there - what are they? Why aren't they living up to expectations? What is it you aren't loving and how can you change it.
If its the house/neighbourhood could you plan to move again locally in the near future. Or to renovate/redecorate - even if you can't afford to now plan what you ultimately want to do and how will afford it.
Is it lack of friends? if so take every chance to make some. Join the PTA, host playdates, join a local class/club.
Is it work? if so think outside of the confines of your current job - can you freelance? retrain? Network to find alternative employment? Go part time to free up time for something you have always wanted to do?
If you can let us know why this change has made you so unhappy we may be able to find solutions for you.

I was persuaded to move to a much bigger house by my partner, nicer house, nicer area. Hated it, thought I'd get to like it but it wasn't "my house". Was a nice house, big airy rooms, stained glass windows and polished wooden floors, but I hated it, was a house not a home despite all the improvements we made. Always said I'd move out without a backwards glance, lived there for 19 bloody years and finally closed the door on it.

i think one makes the best decision one can on the information then available. And yes, sometimes it doesn't turn out the way one hoped. That doesn't make the decision 'wrong'.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up, that you feel there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' whereas in reality, there is just different. I do understand that thinking, I have a medal in it!! But you made the best decision you could at the time, and that is all anyone can do. GO easy on yourself. I also think that regrets for the past can colour the present: having made an awful move myself, I decided that I would just give it my best for 6 months, try to dismiss all thoughts of 'if only' and just get on with it. After 6 months things did look different. Might be worth a try, maybe with some counselling to learn how to turn off or ignore the thoughts?

I would say stop dwelling on something you can't have. You have already said it is too expensive to move back so stop playing with that in your head, unless of course you do need the reality check of actually going back and seeing it for what it is.

You have to look at why you moved in the first place, why you chose the house you did. What can you do to make things better where you are?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I have move twice as a trailing spouse. Both times I have left family or friends, jobs, houses I loved. But it has led me here. I knew I couldn't go back so I concentrated on moving forward. There is no point whining about the move, what's done is done. Move forward.

But as PP asked, do you do this with lots of things, think X will be better than Y and then get fed up with Y?

I had a move pretty much forced on me, dh was in the military so we lived away, but owned a house in our home town. When dh left the forces, we had to hand back our military quarter and move home. I was devastated. I had fantastic friends, a brilliant lifestyle, everything I wanted, for the children to grow up, it was the perfect environment. Dh never really settled in the area, he had his work there and work colleagues, but no friends or activities outside work.

We had to move home. The first couple of years were horrendous, I pined relentlessly for my old life, for my friends, for my old way of life. But slowly, it improved, I made new friends, settled into life round here, became used to asking for and accepting help from family and made a new life here. We have been here for 7 years now and I love my new life, the house we are in (we’ve moved across the town as I hated the old house), I have made some brilliant friends as have the children and feel we have put down roots that are really important for us as a family. I’m know round the town (I do a lot of volunteering and work with children). I’ve felt properly settled since we moved to the new house, so 5 years.

Hang in there op, you might not feel like making an effort in a place you don’t like, but it might help. Joining in with school activities? do you work/are you happy with your job? Volunteering to meet new people/change things where you live?

My first move was going from a soft warm cosy environment into a harsh bright area where I was slapped about. The next 8 happy years were based near the seaside and then a move to seven miles away. Another five years and a move to a bigger house next door followed in 10 years into a caravan whilst working around the UK and after 8 years into a little wooden cottage in the middle of nowhere with 24 miles to a supermarket. Eventually, as needs must and the kids needed more room I made a final move to where I am now. Unfortunately, although I had a home base, my work took me all over the world, sometimes leaving me in awful places. My next and final move is now being contemplated and will be smaller and compact, not many facilities but with plenty of good comfort and room to fit nicely into a well-heated space. I'm not looking forward to that one but it will be my last. Sometimes it is better to accept most moves, as the last one, you will do everything to avoid.

Thanks so much all, I really appreciate all your thoughts and insights, many v much on the mark! Yes I always thought moving home would be 'it' and that's where the massive disappointment stems from, I feel rocked that I was so wrong. I feel like I have literally gone backward and I feel 17 again, dying to get out and get living. On top of the what have I done is the fact that I had massive doubts at the time and now realise the doubts were there for a reason! I am making an effort, no one who sees cheerful me on a daily basis would have any idea about the angst, sleepless nights etc. I have had to resign previous job so am job searching now. Hoping that will help.