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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bday present make or break

39 replies

Crookedcolours · 22/11/2018 00:38

AIBU to be gearing up to end a long term relationship over a present.

Bf of nearly 2 years on and off, just under a year since last break.

Never had a preset from him and even though he says all the right stuff that he loves me etc I have a weird feeling he won't get me one for my bday.

I don't want anything big, I just want something.

Aibu to not say much and see what happens?

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 22/11/2018 00:42

My thing has always been effort. I expect a nice card thoughtfully written.
Big present not really necessary, it’s more kindness and thought

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 22/11/2018 00:48

I am dithering on this one. My DH is lovely, I wouldn't be without him for the world, but he is hopeless at choosing presents!
I can literally take him to a shop, show him what I want, say "buy me this" and he will still get the wrong thing!
I guess it depends on how he is every day - would it be the last straw if he didn't get you anything? Is he caring and loving in other ways?

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 22/11/2018 00:50

But how would you feel if you got nothing?

I have concerns about his effort generally, hence why I'm so anxious about this!

I mentioned to him the other day about ideas for presents for him and he said he wanted ideas for me but then the subject changed and I feel like it isn't going to happen.

I'd be happy with anything, £2 box of chocolates happy days, just not nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crookedcolours · 22/11/2018 00:51

That's what I'm not sure about.

Wibu to make it the last straw?

OP posts:
trojanpony · 22/11/2018 05:35

You will some people telling you that you are grabby to expect anything. At all. Ever.
In fact, in 17 years their DP never got them as much as a paperclip and they are still so in love people vomit on the street when they are out together.

Back in reality. You aren’t - it’s completely normal to expect and get birthday presents. It’s also normal to show them you care in ways that matter to them.
Eg I think cards are pointless but my mum loves them so she gets one every birthday and Christmas with a nice message. Why? Because I care about her and I’d like her to be happy. It’s not rocket science.

Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t do loving things / have caring actions. At 2 years in you shouldn’t have concerns/question marks about how much he cares.

You might be unreasonable to let your future date hinge on a £2 box of Chocolate but YANBU to reconsider your relationship over a lack of engagement/thoughtfulness/ care/loving behaviour

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/11/2018 06:23

Agree with TrojanPony 100%. I'd only add that even if he gives you a gift this time it doesn't necessarily mean anything has changed in terms of his attitude towards you so I wouldn't allow that to carry too much weight.

Plenty of men will do the occasional big gesture and think that proves something and let's be honest, plenty of women will put up with that. It's the day to day stuff that counts and if he hasn't been prepared to put in the effort generally it's because he doesn't want to.

Blanchedupetitpois · 22/11/2018 06:43

Totally agree with trojanpony

Maelstrop · 22/11/2018 06:52

You will some people telling you that you are grabby to expect anything. At all. Ever. In fact, in 17 years their DP never got them as much as a paperclip and they are still so in love people vomit on the street when they are out together.

This does seem to be the thought process of many people on here. I find this attitude really strange. If my dh didn't get me a decent present, I'd be really pissed off. It's nothing to do with monetary value, it's about showing care and love and spending time on a loved one.

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 06:59

You are concerned about effort generally. You don't think he cares enough to make effort, even if he says the right things.

Don't wait for a test at your birthday, don't make your birthday a horrid thing you are stressed about and dreading.

You are allowed to end it now if you like, you don't have to give him another chance. You don't need proof he does care if you don't think this is the right relationship for you.

(And yes, many on MN are weirdly obsessed with telling other people their low standards when it comes to gifts are the correct ones.)

trojanpony · 22/11/2018 07:10

AIBU mini-tangent: AIBU to be slightly miffed only sensible/reasonable people have posted? Grin

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/11/2018 07:14

It's early yet Trojan Wink

OhioOhioOhio · 22/11/2018 07:17

My parents have been happily married for more than 40 years. The present thing has never been a big deal.

Because of this I never thought of my stbxh lack of gift gestures a big deal. But on hindsight it was a huge red flag.

Huge. Red. Flag. He forgot more of my birthdays than he remembered and, worse, he enjoyed the power of organising my disappointment.

It's not about being given an expensive item. It is about him wanting to make sure you know that you are important and valued.

My stbxh, I very slowly realised, ignored my birthday, was a way of keeping me down.

Unbelievable but true.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 22/11/2018 07:18

What does he bring to your life, op? If it's not much there is no point being in a relationship with him anyway.

As a side note; don't ever post about wanting to celebrate your birthday, that's a greater crime than hoping for a present!Grin

Crunchymum · 22/11/2018 07:21

2 year together with a break after a year. Are you sure presents are the issue? Shock

LanaorAna2 · 22/11/2018 07:33

Is he mean?

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2018 07:39

Don’t put up with crap men. Just don’t. Men are perfectly capable of buying presents, being thoughtful, being nice people. If yours has managed to convince you that they aren’t - dump, don’t collude.

Godowneasy · 22/11/2018 08:14

No birthday present would be a deal breaker for me.

Birthdays are a good excuse to show someone you care about them- not just by giving them a present, but by special treatment and consideration all day. It's celebrating your very existence. And it's fun!

Not to acknowledge and celebrate your partner's birthday seems so selfish and uncaring to me, and strongly suggests a propensity for a joyless existence in that person.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 22/11/2018 08:34

Ok thank you everyone, that's what I needed to hear

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 22/11/2018 08:39

just under a year since last break

Does that mean there has been more than one previous break up?

Personally, the present thing is shit and there's no way I'd accept that. But then I would never get back with someone I've previously broken up with.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/11/2018 08:40

I think it's about effort in general. If he didn't get you a present would he arrange something nice for you? Cook your favourite meal, go get you some books for the library and run you a bath and make you a cocktail? Or whatever else you like to do with your spare time. If he did this instead of a present then that would be fine with me. If he makes no effort with his time, to be thoughtful, to do things that you enjoy, then the lack of present would probably be the icing on the cake for me

Piffle11 · 22/11/2018 08:45

I think it's his attitude as a whole you need to look at: I can't imagine you would be thinking of ending the relationship if everything else was wonderful. My ex was amazing at gift giving: great presents, romantic words in cards … and yet he was a paranoid, jealous, controlling nasty bastard. My DH usually needs a few pointers when it comes to buying things for me, but he would make the effort if he knew it was important to me.

TheWernethWife · 22/11/2018 08:45

Pom how on earth can he get it wrong if you have shown him what you want, puzzled about that

Alfie190 · 22/11/2018 08:53

A birthday present wouldnt bother me now, but in a new relationship it would be nice to see some effort. This though, two years on and off, a year since last break. I am not sure it is meant to be snyway.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 22/11/2018 09:16

This wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me if it wasn’t symptomatic of a wider issue of lack of consideration/ thoughtfulness etc. The fact that you are willing to break up with him indicates that everything is not otherwise perfect. I don’t think anyone would dump a great partner just because they didn’t buy presents.

If you love him and want to make it work, don’t make your birthday a secret test. Speak to him and let him know how his lack of present makes you feel and why it is important to you, just as you have explained here. Then if he doesn’t listen, you can write him off. If he does, problem solved.

It sounds like there is a bit more to it and you have already pretty much made your mind up though.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 22/11/2018 11:07

It's been tricky because we're an hour away from each other atm and my ex caused problems at the beginning (smashing his car and things)

He is really lovely I just have slight concerns about his effort, he can be a bit lazy in general

OP posts:
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