To think school should help?

[twentytimes]

Dsd who is 10 and in year 6 has had a tough time of it recently, this has resulted as well as other things in a fear of being locked in on her own anywhere and of using public toilets.

She’s only just told us but the past few weeks she has been completely unable to go to the toilet at school and has also refused to drink any liquids before or during school to avoid needing to. This is obviously affecting her concentration and making the whole day very difficult for her. Twice she’s been picked up because she says she’s too ill and both times she’s made a full recovery as soon as we get home so its affecting her attendance too.

She is seeing the GP on friday and we are researching other ways that we can help her. DP phoned her school this morning and explained what was going on and that we were sorting it but in the mean time could they arrange something to make it easier for her such as be allowed to use staff or medical room toilets during lessons.
They basically just told him no and that unless she has a medical condition they don’t have to even think about doing anything.

Aibu to think they should help?
Do they really not have to do anything?

Why would the staff or medical room toilets be any different, I don't quite understand?

I think the school should be understanding i think. Maybe proper face to face meeting after you have been GP so you can go armed with some facts. Does she have good friends, maybe the school could assign someone to go with her?

Get a letter from the GP on Friday then. She does have a medical condition, cleithrophobia, although I don't think that sticking a label on it will help in any way with her recovery. Can you give us an idea about what brought it on?

YANBU, if the school is aware of this then they should at least make her drink and wait before even thinking of sending her home.

I would think a face to face meeting with the head to say exactly what you have said above, possibly offering some of the detail you haven't put in your OP, also adding the result of the doctor's visit, might prompt them into coming up with a support plan to enable her to go to the toilet in school, whether that is ensuring someone is with her, or something else.

I dont understand why using staff toilets would be any different.

There should be some sort of pastoral care in school shouldnt there. Is there no option for that for her?

DSD doesnt know that she would be able to use the staff toilets, she doesnt know where they are or when and how she would be able to use them, dp phoned to ask if they could find any other options for her try to make her more comfortable. Giving a her a quiet time of the day where someone could stand near by so she can just close instead of locking the door might help.

She says can't use the students toilets as she has to lock the door or someone could walk in, there are also other students near by making noise who can hear her or look under/other the stalls. She can't lock the door because its too small and she might not be able to get out.

Unfortunately schools don't have the resource to assign a person for every toilet break though.

Maybe coming home for dinner might help.

I would get on with seeing about her getting help for her trauma before it grows. Making this comfortable for her may get replaced by another fear that will need handling so she's comfortable and on it goes.

Poor kid. A buddy system sounds like a good idea - does she have close trusted friends?

Not drinking enough and holding urine in too long can both lead to UTIs and bladder problems.

They suggested she get someone to hold the door for her at lunch, thats wouldnt work. She doesnt have a close enough friend to ask and it would spread around.

She can't lock the door because its too small and she might not be able to get out.

What's made her think this OP? You need to help her get over this asap.

I actually don't see what they could practically do other than suggest a buddy which they already have and you have dismisses this idea.

They cannot spare an adult to go and supervise her in the toilets no matter how much they would like to I highly doubt they have an adult free to do this. Neither can they let her use the staff toilets as that doesn't resolve the issue.

Has something traumatic caused this fear?

OP what do you want the school to do? If you're rejecting all ideas here and from the school. I'm not sure what else will help other than you focusing on her getting over this.

They'd be opening a huge floodgate if they allowed your dsd to use the staff toilets just because she's not comfortable using the student ones, loads of students don't really like the school toilets.

Getting someone to stand with her with the door unlocked but in a toilet would probably cause all sorts of Safeguarding crap and and already overstretched school would have to find two adults (not one) able to drop everything and accompany her every time she decided she needed a wee. That's just not going to happen without it being part of a care plan etc.

hopefully the GP visit will be helpful and you can start getting your dsd some help to deal with her fear instead.

Does she live with you full time? Is one of you a Sahp with younger kids? If one of you is home and you live near enough, could she come home for lunch short term (say until Christmas) and use the toilet at home? Simultaneously seek some therapy or counseling for her to address her anxiety, through the GP, school or privately.

Is her school big enough to have a special needs room? A SENCO might be a more sympathetic person to help you with this and in a bigger school might have a room with toilets where children with special needs including social and emotional difficulties can be allowed to withdraw to under certain circumstances/ at certain times including break or lunch.

Even if there is no actual room there will be a staff member with SENCO responsibility.

If she's been through a traumatic event recently get an appointment to talk about her needs in relation to that rather than just the toilet issue in isolation.

Asking for special toilet arrangements in isolation from the tough time she's had and it's other ramifications could look a bit precious and be dismissed for that reason. If it's just a symptom of a bigger problem the response may well, and should be more sympathetic.

Be sure you talk to the GP about everything, not just the toilet issue.

Would a toilet pass help so she can go during lessons rather than at break/lunch when they are busy. I suspect they generally don’t let pupils out in lessons if they can avoid it. Get her to practise holding the door shut with one hand - vast majority of toilets you can keep one hand on the door. She is unlikely to be disturbed especially just after break or just before lunch.
I would ring and ask to speak to her teacher. Her teacher will know if there are any trusted pupils that could help, if she is a female she may be able to take her at the beginning of lunch but that will depend on no other staff using the toilet at that moment and waiting outside to stop other staff going in.
All the locks on school toilets can be opened from the outside in an emergency generally by using a coin. (We can’t run risk of pupils getting stuck in there!) Would showing her help?

Obviously she needs help and we are working on getting her that asap but I doubt its going to something that is fixed overnight. If they school really can't do anything then she is probably going to have to stop going, she can't continue going over 6 hours a day without a drink or going to the toilet and worrying about it which is just makign the problem worse.

If she doesn’t want a buddy because then people will know then I don’t think using the staff toilets will be a sensible option as that would be much more likely to open things up to gossip.

I think you need to be realistic in what you can ask the school really. Can she come home for dinner maybe?

I don't think pulling her out of school is a reasonable solution, especially when she will be leaving to move to secondary in September.

I appreciate you are worried about your DSD and her anxiety around this issue but I think you need to come up with a solution which works with the school. Hopefully the GP will be able to advise you better, but you have had some good suggestions on this thread so hopefully they can be a starting point in a discussion with the school.

twentytimes if not going is an option why isn't going home for lunch?

I think that's an absolutely appalling attitude from the school. They should be doing whatever they can to help a child who is anxious to such a degree that it's having an impact on her ability to do her school work. I'm actually staggered that they would say they don't have to do anything to help.

Do they have nobody at school that provides any kind of counselling? It's all very well people saying 'get her help' as if that can be done quickly - you'd probably be referred to cahms and that can take months.

I'd be speaking to the school to see what else they can suggest, but I'd be so bloody disappointed in their lack of concern for her mental health.

When my boy showed signs of anxiety and depression in year 6, the school went out of their way to help him. He was allowed to take himself off to a quiet room when needed without anyone tutting about 'what if everyone else wanted to do that'

I don't really know what we wanted the school to do. They just seemed like they were unwilling to even consider to help because they didnt have.
They weren't interested in talking to her to find out whats making her uncomfortable to see if they could do anything. They just said she has to use the toilets like everyone else at lunch and break, if she wants on her own she can find a friend to hold the door.
Even saying she could use the toilet during lessons or be let out for lunch a few minutes early so they're not busy would be something she could try.

Taking her home at lunch sounds like it could be a good idea, It wasn't mentioned and we didnt know that was a thing.
Does a school have to allow that?

I think that's an absolutely appalling attitude from the school. They should be doing whatever they can to help a child who is anxious

Realistically what options do the school have?

They cannot let her use the staff toilets as that doesn't solve the problem. The OP wanted a staff member to keep an eye on her which is not viable, so they suggested a buddy to accompany her instead but the Op says that's not a good solution.

I didn't see it as the school saying they wont implement something but merely pointing out that normally a child has to have a diagnosed medical condition for that to be the case.