To ban DD from saying 'Your having a go at me'

[Diamondsandstones]

Because I'm seriously bored of it.

This evening only.
She complained she turned the heating off last night in her room and woke up cold (bearing in mind she has two winter quilts and a hot water bottle in her bed.

Apparently saying there was no need to be cold and either turn the heating on or use the four seasons sleeping bag which is on the end of her bed was 'having a go at her'

Yesterday I asked her to look for something she needed for an interview that night. I text her and asked her if she had found it. She hadn't even looked. I said I would find it as she needed it straight after school and that was having a go at her.

In fact every thing I say to her as a parent or ask her to do nicely which she doesn't like is 'having a go at her"

Please tell me it gets better?!

Mine were responsible for their school stuff when they started high school. If they forgot, they took the consequences.
They did their own washing and were responsible for their rooms, bathroom etc.
They also cooked one night a week and did kitchen clean up 2 nights a week.
All while having jobs and playing sport.
Pocket money $50 per week. This paid for phones, lunches, hair, makeup, outfits, outings everything.
This taught them to budget and be responsible for themselves.
It is hard to let go, especially when their standards are not yours. It is hard not to redo things. Now I just say, you forgot to wipe the counter, or whatever. They learn what is important to them and to organise themselves. It is easy for them to opt out or blame you when you take responsibility for it all.

Can I recommend a book called ‘How to talk so teens will listen, and listen so teens will talk’.
It’s probably a combination of classic teen behaviour, but mixed with communication issues between you, plus your pandering to her every need.
Agree on do not iron PE kit. Just wash it, tell her it’s ready to be folded and put back in her PE bag. If she doesn’t do it, she has to deal with the consequences. If she can’t do PE because she didn’t have have her kit, they will deal with that, and know it’s her responsibility at that age. She’s not 6.

Try and keep a calm tone of voice so you don’t sound nagging, or sarcastic either. Just talk to her like you would to another adult.

Another option might be to draw up a chores list for her, linked to pocket money, if she gets it. If she’s bad at organisation, sit with her to plan out the week, get her to do most of the thinking though, so she’s taking responsibility rather than you having to spell it all out for her. Sit down and ask her what day does she have PE, therefore what day does she need to wash it, and what day does she need to make sure it’s back in the bag, ready by the front door. Does she have other chores generally, taking out the bins, loading dishwasher etc. Then set out the new rule, if she completes everything, she gets her allowance. Then it’s not nagging her, the responsibilities are clear, but she chose not to do it.

So much focus on ironing 😂 I’m nearly 30 and it must have been over a year since I ironed something.

You need to learn to shrug stuff off and not get caught up in teenage tantrums. Become a teenager yourself!

I have a nearly 16 year old dd and I don’t iron anything. If someone wants something ironed in our house they do it themselves. If dd wants her pe kit washed (or anything else washed!) it has to be put in the washing basket otherwise I don’t wash it - and I really don’t. Her pe kit hasn’t been washed for 3 weeks so far - yep I’m counting but I’m not washing it unless she unpacks it and puts it in the wash. If she isn’t bothered enough to do that it isn’t my problem!

The heating goes off at night in our house and dd has a hot water bottle she can sort out herself and 3 big fleeces. If she said she was cold I’d just nod and say yes dear.

Maybe I’m a bit tough but my mum totally mollycoddled me and I really struggled living alone as an adult because I’d never developed the organisational skills to manage on my own. Dd and I have a fantastic relationship but I won’t be her slave.