To ban DD from saying 'Your having a go at me'

[Diamondsandstones]

Because I'm seriously bored of it.

This evening only.
She complained she turned the heating off last night in her room and woke up cold (bearing in mind she has two winter quilts and a hot water bottle in her bed.

Apparently saying there was no need to be cold and either turn the heating on or use the four seasons sleeping bag which is on the end of her bed was 'having a go at her'

Yesterday I asked her to look for something she needed for an interview that night. I text her and asked her if she had found it. She hadn't even looked. I said I would find it as she needed it straight after school and that was having a go at her.

In fact every thing I say to her as a parent or ask her to do nicely which she doesn't like is 'having a go at her"

Please tell me it gets better?!

Stop ironing the pe kit. Please. I find the very thought painful.

An injury is different to a creased pe kit so I wouldn’t worry there.

Sounds like typical 16yo behaviour though. I was that teenager

Harshly... you aren't parenting a child at this point. You should be preparing an adult for life. And you currently aren't.

She isn't having natural consequences for any of her behaviour. Unless you're planning on parenting her into her 40s, you need to change tack.

I've had children at school for 18 years & have never ironed a PE kit! Usually I don't see it from one end of the term to the other, which is the DC's look out if it is smelly. I can guarantee it will be creased!
Leave her alone to make her own mistakes, OP. She's just being a teenager.

Ok I need to back off.
She had some issues when younger which has meant she has been babies by everyone for too long.

I have taught her to use the washer and cook and shown her about bills etc so she is prepared in some ways .

But honestly if I said nothing she would genuinely wear the same clothes for weeks and not shower or brush her teeth or whatever else.
She just doesn't care!

Maybe she would when all the mateys and all the boys started to back away?

But honestly if I said nothing she would genuinely wear the same clothes for weeks and not shower or brush her teeth or whatever else.
She just doesn't care!

That's fine just leave her to it. She will soon notice when her friends do

Maybe her telling you to stop getting at her is her trying to get you to back off so she can get some bloody independence! I feel stifled reading your posts god knows how she feels!

Sounds like you've been doing everything for her forever. No wonder she doesn't remember stuff if she's never had to.

I've tried leaving her to do it herself Red and she just doesn't and then has an utter crisis about it .
She does struggle with her organisation skills for reasons not related to me but most of it is genuinely that she can't be bothered.

She used to do a lot of this stuff.
She asked me if I would iron her kit, I said yes if you get it me, she hasn't got it me , she hasn't even looked. In the morning when she hasn't got it there will be drama .

What do you normally do when there is drama?

Seriously. You are the only person in the world who irons pe kit.

You really are. Stop, you're doing her no favours. Ironing PE kit is way OTT.

Try to ignore it red and let her carry on.
I draw the line at letting her go to school filthy though for obvious reasons. She has a bladder condition and obviously I don't want her picked on for that.
In the past she has made up lies to friends/school/teacher when she hasn't got her own way on something.

Believe it or not she actually has a lot of independence! She's in cadets and goes on camps regularly etc. Although she still declares i am ruining her life because i won't iron her cadet kit because they are meant to do it

I'm thrilled at the thought of never having to iron that horrendous pe kit again tbh!
I genuinely thought people did !

You iron a PE kit? Huh? What is that about?

Sorry, just read your updates. So glad you are converted to non ironing!

Honestly, ironing per kits is the equivalent of ironing towels. There's really no bloody point!

I recently banned the phrase "but I was just" because anything said after it is completely irrelevant. (Implementing the ban simply means interrupting and reminding that whatever comes next is irrelevant.) I'd be tempted to ban "stop having a go at me" because it's really rude and I won't accept being spoken to that way.

You need to show “kind interest” but not get embroiled in pointless nagging / reminders. Throw in lots of “I know you can do it” and “you’re smart, you’ve got this” to encourage her.

“Oh have you lost it? Oh no... bummer. I’m sure you’ll find a way to sort it out”

“Oh dear that top looks so dirty and crumpled. Let me know tonight if you fancy a cleaner looking one”

“You were cold without your coat? Blimey, I would have been too! You know where your coat is next time you go outside and can see your breath”

“You woke up cold because you turned the heating off? Well one day when you live in Hawaii you could turn the heating off and stay nice and warm!”

“Did you find what you needed for your interview? No? Oh dear. Let me know if you want a hand another time with outfits”

Work harder at letting her take responsibility while you’re a kindly aid and support.

Good advice on not ironing PE kit. I don’t iron school uniform either, as blazer covers up the shirt, which is a really good non-iron.

Cauliflower has got some good advice.

Also add in banning certain phrases which are rude or disrespectful. Consequences of using them in my friends house is the teen loses ten minutes of Internet with the router going off at a regular time to their devices, it goes off earlier for rudeness. Teens can earn it back when they make better choices. Has transformed their relationship actually. Suppose it would work for some, not all families.

You probably need to teach her to iron, then she can iron her own stuff (or not).

Are you yelling?

I have taught her to iron. She's been taught since cubs when she was small. She is in military cadets who also have taught her, she just likes to nuke everything on full setting and burns stuff. I show her properly but she can't be bothered.
If she damaged stuff because she can't be bothered she has to replace it or go without. Problem is some of it is stuff she has to have rather than wants.

No yelling, it's just white noise to teens and she switched off.

She's come moaning this morning that she has no pe kit and gawdddd she doesn't know where it is and it is unreasonable to expect her to open a door to look for it on top of the pile where it is.

She's also demanding I apologise because she is angry following the arrival of her half term report that I won't say that she put loads of effort in at school last term before the summer holidays when most teachers said she was putting no effort in, her grades reflected no effort being put in, her report reflected putting no effort in and she herself was saying she couldn't be arsed.
Apparently I'm most unreasonable because I won't say she put loads of effort in and her teachers are wrong even though she herself says she couldn't be arsed and have not believed in her and not boosted her self esteem...

You only get out what you put in...
Life is what you make it...
Yadda yadda yadda

Try and stop the discussions. Try not to give her solutions. If she says l turned off the heat just say Oh that must have been vcold. No advice!!
Same with report. Just say as long as you are happy with it. Responsibility back on her. Learn to say little. No debate. Its how they suck you into their web. Lock yourself into the bathroom in pretence if you need to to stop yourself from engaging.

Does she have dyspraxia? Sounds like her organisational diffficulties might come from something like that.

Can you not use humour to deflect? Perhaps it wouldn't work with your DD or its too extreme. When my DD starts having a teen strop I say "Am I ruining your life? Sorry about that" or "allow it!" and it makes her laugh or at least groan and give up...