To be angry with my DM for being emotionally unavailable my whole life?

[ManonBlackbeak]

Just the really.

Background. My DM has never in my life told me that she loved me or hugged me. The same goes for DB. I don't doubt that she loves me, but she just can't show it. There was a thread in chat the other day where Mum's were talking about little things they did to show their children that they love them like leaving notes in lunch boxes or warming coats on radiators when it's chilly, and I could have cried because my DM literally never did anything like that.

Growing up I had friends that had the most amazing relationships with their Mums and they could tell them everything and I never had either. She wasn't someone you could talk to. She was moody, unpredictable and sulky. I'd never know what I was going to get and she would fly off the handle over the most ridiculous things. Constant treading on egg shells.Worries and concerns were met with 'don't be so silly' or 'it'll be fine' and a brush off. Opinions different to her own were met with 'shut up' usually.

It's hard to explain, I sound so ungrateful. Even now if I need a sounding board about something im told to stop whinging because she 'can't deal with it'. Yet Ive got to sit there and continually listen to her whinge about how shit her life is (it's not btw).

Surely parents are supposed to love and nurture their children? Listen to their worries and boost their self esteem? Yet DB and I now both suffer with mental health problems as adults, him depression and me depression and anxiety. When DB was first diagnosed his GP told him to reach out to a family member to talk, and he tried to talk to her and she just sort of brushed him off. Thank god he now has a lovely DP who seems to have lots of emmotional intelligence and will support him if he ever relapses.

I just feel saddened and angry about it. I want to challenge her but I know it won't end well.

Is it wrong to feel like this?

Genuine question - isn't BPD something that is genetic ie that you are born with it rather than it developing from say an unloving childhood or other setbacks?

Borderline Personality Disorder, Vivaldi?

I think Hefzi’s posts on this thread have been brilliant. I’d also recommend a book called My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday- it completely transformed my thinking about my mother (who was also emotionally absent and hyper-critical).

Yes, is it hereditary/genetic or can it be caused by external factors?

Absolutely by external factors. There is huge crossover with sexual abuse particularly and significant crossover with developmental trauma.

Not to sidetrack the OP's thread but I think it can be a mix of both but I have physical, emotional and sexual abuse in my history. I believe trauma fractures the personality. I still remember the shock of my first slap at the age of 4. My brother and I were beaten by our mother who herself was an abused wife.

I wonder how many emotionally unavailable parents would now have a diagnosis of ASD. Looking back my df and all his brothers displayed strong ASD traits and were emotionally unavailable to their dcs and wives. There is an interesting current support thread for people with ASD partners on MN

Is anyone here familiar with Alice Millers work? It seems very relevant

Yes, I am, @wordthe, and yes it is.

Me too

My mum was,in my memory, a wonderful parent. But she became ill when I was 7 yo and my whole life from them until she died, aged 55, was dominated by her illness. I get very distressed/ angry now if anyone in the family gets ill. But I know my mum did the best she could.

DHs mum is as you describe. She never calls h im, doesn't mark his birthday in any way, and seems to keep her distance from all of us. He had (to my mind) a horrible childhood. He and his dsis left home at 16. I think my MIL had her own issues at the time, and she isn't a bad person. Just not a great mother.

Perhaps it would help you to think how you knew you were loved.

I was hugged by my parents, but I can't every remember either of them ever saying they love me, and I knew no one whose parents put notes in lunch boxes or who would put coats on the radiator unless it was to dry them, and generally that would involve telling the child to do it rather than doing it themselves.
I have no doubt I was loved. But my parents showed it in different ways. I don't miss the things above and feel they were wrong not to do them.
If you think of the ways they showed love rather than comparing the ways others show love.

I grew up in the 60s and this was normal back then, or it was amongst my peer group. Maybe it's generational? I know that I am far more lavish with praise and hugs etc than my mum was.

Oh! And the first and ONLY time my mum said she was proud of me was when I was 37. My dad NEVER said it.

I wasn't a wastrel, I worked hard, I earned less than either of my brothers but didn't borrow from my parents like they did. They did have lots of reasons to be proud of me and maybe were but didn't ever say so.

Mostly, I just didn't expect it but occasionally felt a bit sad about it. Then gave myself a kick up the arse for being self-indulgent!

It’s a very interesting thread and I’m sorry for everyone who had crappy childhoods.
I remember talking to my friends when I was about the age DD is now (16) about how my parents didn’t show affection and that my dad was so strict - and would make me feel guilty if I went against his beliefs. My mum was always over-critical and I felt she never really believed in me. We did have a good relationship in some ways and she was more loving in her later years saying ‘you do love your old mum’ type comments.

I always vowed to be more loving to my kids (I am), believe in them (I do) and not so dogmatic. It gets prob say I was too critical, but I try and rein it in a bit!! I will always say they look nice if they’re going out, congratulate them if they’ve done well, played a good tune on their guitar etc. I’m also more emotionally available even though as teens they don’t like talking about certain things w their mother!!
I suppose whatever we do as parents will shape our children’s parenting either for the good or not so good.

Also humour helps a lot too - we all have good SOHs and have a good laugh about nonsense a lot.

YANBU. My dad is the same way. I can't even hold a conversation with him. He doesn't want to listen. He's not very affectionate. I can't recall him ever hugging me or telling me that he loves me. Even though I had a comfortable childhood in terms of material needs I still feel that the lack of emotional support affected me as an adult. It's part of the reason I'm choosing not to have kids.

Btw, even if your mother had MH issues of her own it doesn't excuse the emotional distance. Being emotionally unavailable is damaging to children.

My mother wasn't very emotionally available to me either. I never really knew that she loved me much, or thought much of me apart from 2 instances: 1 when I came home crying having sprained my thumb, and another when I was in my 20s. Wow.

But her own mother resented her - they weren't very close, she was closer to her father. He didn't let her do what she wanted to as it wasn't "fit for a girl" so she was pushed into a career path she didn't want either.

My grandmother resented her (in hindsight) because getting pg with my mother forced her into marrying my grandfather - she had a photo of another man hidden in her dressingtable that she showed me once, a man who she had hoped to marry but this was war time and I don't even know if he came back alive.

My grandmother was very loving towards us grandchildren though, so I wasn't emotionally bereft - ditto my father. But no close relationship with my mother. She was better with my siblings, but I was first born and too like my father, apparently

I have changed this for my own boys - I cuddle them all the time and tell them I love them - we are very close. My mother died before my DS1 was born so I have no opportunity to say anything or repair anything with her, but I'm ok with that.