To be angry with my DM for being emotionally unavailable my whole life?

[ManonBlackbeak]

Just the really.

Background. My DM has never in my life told me that she loved me or hugged me. The same goes for DB. I don't doubt that she loves me, but she just can't show it. There was a thread in chat the other day where Mum's were talking about little things they did to show their children that they love them like leaving notes in lunch boxes or warming coats on radiators when it's chilly, and I could have cried because my DM literally never did anything like that.

Growing up I had friends that had the most amazing relationships with their Mums and they could tell them everything and I never had either. She wasn't someone you could talk to. She was moody, unpredictable and sulky. I'd never know what I was going to get and she would fly off the handle over the most ridiculous things. Constant treading on egg shells.Worries and concerns were met with 'don't be so silly' or 'it'll be fine' and a brush off. Opinions different to her own were met with 'shut up' usually.

It's hard to explain, I sound so ungrateful. Even now if I need a sounding board about something im told to stop whinging because she 'can't deal with it'. Yet Ive got to sit there and continually listen to her whinge about how shit her life is (it's not btw).

Surely parents are supposed to love and nurture their children? Listen to their worries and boost their self esteem? Yet DB and I now both suffer with mental health problems as adults, him depression and me depression and anxiety. When DB was first diagnosed his GP told him to reach out to a family member to talk, and he tried to talk to her and she just sort of brushed him off. Thank god he now has a lovely DP who seems to have lots of emmotional intelligence and will support him if he ever relapses.

I just feel saddened and angry about it. I want to challenge her but I know it won't end well.

Is it wrong to feel like this?

I often think about this and wonder if it's a generational/post war thing? My mum was a baby boomer raised by parents who had to deal with loss, fear and death on a daily basis during WW2. They could not comprehend emotional well being because all they knew was worrying about immediate problems like having enough food and whose house might be bombed next. Then I wonder why my mum can't express herself emotionally. All I can do is try and let my own daughter know she is supported, and try to be objective about my own parenting. I also don't minimise the sadness I feel at not having the relationships with my parents I always wanted. Hopefully we will eventually breed out emotionally distant parenting?

Totally understand where you are coming from. My mother was emotionally unavailable too. I can’t remwmber her ever hugging me or telling me she loved me. My father was angry and emotionally abusuve, she just stood by and did nothing.
I still hope things might change but she’s in her eighties now and just as self absorbed as she always was.
I am depressed for days after I see her. I feel she’s a stranger and she doesn’t know me either.
She’s totally different with my younger siblings which makes it harder.
Her own mother was loving and supportive although largely absent (boarding school, different continents).
I think my mother was depressed much of the time. She spent afternoons in bed whilst I cared for my siblings. I never felt mothered or loved. It’s really damaged me.
You have to accept that things will never change and try to mother yourself, but it’s hard.
My mother is now at the stage where she needs me to look out for her and give her time and attention. I don’t enjoy her company and feel resentful, but my siblings won’t and can’t help. It doesn’t seem fair.

I understand how you feel, OP. Anger is very destructive though, you have to try to let it go. You can’t do anything to change your childhood, nor can you change your parents. All you can do is try to go forwards and find the emotional support you need elsewhere, either from friends, a partner or counselling.

Anger can also be constructive.

No, I don't have a partner and don't really have anyone else to offload to. Any kind of negativity is met with a dismissive response from DM, she literally can't handle anyone else's emotions others than her own. She moans a lot about my Dad's moaning, but really he's just sounding off about work and his health. Just normal stuff that someone should be able to offload to their spouse about really.

I think there is some truth in her having mental health problems. It would explain the unstable moods, but she will never admit she has a problem and get help for it.

Your mum sounds like mine in a lot of ways - really feeling for you! Having my own children has really brought it all into mind a lot, maybe because I see other friends’ mothers around a lot. And because I’m trying to be there emotionally all the time for my kids, so actively trying not to be like my own mother was with me.
It all got too angry and painful and I’ve started psychodynamic therapy which I’m finding really helpful. Being angry won’t help long term, but I think there’s a lot to get off my chest before I can get there. Hopefully I’ll have a different perspective on it all in the future, and working on warm relationships with my kids and friends can replace what I feel I’m missing from my mum.
She has a terrible relationship with her own mother, and I know she can’t have been given good mothering herself. And some traumatic stuff happened to her. I think it will have affected how she bonded to me when I was little, and that has stuck. I doubt it will change, though she is mellowing a bit as she gets older, but I hope it becomes less painful for me with time. Reading about avoidant attachment has been helpful. I think there are good self help books out there.
I’ve tried talking to her about it - all backfired, very traumatic, and she never mentioned it again. I don’t think she’s able to deal with it.

That sounds so hard and heart-breaking OP. Whatever her childhood was like and whatever her issues, she caused you pain and has been a crap mother. You have every right to name how you feel and identify the lack of care you received. It wasn’t ok.

I think it is possible to feel aggrieved that your childhood didn't provide the nurturing environment that that you needed but at the same time recognise that your parents were probably also damaged by their own childhoods.

Many perhaps most of us are in some ways broken or damaged, it is a great shame that our parents wouldn't or couldn't be better parents all we can do is find ways to heal and support each other and try and do better as parents ourselves
of course we should also do what we can to limit the damage that our parents do

Yes counselling is something I'm considering. Ive had CBT in the past.

Really I think DM would benefit enormously from counselling herself, but she'll never admit to it.

Your mother sounds very similar to mine. It hurts and gave me a lot of mh issues as a teen. I’m still angry and resentful now but I see it as her problem, not mine. Ultimately it is her losing out as I have a better relationship with my mil than her, and my brothers are fairly distant too. I’ve also thought about counselling to help manage by bitterness. You definitely have the right to feel the way you do!

Gosh OP it sounds like you had a very hard childhood. I believe as a DM you should nurture and do all you can for your DC. Some women are not maternal or some are unsure how to show love or are emotional unavailable. Whatever the reasons it is shit for the DC.
I have a dear friend who's DM always put herself first, even when they were hungry. She loves her DM but has had to except she won't change. It has had a life long effect too.

@goforkyourself I could have written your post word by word

My DM was emotionally distant, and expressed her love through physically caring for me, making dresses, toys etc. Quite lost on me. So I was careful to give hugs and time to my children, but didn't do quite so well on the practical side. One DS was fine, the other I realised would have far preferred being brought up in my DMs fashion. Whatever we do to put right the deficiencies of our parents, we will make mistakes of our own, and our DC will in later years be saying "why did my mum never...?"

It's true!
society changes and things that seemed fine at the time look different in hindsight

I think your mother is a different person from you, partly as a result of her own upbringing. I have no doubt that she loves you but she has learnt that feelings should be repressed and not expressed so she finds it hard to show emotion, even though those emotions are deeply felt. A close family member is similar, in his case I am sure because he was sent to boarding school at an early age. There wasn't mum there for him, so he learnt to cope on his own. He doesn't feel any less, he just doesn't find it easy to express.
Your mother is not 'touchy, feely' in the way that some mothers are, or as you would like her to be, but she shows her love in practical ways. You know that she would always be there for you in a crisis.
Your mother is flawed, as we all are, but try to love her as she is rather than seeking something else which is not attainable.You and your brother are adults now and need to take responsibility for your own lives. I don't say that in a critical way, but there comes a time when we must stop blaming our parents for our problems but, yes, mental health issues are often hereditary.

OP I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I know how you feel. I can clearly remember my mum telling me that if I was having trouble with friends/boyfriends and her mum needed her at the same time she would have to prioritise her mum as that was part of growing up, when I had whooping cough when I was 10 I was downstairs coughing so much I couldn’t breathe and being sick,she was upstairs with her mum as she had a dodgey tummy and needed her. I can clearly remember being sick on the floor shouting for her frightened cause I couldn’t stop coughing but by the time she came down the dog had eaten the sick (sorry tmi). All through my childhood she made a big show of helping everybody else, I was constantly blamed for things, if I said anything about her mum she hit me. Everyone still goes on about how wonderful her mum was, yet my grandma helped wreck my childhood. I generally now have trouble making female friends. When I was in hdu and my baby in scubu she fucked off home and I didn’t see her for a week as apparently she couldn’t cope! Now she is old and really ill she suddenly expects this amazing bond between us (despite never being there when I needed her). Well I do enough to ease my conscience but no more. I ignore her passive aggressive comments about how every other daughter in the world gives up their lives to look after their mum. Well I’m sorry I’m too busy trying to be the parent to my child you should have been to me. I have now have bad mental health issues and it’s only through therapy I’ve realised it’s her not me. I thought I must be so awful for my own mum to never prioritise me and it’s let me with no self esteeem. When she dies, it sounds awful but i can’t see myself being that bothered.

My mum was emotionally unavailable and as a child I felt completely unloved by her. However as I’ve had my own kids I’ve on occasion found it difficult to not slip into similar patterns. I’ve worked very hard to guard against that, but it’s helped me to be more understanding of DM. I know she loves me, she just struggles to say/show it, but she had a dreadful upbringing and did her best to be better than her parents.

She wasn’t always a perfect mum, and she still has her moments, but I wouldn’t trade my childhood with hers for anything. I was always safe, fed and warm and there is a lot to be said for that. My own dc will quite probably say that I was an overbearing parent and smothered them as I am so determined that they will not feel as I did!

As I had my own children, I started to notice the small things she did for them, particularly on cold days, such as warming their coats on radiators before they left, or running the car with the heating on before she would let us get in. I asked if she did that for us and she said of course she did. It turns out she spent a lot of her childhood feeling bitterly cold and her parents didn’t do or provide anything to warm her. She is also overgenerous with gifts as she never has a single toy growing up.

She has never told me or my dc that she loves us, still isn’t one for cuddles (although I do always give her a brief hug when I leave her now, and the kids jump all over her and she no longer pulls away as she used to!) but these small acts are her way of showing she cares. While it could be hurtful, I am much more accepting of my mum now and I can clearly see how her past has shaped her. She doesn’t know how to express love as she was never shown but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel it.

I am not lecturing and do understand that my experience may be different to others as my DM was not cruel or neglectful, but as pp’s have said, sometimes it helps to understand why the person behaves as they do and it has really helped me and my DM.

At the risk of annoying some people, this may be a generational thing, depending on your age, the concept of having to be very overt in showing one's love for one's children is a relatively new one. A generation or two ago one simply didn't have to constantly tell a child you loved them, there was a more defined line between being a parent and being a friend.

YANBU at all.

I absolutely sympathise because there’s parts of your original posts that I could have written, but I know that in my situation my mother did her best under difficult circumstances, and her experiences were driven by her family background. I can understand why she behaved the way she did and I don’t hold it against her even though I (privately) consider that it’s been a major contributing factor to my own mental health struggles. It’s hard, but you have to find a way to make your peace with it.

That said, I look at my friends with children and see how much they openly love and support them, and there’s still a little part of me that wants to scream “Why couldn’t you just have been like that with me? JUST A TINY BIT?”

I come from a long line of dysfunctional parenting and/or those who had to parent under very difficult circumstances, and it’s part of the reason why I chose not to have children myself.

She does sound emotionally distant and to be honest inadequate as a mum. Perhaps you could begin to accept she just isn’t who you want her to be, most likely because of her own problems. But it will help you if you can come to terms with who she actually is instead of comparing her to who you’d like her to be and constantly feeling let down and disappointed.

Perhaps she finds it very hard to hear about you and your brother's mental health issues? It can be terribly draining to be around people who are always depressed, to the extent that you wish you could have a break from it. I agree with a pp - I think your mother is also depressed and her life probably is shit (why you think you can just dismiss that with a "it's not btw" I don't know, given your own struggles).

Whatever the reason, please do work hard on accepting that this is something that you cannot change. I was born in the early 60s and my Mum had a bit of a rubbish childhood. She did express a lot of love for us and was caring and giving. But she didn't really talk to us, she wasn't really "present" by modern standards of parenthood, she was like a benign background figure. I think that was the norm in parenting until quite recently tbh! She is the last person I would ever turn to when in distress - I have found friends and even therapists to be far more accessible.

@ManonBlackbeak I could've written your OP. Every single word, even the brother bit!

My Mum is still like this. Nasty and hateful towards me. Never has told me she loves me since I was born. My Dad told me when I was 7 that they never wanted a second child and mum was furious when she got pregnant with me

Well, after reading your OP, I had to call my Mum as my DD3 wanted to speak to her (they have a special bond) and the first thing she said to DD was "Love you baby" She adores her. So so so sooooo affectionate towards her. I mean I'm glad! Super glad that she adores her as my Dad passed away before she was born and her other grandparents don't bother. So my DM is all she has!

I guess there's no point to my post but to say you're not alone....

You're not alone. I'm struggling massively with this right now. My mother apparently brags to everyone else about us but is hypercritical to me and DBro, emotionally unavailable and has a lot of behaviour that could be narcissistic or could be a product of extreme anxiety and taking everything onto her shoulders.

The sad thing is that I can remember her being loving when we were little. I don't know what happened and when.

DB and I are not 'always depressed'. But we do have periods where, for whatever reason, we struggle with out mental health. DB had a bit of a breakdown and was told by his GP to reach out to someone close to him, he didn't have a partner at the time and the next best person was our DM who was to be frank, useless. Thankfully he had a great network of friends who did look after him, because otherwise I don't know what would have happened.

I know I can't change her. But it's the sadness of what could have been.

I'm in the same boat, but with my father and close to two years in therapy, i'm still angry an bitter and haven't moved on much yet. Because all that we went through could have been avoided. All my siblings may be highly functioning but we all have struggled with severe depression. I have borderline personality disorder, my brother an eating disorder.

My father was there but not there. I was fed and had a bed to sleep in but I don't have a single memory of being hugged, read to or played with. I never had help with homework. We never went on holiday. I couldn't share anything. When I was bullied at school, he called me the same thing those kids did and made self harm jokes. The one time we did go to legoland he ruined by shouting at us before we even left the car, then he left and walked out on us when we were there too. I did get a lot of verbal and emotional abuse- I never felt safe at home because he could snap at anything.

I know my grandfather didn't treat him well, but he had a choice to act like him too.