Right to be slightly offended by no word of thanks?!

[LDN80]

This has been bugging me for a while now so all opinions would be greatly appreciated. A few months ago, friends of mine got married in our hometown in which my partner and I were invited to the evening reception. I now live over 400 miles away but I thought I could justify the long drive there and back for the weekend by spending time with family and other friends while being back at home aswell as attending , so the travel ( although a long way for a short period of time) or being invited to the evening part wasn’t an issue. My biggest issue is not having any thanks for the present we bought them. It’s been a few months now since the big day and I’m still seeing posts and photos of the big day on social media but yet no thanks or acknowledgment for the present! I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive here, and it’s not catastrophic,but I just find it a bit rude? Yes I didn’t make the journey solely for the wedding, and I did enjoy the weekend but surely the least you can do after guests spend money on a gift for you is to thank them?! Any thoughts on this?

If something is expected in return it's not a gift it's a transaction.

You've said you had to justify the journey. And that it was an evening invite only, plus money was involved. If these things truly didn't bother you then why mention it. True deep down connections with others don't involve this trivia. The whole thing strikes me of "friends", so why would any response or lack there of be anymore genuine than the original gesture.

If the whole thing was a transaction then yes it was rude but lets not dress this up as gift giving.

It’s rude.

Personally I don’t care about the form of the thank you, e-mail would be fine, it’s the acknowledgment of the effort and thought which matters.

Why don't you just give them a call, and while chatting ask them if they liked their present?

I've had thank you cards nearly a year after a wedding because they are based on the official photos which can take ages. We were slow with ours, to be honest, because we made individual ones with a really nice photo of that person/family member from the day. So it took a while to get the photos sorted, cards made etc.

Lots of people do these individual type ones now. I'm not sure I'd bother now as no-one else cares so much about someone else's wedding day. I'd probably go generic and quicker.

I don't think Vitalogy's view is a common one, to be honest.

It's normal and usual to say thank you for a gift - it's not "transactional" - it's acknowledging that someone has put thought, effort and money into a gift. It's good manners.

It also acknowledges receipt of the gift - so that the giver can know that the recipient did actually receive the gift, it didn't get lost or left behind or, in the case of store list gifts, not delivered (happens).
So it's useful to know that the gift has reached its destination - because if it hasn't there is a limited period in which this can be chased up to find out what did happen to it.

You are absolutely right OP. It is super rude but I hope you can forgive them.

It’s over 30 years since I got married. We didn’t send out a single thank you card because I found the whole prospect so massively overwhelming that I kept postponing it and postponing it until in the end it was just too late. To this day I still feel ashamed about it although as far as I know DH has never given it a second thought.

It doesn’t seem to have had any negative impact on our connections with friends and relations, thank goodness so I am hoping that those who noticed the omission have forgiven us. Just one (lovely) aunt 10 years later railed to me about the rudeness of unnamed youngsters who no longer send thank you notes. I bit my tongue and accepted the veiled telling off. I deserved it.

We had a huge wedding. So almost 100 gifts. No individual thank you notes were given. But then again its not the done thing to do that. A thank you in the wedding speech usually covers it. I wouldnt be offended.

It is rude.

Happened to me earlier this year too, turns out all the gifts and cards had gotten mixed up at the wedding and they didn't know who to thank for what.

I’m not sure I’ve ever had a thank you card for wedding gifts🤔 I had a not gifts policy at my wedding

A thank you card acknowledges that they got your gift and know it's from you. For all you know they actually think that your gift came from Great aunt Ida. You could text and ask which would make the point theyve been rude.

I think you’re right about vitalogy opinion not being a common one. This has got nothing to do with ‘transaction’ and it certainly isn’t getting ‘dressed up as gift giving’ why is so bad to be hurt over no acknowledgement for a kind and thoughtful gesture?! But maybe you guys are right to check in and see if they definitely got it or if there was a mix up. It’s not going to change my opinion of them either way, it’s just how people react differently to gift giving that puzzles me!

Why wouldn't it change your opinion of them if you were to discover that, say, they didn't receive the present or that your present lost its card?

I'll be honest we didn't send thank you cards. I fully intended to but we got married just before Christmas, had our honeymoon, sorted out Christmas and new year, then I was changing my band etc. Before I knew it, a couple of months had passed and I hadn't really got anywhere with it. Sending 50+ thank you cards in an onerous task for anyone!

@SilverLining10 “
We had a huge wedding. So almost 100 gifts. No individual thank you notes were given. But then again its not the done thing to do that.“

According to whom is it not the done thing? I like the way you try to deflect responsibility- “WE had a huge wedding” but not “WE didn’t send thank you notes” instead it’s just magically something that didn’t happen. I don’t think even you think not sending notes is really the ‘done thing’.

Miscrible:either way I still like them..friends are friends, although the difference in manners may differ 😂

Wow Silver, you have the time, finances and energy to arrange a wedding for over 100 guests but you can’t find the time to write thank you letters, I think your priorities are wrong.
We had a funny thank you a few years ago, from my DH’s God- daughter, it was so clearly written by her mother , perhaps the bride was also too ‘exhausted’ to do her own thank you letters.

But it’s not just weddings, it seems so rare to get any sort of thank you for a gift these days, I’ve given up expecting thank you’s from my nieces and nephews* for birthday and Christmas presents, doesn’t have to be a letter, a text or email would be fine but even that seems ‘too hard’. I still insist my 17 year old DS writes thank you letters, yes it’s a chore but he needs to learn it is important.

• These are gifts (money) sent in the post so it’s not as though they thank me personally when I give them. I know they are received because the cheques are cashed.

It’s all about priorities, consideration and gratitude

Exactly

FWIW I'm no even sure that "expecting" a thank you is quite the right word; it's more a knowledge that this is how courteous people behave, leading occasionally to surprise that some don't

I'm another who taught my DS to thank folk properly, but best of all are my young friends who are doing the same with their DCs. It's tempting to think this is a generational thing, but IME it isn't always so

YANBU.

We attended the wedding of a family member, a nephew on my husband's side, early in the Summer and gave (as requested) money as a gift.
We had to travel a long distance, stay in a hotel and take time off work as it was a midweek wedding. Of course, all of that was our choice but we felt obliged to go with him being close on the family tree.
Nearly 5 months on and there hasn't been any kind of thank you. Nothing on Facebook, no texts or a written one.

I probably shouldn't be surprised though as neither he or his brothers have ever thanked us for presents given at Christmas and birthdays.