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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Right to be slightly offended by no word of thanks?!

69 replies

LDN80 · 19/11/2018 23:50

This has been bugging me for a while now so all opinions would be greatly appreciated. A few months ago, friends of mine got married in our hometown in which my partner and I were invited to the evening reception. I now live over 400 miles away but I thought I could justify the long drive there and back for the weekend by spending time with family and other friends while being back at home aswell as attending , so the travel ( although a long way for a short period of time) or being invited to the evening part wasn’t an issue. My biggest issue is not having any thanks for the present we bought them. It’s been a few months now since the big day and I’m still seeing posts and photos of the big day on social media but yet no thanks or acknowledgment for the present! I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive here, and it’s not catastrophic,but I just find it a bit rude? Yes I didn’t make the journey solely for the wedding, and I did enjoy the weekend but surely the least you can do after guests spend money on a gift for you is to thank them?! Any thoughts on this?

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LDN80 · 20/11/2018 11:26

I did actually say on my Orginal post that it wasn’t a chore to travel there so I don’t think I the bride would be offended so I don’t really see that is a particularly helpful response saying she would think it was an onerous task bridgetreilly!

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/11/2018 11:32

generally i think a thank you within a week is what should be done. Doesnt need to be the traditional thank you card, but some acknowledgement that people have taken time out to celebrate with you and buy you something.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2018 11:34

I think it's rude. I felt bad enough sending my thank yous out 3 months after the wedding - but I had a bit of an excuse, my Mum had died 2 weeks after the wedding and we'd had a bit to deal with.

winterhappiness · 20/11/2018 11:59

My husband and I once attended a christening of the baby of my husbands best friend. It was quite a distance away. We were the only friends to attend. Everyone else was family or home town friends of the mother.

We were younger, so didn't have much spare cash at the time. They knew this. But my husband took the day off work (losing out on pay), and we spent money traveling to the christening.

When we arrived, we were basically blanked by the mothers family, people we had met before! We felt really uncomfortable the whole time. The fathers family, whom my husband had met before, were the only people who spoke to us the whole day. They were lovely.

We spent money on 2 really nice gifts. We were pretty chuffed with our gifts to be honest. We were really happy to be giving them. We thought they would be well received!

We never even got an acknowledgement of the gifts... never even got a "thank you so much for making the effort to come".

To be honest, it was the beginning of the end of the "best friend" friendship. My husband was quite upset about it. Not angry, just upset. Upset about not being acknowledged, and also upset because he realized this friendship was going to fizzle out somewhat.

This was our first experience like this. As I said , we were younger at the time. It still kinda hurts to be honest. So it made me realize the importance of acknowledging/ saying thank you. Since then (and even before, but I'm more aware of it now), I have always made the effort to thank anyone for their gifts / well wishes.

It is rude.

winterhappiness · 20/11/2018 12:04

Oh and just to add, the gifts were very normal gifts one would get at a christening. Nothing out of the ordinary 😂 but they were good quality. Definitely not something anyone would be offended at getting. Very very normal gifts to receive. So that definitely wasn't the issue!

ShanghaiDiva · 20/11/2018 12:08

It's rude.
Writing a thank you letter is a 10 minute job imo.

Rachelover40 · 20/11/2018 12:29

I think it is rude not to acknowledge a present. I well remember writing thank you cards to everyone, some before the wedding if the gift was given in advance. However some people are just like that, they don't think. Not much you can do about it I'm afraid.

GottaGoGottaGo · 20/11/2018 12:47

It's nice to receive a thank you (we always had to write thank you cards after Christmas or birthdays and have carried that on with our DD) but I don't give presents to receive thanks....

Limensoda · 20/11/2018 13:01

I think they should have sent out thank you notes if they havent verbally thanked people but to be honest when I've given wedding presents I've forgotten all about it as soon as I've handed it over. I can't remember ever receiving a written thank you.
If it did bother me I would probably contact them to see how they are and ask if they liked the present....but I never have.

JudyDenchsBloomers · 20/11/2018 13:07

Travelled 5500 miles to attend a good friend's wedding in May. My choice I know, but with flights, outfit, accommodation, taxi and bar bills etc, 'twas a pricey weekend. Wedding gift was in the card posted in the specially designated wedding card post box at the venue. Heard nothing since.

YANBU.

Bitchywaitress · 20/11/2018 13:19

It’s rude. We haven’t heard anything at all about the last 2 gifts we gave. Both couples had time to write a poem asking for cash, but not even a thank you email. Sadly it seems that what people do now.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/11/2018 13:59

I am not on facebook so putting up a thank you on facebook will not reach all your guests. Maybe from now on l will say to myself..Ah they probably put it on facebook!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2018 14:07

I think it's extremely rude; nobody expects a pages-long thank you written on handmade vellum so even a quick text would be something, but if you can put the effort into organising a wedding then you can do the same to say thank you

Sorry, but given the distance at which you live, I'd wonder if the "evening only" invitation was purely for the sake of an extra gift Sad

LivLemler · 20/11/2018 14:39

Writing a thank you letter is a 10 minute job imo.

Well yes, if there's one letter to write. But following a wedding there could easily be 50 or 100. It's a big job.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 20/11/2018 14:43

TBH, I’m not bothered about the formality of thank you cards but I would expect a basic ‘thank you’. It’s pretty basic.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 20/11/2018 14:46

I recently got a thank you card from a couple whose wedding we attended and for whom we bought a gift. I was a bit like, "why?". I just threw it in the bin. I wasn't expecting a card and don't think it's necessary. It's just extra work.

iIcouldsleepforaweek · 20/11/2018 14:48

I posted a generally thank you on social media to all our friends and family for the gifts, money and for people coming to the wedding. I then sent out thank you cards about 6 weeks after - I was so unbelievably unwell with HV in the first trimester so to be honest, it was something I just didn't get round to doing for ages and DH was working 12 hrs and running the house whilst I had my head in the toilet 24 hrs a day. I think if they haven't sent a thank you card within 3 months it then takes the piss a bit

FrancisCrawford · 20/11/2018 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamingValenta · 20/11/2018 16:47

I agree with FrancisCrawford. When you think of the time people spend in the run up to the wedding on planning and so forth, the time it would take to write even short 100 letters isn't that big a commitment.

However, even signing your names on 100 generic thank you cards without adding a letter would be better than doing nothing.

Vitalogy · 20/11/2018 16:57

I think if you give something freely no thanks is required.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2018 17:07

even signing your names on 100 generic thank you cards without adding a letter would be better than doing nothing

Or even printing notes out themselves ... or sending a nice email ... or simply a text if they must ... in other words just something

And before anyone mentions this, it's not about "gifts with conditions" but the thought that maybe a few manners might be shown ... is that really too much to hope for?

LDN80 · 20/11/2018 20:27

Thanks for the responses guys. I’m glad it’s not ( mainly!) just me who thinks I’m not being unreasonable here. It’s just a bit thoughtless isn’t? Like it’s been said, I wasn’t expecting a big thank you gesture! A few words on a text or Facebook would have done me! I guess not everyone feels the need for good manners. ):

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Ragwort · 20/11/2018 20:38

Totally agree that it is very rude, and as a PP said many couples (brides) can spend years planning every single detail of their wedding yet consider it ‘hard work’ to write thank you letters. I remember writing a few on my honeymoon to get them started Grin.

I remember one indignant new bride on Mumsnet a few years ago saying she was ‘exhausted’ after her wedding and honeymoon and needed a few months to get into her new lifestyle with her DH before she could tackle her thank you letters Grin.

Vitalogy · 20/11/2018 20:47

If you require a payment in what ever form when giving a gift then it isn't a gift.

LDN80 · 20/11/2018 21:10

Vitality:you class a quick thank you gesture as a payment for a gift?! It’s not expecting payment, it’s just about having basic manners!

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