To be at my wits end with DS behaviour at scho

[Missythecat]

Sorry posting here for traffic

Back history: DS6 has never done amazingly at school. On and off behaviour issues since reception. Mostly getting cross and messing about at carpet time.

Year 2 hits and it has got so bad. Refuses to do work, runs away, screams and shouts, hitting etc.

He has always struggled to make friends. He's quite bright but doesn't listen so struggles academically too. He always tells me that school is boring etc.

I have enforced reward/punishment at home. We have a system where he earns screen time dependent on his behaviour at school. Reward charts, visual cues that I have given to school. You name it.

It has got to the point recently that I am getting called to school to come pick him up early as he is kicking off. Trouble is I am a single parent and cannot keep leaving work if I want to be able to keep my job!

Looking for any ideas, similar experiences and to mostly have a rant. I don't know how to help him at school. He's ok at home, can sometimes be a bit cheeky but nothing remotely like the behaviour at school.

Help!

Absolutely ask for a meeting with the teacher and school SENCO. If this is because of additional needs they need to be looking into how they can support him, not just sending him home. Again if it is because of additional needs don't add further punishments at home, what happens in school is dealt with at school not at home as his could add to the problem. Good luck.

Missy That’s exactly what the EP said. Once we stopped the “incentive” (but really double punishment) his behaviour did improve a bit, but if I’m being honest, not to an acceptable level. He was still disruptive, but he was visibly less stressed/wound up.

In our case he was spending an awful lot of time sitting outside the Head’s office and the school took a zero tolerance approach with him to the point that if he so much as chewed on a pencil, he had to spend lunchtime break in the library sitting and staring at the table. The EP told the school in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable and making the situation worse.

What did help us was his moving to a very strict teacher in terms of nipping his bad behaviour in the bud (and then if he continued, going on the grey cloud etc), but one who also made the point of praising him at the end of a good day.

Mostly though, he needed to mature and when he looks back now, he still can’t explain why he behaved the way he did or tell us what would have worked. He’s a swim coach now and thoroughly empathises with what we went through as he deals with younger children who often don’t listen! So again- there is light at the end of the tunnel!

From what you have said I think investigating the possibility of SEN might be worthwhile.

My youngest has ADHD and what you are describing sounds very familiar! It's amazing the difference that a bit of tailored support can make- different strategies to meet the needs of the child.

No, your GP can handle the referral. If it comes to an MDA then they (the hospital) will ask the school to get involved and send through paperwork for them to complete. Have you discussed it with the school SENCO?

Also sounds like my child with HFA.
Have a look at www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

Echo the advice to go to your GP for a referral. Mine referred us and was very lovely.

I do think that now if he does anything wrong then he is sent away from class, which is achieving his objectives and also means that he doesn't get an opportunity to put it right. Behaviour is learnt from experiences and he is not getting that at the moment, ie how to calm down, in class, when frustrated.

Ok I might book an appointment with GO then. Even if he doesn't have additional needs, it needs to be investigated and if ruled out, then the school need to put an alternative plan in place.

He genuinely isn't just a naughty kid, he's lovely so much of the time. Bit too clever for his own good sometimes but such a funny, sweet, loving kid

GP. Bloody phone.

I would definitely suggest booking a double appointment and going 'armed'. Take a list of occasions when your DS has been excluded, find any descriptions of his behaviour at school that tie in with descriptions of behaviours that are typical for ASD, ADHD, ODD/PDA, anxiety, dyslexia or dyspraxia - technically it's not necessary but I've really found it helpful to show medical professionals that you're not there because you've had a rough week and you're looking for someone to bail you out, you're there because there's an ongoing pattern of behaviour and problems that you've identified and you need their support to sort out what causes it and what can be done to help your DS to function in an environment that most kids don't find this challenging.

whatever the cause, the school needs to have a better plan than ruining your earning prospects and sending him home continually.

Might be worth posting on the Special Needs boards on here. They’re very clued up when it comes to illegal exclusions.

Op the SEN boards here are really great - there are lots of helpful people.

Go to the GP
Do not feel guilty for saying ‘no’ when school can’t deal with him. They want you to pick him up ok but - that’s an official exclusion or nothing. They don’t want to do that - it looks bad.

1-2-1 for good behaviour? That’s totally batshit. If you want a way out of this you may need to stop the punishment and consequences- and work on rewards. Consequences work for kids who understand them, and are neurotypical. A distressed child needs something different and it may need referring to CAMHS. School can do this but so can GP.
Rewarding good behaviour is what you need to do in the short term.

From a mum with a DS with ADHD diagnosed at 7 or 8

do a log & get to school to as well - note what triggers him - at school get them to check who is near him (even at his age you can get manipulators ie the dc who quietly annoy egg on vulnerable dc) is in specific subjects? is he having difficulty sitting still? what is his sleep like? eating habits? etc etc no detail is unimportant>

Well I have noticed a pattern that bad behaviour starts after lunchtime. I did say this but was dismissed. But I can almost now set my clock to when I'm called. Always around the 1pm mark.

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it. I'm going to sit down and write my own action plan.

Wonder if it's unstructured time that is a trigger for him then? I definitely found lunchtimes were a problem with DS. They can struggle with understanding the "rules" of playtime (an hour can be too long for them), and then again with the transition back to the classroom again.

Definitely approach your GP, possibly the school nurse too (if they still exist? Not sure but it was the school nurse who referred DS at his Reception Year "review"), and speak to SENCO about getting other agencies in to help.

Just to add, check with your local CAMHS if you can self refer - I know my local office does this. Also check the school website for their AEN policy as even without a diagnosis/EHCP he would still fall under AEN due to behaviour. Are school following their own policy?

Calling you at 1pm means he will be marked as present for afternoon school and so won't affect their absence statistics.
It may also indicate problems coping with lunchtimes.

Update. Whilst I was not called by school today, I was called by after school club as he lasted 20 minutes there before losing it. So think he's excluded from after school club now!

I have had no information from the school today as to how he was despite me writing a message in his book. I'm so frustrated. I know that if he was on even keel at school then everything would be better. Need to really get my point across tomorrow at the SENCO meeting.

You need to push for an Educational Psychologist review via the SENCO if they've not already done one. The school need to take responsibility for not being able to manage him, not put it all on you, and then if strategies recommended by the Ed Psych don't work, you can push for an assessment. IME your GP won't do anything but tell you to get intervention via school.

My DS was very similar at that age, he loved the social aspect but found school boring. School broke me down into accepting it was bad behaviour when in the end he was diagnosed with severe learning difficulties at 11 because it took that long for school to agree to refer him to the School Nurse for assessment (they didn't follow Ed Psych recommendations but still threatened exclusion). DS is very bright as well, he doesn't present as someone with SLD's with attention deficit but all that time wasted before finding out what the problem was led to him completely disengaging with formal learning.

Can you get someone from your local SEND service to advise and attend a meeting with the SENCO with you?

Obviously not for a meeting tomorrow though. Can you delay until you can contact them? IME it's very difficult to get your point across without support when you feel blamed and shamed already!

After school care provided by schools can’t be discriminatory for any disability- physical or mental.

I had to argue this with the head when they could not deal with DS in after school club. They tightened up the running of it after that. Thing is - extra curricular or leisure time is often the most challenging for a non neurotypical child - especially unstructured. But also that’s precisely why they need ‘safe’ unstructured time to learn about it. After school clubs are part of this.

I really would recommend chatting to the wise women on the SEN boards here- they know the law.

Yes again, you need to be more cross that another thing you are entitled to (asc) has failed to cope with your ds and settle him adequately.

It really sounds to me as though you need to take someone to back you up, this is not your fault and they are supposed to be helping you and your ds and not putting it on you.

He is excluded from the after school club. It's a privately run club. I'm fucked. Meeting today was ok but they threatened exclusion from school. Here comes homelessness.