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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD (4!!) and her boyfriend

41 replies

Snappymcsnappy · 19/11/2018 19:30

Quite prepared to be told I am being silly, over sensitive, precious etc etc but how would you feel about this?

My DD (4) has a little boyfriend at school who says he loves her.
Very cute.
He fed her a smartie chocolate and declared his love for her in front of my husband ‘this is my girlfriend and I love her’
Still very cute.
Apparently they cuddle a lot.
Still think this is very cute.

Now, here is where I start to feel a little uncomfortable..
she told me tonight that her boyfriend, remember they are four, likes to kiss her and she likes to kiss him back.
Slowly.
She made a point of telling me they kiss slowly not fast and they tilt their heads.
She said it is inappropriate to tilt their heads because this is how grown ups do it but she does it anyway.

Apparently this happens in the classroom and the teacher doesn’t know?

I just feel a bit uncomfortable.
Like it goes beyond ‘normal’ 4 year old behaviour?
I know it’s not abusive or anything but I am just a bit worried about what exactly the other little boy is seeing to behave like this as it seems very ‘mature’?

I don’t know whether to discuss it with the teacher or see how it progresses?

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 19/11/2018 19:34

I hate that kind of talk. Don’t find it cute at all so we’re different for sure. Maybe that will influence me. I’d speak to the teacher. I’m surprised you think it’s all the boys fault though? Sounds like it’s both of them acting ‘grown up’

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2018 19:34

It's totally normal although it shouldn't be encouraged. I'd have a quick word with the teacher just so they're aware and can keep an eye out. Sweet little things! Young love is something else!

HoleyCoMoley · 19/11/2018 19:35

I would speak to the teacher about this who can out a stop to it.

EightWellies · 19/11/2018 19:36

That gives me the ick. It all sounds very consensual, but they're 4 not 14. I would speak to the teacher. I agree with PP though, there's nothing in your post to give any indication that the little boy is leading this.

ghostsandghoulies · 19/11/2018 19:37

Couples kiss slowly with a head tilt in Disney movies.

I would mention to the teacher about the kissing in class though.

DD (4!!) and her boyfriend
Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 19/11/2018 19:37

I don’t think it’s ‘all the boys fault’ but it is him feeding her smarties and declaring her is girlfriend and instigating kisses...

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 19/11/2018 19:37

I would definitely be speaking to the teacher as soon as possible. As you say the first bit sounded cute, but slow kissing, just no!! It could all be completely harmless but then again maybe the little boy is witnessing behaviour at home that isn’t appropriate, or maybe he’s being allowed to watch age inappropriate films. Who knows what he may try next - a bit of heavy petting?

Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 19/11/2018 19:38

Though she is of course happy to play along!

OP posts:
rumidumi · 19/11/2018 19:38

I had a boyfriend as a child (approx 5.) And he looked at a book in the library about kissing and he showed me how to do it (proper snogging!) Looking back now, we were too young. But it was totally innocent! We are now full grown adults and he certainly wasn't subjected to anything bad. His mum was a single mum too.

TeaForTiger · 19/11/2018 19:40

I'd ask her what a boyfriend is. Get her to explain it to you. What's the difference between a 'boyfriend' and a friend?

I'd also say that we only kiss family and definitely no kissing at school.

I wouldn't be entertaining this nonsense and can't stand it when parents of young children play along with boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

They're friends, that's it.

Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 19/11/2018 19:40

Good point ghost and that is exactly my worry cant wait to retire

OP posts:
TwoGinScentedTears · 19/11/2018 19:40

At my dcs school they're told they're too young for being boyfriend and girlfriend-they have a stance on it because it's a fairly regular thing among small kids by all accounts.

The teacher should help nip this on the bud, but I would be saying to your daughter that they're too young for all that. Boys and girls are simply friends at their age.

Isadora2007 · 19/11/2018 19:42

It’s ridiculous to even encourage any form of boyfriend and girlfriend as this is sexualising young children and it’s harmful in my opinion. It’s harmful to the notion that girls and boys can be friends and not have their sex enter into the scope of their young lives. The second any of that nonsense starts I would be very matter of fact and say boyfriends and girlfriends are not for young children. End of. I’m so glad our primary school has a similar attitude and all talk of this is banned.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 19/11/2018 19:42

Maybe he see’s parents kiss? We kiss in front of our kids.

My daughter is 4 and has about 4 boyfriends atm, one who is 7 Grin

Sparklingbrook · 19/11/2018 19:42

Yes I would just tell her that there should be no kissing at school, and let the teachers know, because it's happening in class.

Did she really use the word 'inappropriate'?

Dandybelle · 19/11/2018 19:46

My DD who is also 4 came home last week and told me her and a boy in her class were in true love, but she was quick to tell me that they absolutely do not kiss because that's disgusting and your only allowed to do that when your married.

She's asked for a wedding dress for Christmas. I shall worry after that.

Have a word with the teacher, I'm sure they will have been through this before many times and will know how to approach it and to keep an eye on it.

MrsStrowman · 19/11/2018 19:47

I declared at five that I was going to marry a boy in my class (we're still friends, married, to other people), because he was going to drive a yellow car and be a police man when he grew up. There was no snogging at that age! We'd just had a conversation and decided it sensible to get married. I do remember a game of spin the bottle in year six in someone's tree house, but even that was 'put your arm around X for three minutes' or very closed lip kisses.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 19/11/2018 19:52

I also don’t think the boyfriend / girlfriend thing is cute. It’s a bit... off to me.

My dd is nearly four and has a male friend who she “loves”, but they are “best friends forever”. If she said he was her boyfriend I’d correct her.

AamdC · 19/11/2018 19:56

I remember being in receptiinnandca boy telling me he loved me and was going to buy me a diamond ring no.kissing though .

lovetherisingsun · 19/11/2018 20:04

Err...I'd be narked if this was one of my daughters. I'd also be narked if my son was going around slow kissing girls. I can't see how it;s appropriate at all.

Original poster
Snappymcsnappy · 19/11/2018 20:07

No, I don’t think the kissing is appropriate either.
Although it seems innocent it is a step too much for me.

My DH thinks it is completely innocent and unless it escalates more he doesn’t see any need to worry but I am uncomfortable.

I do think I should mention it to the teachers.

OP posts:
ghostsandghoulies · 19/11/2018 20:07

My dd told me in Reception and Y1, the teachers had to have a no kissing at school chat on more than one occasion. I would tell your dd that it's a school rule that you can't kiss kids who you aren't related to at school.

Why do you find it cute?

AnnaMagnani · 19/11/2018 20:07

I had a boyfriend in nursery and then another in reception. It was true love I tell you! I can still remember his name. We spent over a year holding hands round school, kissing, going to each others houses and generally mortifying his older sister. He was lovely and his parents were loaded and had a house with a swimming pool and a tennis court

Apparently our parents thought it was hilarious and just let us carry on.

I had another boyfriend age 7 which was similarly the romance of the century.

Sadly my choices post-puberty were not as good and the boyfriends were fucking awful. Wish I knew what my early loves were doing now.

cariadlet · 19/11/2018 20:11

Nothing unusual about having a boyfriend/girlfriend at that age. Lots of children do and usually declare that they are going to marry each other when they grow up.
My dd had a "boyfriend" in Foundation and wrote a very detailed wedding plan in Year 1! Don't know where that came from - definitely not from me as dp and I aren't married.

The slow kissing does seem a bit more unusual. From what I've seen (as a mum and as a teacher) the kissing is generally either non-existent or a quick peck.

Hopefully it's just from watching Disney movies etc, but I'd tell your dd that those kinds of kisses are for grown ups and also let her teacher know what's going on so she can try and nip it in the bud.

busybarbara · 19/11/2018 20:11

I think anyone who sees this innocent behaviour from 4 year olds as dirty or wrong is a bit of a perv Confused. But if you wanna make them feel bad fill your boots

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