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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move DD at the end of year 2 because of friend issues

51 replies

Oopupsideyourhead · 19/11/2018 18:35

My DD who is 6 has had loads of friend issues in school- when she started in reception, a lot of the kids had gone to nursery together & were in groups. I thought it would even out but it never has- she’s just not really found her feet despite me trying play dates etc. They rarely get reciprocated. I have talked to the teacher & she hasn’t seen many issues in school but DD is regularly upset, feels left out & a bit sad.
She started brownies recently which was my attempt to widen her circle but it’s early days there.
It’s a small 2 form entry school so I don’t feel like it’s going to change- it’s like everyone is stuck in groups & the parents in cliques & she can’t seem to break in.
I have thought about moving her for a fresh start at the end of this year - I just feel like her school life will be stuck in these groups. She gets invited to parties but not play dates & I feel like I have tried everything.
Aibu?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 19/11/2018 18:38

I'm in exactly the same position op...I could have written every part of your post. No advice I'm afraid. It's really hard isn't it?

SovietKitsch · 19/11/2018 18:38

Yes YABU - to wait until the end of the year. If she’s unhappy, move her now. Have a look,
Find a school you like with a place and get her moved!

chocolatecoveredraisons · 19/11/2018 18:39

You say it's a small 2 form entry- do they mix the year groups. Is it infant and junior school together?

chocolatecoveredraisons · 19/11/2018 18:41

Or 2 classes for each year group. I wouldn't class that as small. That's a lot of kids!

If you feel it's impacting your DD and know another school you like then you can always give it a go, but she may find the same issues there. She may not but it's a risk. Also how supportive are the school? Will you miss it if you leave?

ManicGirl · 19/11/2018 18:47

I'm not sure wjat I'd do in your position as it's so important for your DD to feel happy. However I just wanted to say that my DD always had 2 close friends from Reception. She's started in Year 4 now and has changed one of her friends and made friends with 3 new girls. This was all very amicable and both girls just obviously felt they'd rather be hanging out with different girls in the class.
So friendships will change and your DD may find that others want to get to know her a bit better.

3WildOnes · 19/11/2018 19:05

Could you find out what clubs any of the girls she likes go to and then send her to them too? It might help her strengthen any friendships she does have. Are you friendly with any of the mums? I would try really hard to help her grow her friendships for the rest of the school year and if that doesn’t work then move her for year three if she is still unhappy.

Whereisthegin1978 · 19/11/2018 19:07

Move her. I was in your position in year 2 and made decision not to move as we were happy with the school itself. I thought it would get better for her. Year 6 now and she has never found her feet with this class - I regret not moving her.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2018 19:09

Op, what do you think will happen when you move her? It's going to be even harder, the kids will be older, they will have been friends for longer. So it will be harder to break in.

Does she have any friends in her class? Moving isn't the answer. Because it is likely to be even tougher at thr next one where she is the new kid.

user1484424013 · 19/11/2018 23:20

I moved both of mine in June with only 6 weeks of a term left. Best thing we have ever bloody done worth the commute to see smiling and no anxiety from being in the nastiest school on this earth....

Original poster

Oopupsideyourhead · 20/11/2018 05:47

Thanks for all your replies- I really don’t know what to do for the best. It wouldn’t be until the end of the summer term & we would move out of the area if we did move.

It’s affecting my daughters self esteem- she thinks people don’t like her & she is very unhappy. I am going to discuss with the teacher again at parents evening to see if she can help in class in terms of encouraging other friendships.

OP posts:

Yura · 20/11/2018 06:00

Do you have any schools near that fet new kids from an infants ot school? i yes, moving start of year 3 might make sense.

Monty27 · 20/11/2018 06:10

See the head teacher and governors. If there's no answer or improvements move her and document it. Something is wrong somewhere.

Sleephead1 · 20/11/2018 06:25

it sounds very hard some ideas I would maybe try before moving has your daughter only been trying to make friends with the girls ? has she tried with any of the boys in her class ? have you tried to make friends with any mums ? is there any mum you feel comfortable with that you could confide in and see if she could help ? Do any of the class do a outside activity if you could find out say one does gymnastics and then go to same class then they could bond outside of school. I would keep going with play dates but also ask the to meet up with mum and child as of you get to know the mum I think it helps. I do think a move could be a fresh start but it may also be hard as she will still be trying to break into a established group. Our situation is different but we did one term at the school nursery this year before my little boy started in September for reception. All the parents were lovley and very friendly and inclusive but I also just put myself out there and asked some of them to meet up with children and we did meet up and have a lovley time. I just talk to everyone I can I've met a couple of mums for coffee during school hours. i do think it helps if the parents are encouraging the children to mix with the new child I overheard one saying are you helping ( my child's name) ate you showing him the best toys. He also got invited to 3 party's even though he was brand new so you may find at another school the children and parents are friendlier

RoseMartha · 20/11/2018 06:31

Move her. Lots of primary children move schools for that sort of reason.

Biologifemini · 20/11/2018 06:36

Sounds awful.

Can you ask to switch classes at least?
With our school there just aren’t many play dates because there is so much extracurricular stuff so it was the same for everyone. Sorry not much help.

bandito · 20/11/2018 06:38

I think that at the age of 6 she is largely reliant on your contacts OP. I wonder if you are having difficulty 'breaking in' to the social groups in the school (or are working so it's not viable). If it's the first, perhaps parents-teachers association, or volunteering or just making a real effort to talk to other mums at the gate or get involved in after school clubs. If it's the second, perhaps one day after school get a childminder who takes other kids from the school to have her for an hour after school, just so she starts being involved in other children's everyday lives. Sometimes it can take a while and these are just some ideas. Have you had a birthday party and invited everyone in the class? That can help.

Original poster

Oopupsideyourhead · 20/11/2018 06:50

I know the school really well- I have lots of contacts as have an elder child at the school. I know some of the parents in the year 2 group aswell- we do play dates & she does other activities too- dance & swimming. She’s just really unhappy there & has been for the last 18 months and just doesn’t seem to be able to break into the long standing groups. It could be the same at a new school but my older child never had these issues. It just seems that it’s a particularly cliquey year- I know that happens as have spoken to a friend with older kids at the school & she had some good years but one of her kids had a similar experience.

OP posts:

rumidumi · 20/11/2018 06:57

I'd have no reservations doing this. I feel sorry for your dd and for you. It must be hard to see your dd upset.
2 class entry is quite small in my opinion. All our local schools are 4 class entry and are still oversubscribed!

MrsLandingham · 20/11/2018 06:58

My family moved to a small village over the summer before DD went into Y1. It was the kind of place where everyone had one of two surnames and the parents had all gone to primary school together. I tried really, really hard to build a social life for her, but they just weren't interested. I actually developed quite bad anxiety about ringing other mums up to arrange playdates, and the nadir came when one declined and rudely explained that they were having friends over for a BBQ. (No 'would you like to join us', just the very clear message that I wasn't a friend ).

We were reluctant to move DD again, as it would have meant three different schools from reception to Y3 but in the end we did. She started at the third school at the beginning of Y3, and the social situation immediately improved. She also stayed there (indy school) until she left to go to university!

Alwaysadramaaa · 20/11/2018 07:00

Iv just moved my yr 1 son due to moving house. He struggled to settle at first but after a few breakfast club sessions he seemed better as there was a smaller group of his peers there & he found it easier to break in the group that way. Do the school offer this or any after school clubs she could go to?

Believeitornot · 20/11/2018 07:00

What exactly is she saying? I would be wary of moving with being 100% sure.

Take a step back and think about why there might be issues, are you projecting (how was school for you?), and have a meeting with the teacher separately to discuss.

I don’t invite many kids over for play dates because it’s a faff. My dc is in year 2 and one parent came up to me, saying her child was unhappy because my child didn’t want to play with them anymore and why didn’t we do play dates. She’s blown it out of proportion- we didn’t do them since September as we had no evenings free!!! My dc did like them.

Parents stil engineer a lot of friendships at this age which I find a nightmare.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/11/2018 07:01

Some things to think about OP

What will you do if your DD has the same issues at a new school?
Play dates may be less likely to happen if you don't live in the same area as classmates, less opportunity to join after school activities with classmates.
What about moving to secondary school? What are the chances of her going to a school with any of her friends? Will she become the "outsider" again?

If you think about all of the negatives then you can work out if the positives outweigh them.

Oblomov18 · 20/11/2018 07:12

I am ONLY basing this my school: I have 2 ds's.
Ds1 was ok through primary. Did have a few friends.
Found himself totally when he moved to the secondary. Such a nice group of lads.
Ds2 has had the same friends since day 1.

I think girls are more difficult than boys. I think girls are nastier. Mums constantly complain to me about the bitching, nastiness and cliques going on.

But. Surely, amongst 60 children, approx 30 girls? She would have gravitated towards one friend by now? See, I can't help but feel that there's something else going on here, that I can't quite put my finger on.
Unless you can get to the core issue, or are categorically sure that this school is the real issue. How will moving her help?

AtSea1979 · 20/11/2018 07:16

I went through this with my DD. I eventually moved her towards the end of year 4 having thought about it since year 2. With hindsight I wish I had moved her much earlier, she’s so much happier. They still have falling outs and she still doesn’t get invited to parties etc but she is so much happier.

anniehm · 20/11/2018 07:48

Make enquiries about moving her now, unless there's a stand alone junior school in which case you can apply for entry in year 3, but the deadline will be now. Look at the turnover of students - if it's too stable you could have the same issue again, whereas a school which has new children more frequently tends to be friendlier to newcomers. Our dc's primary was right by the university so pupils frequently arrived and departed from all over the world

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