To wish people wouldn't ask if I'm pregnant

[Petitprince]

I'm not, I'm just fat! We are also struggling with fertility so it really gets me down.

Since I had my dc through ivf we have been trying naturally while we save up for more treatment. We've had a few times where we hoped it had worked, only to be disappointed.

I'm out of shape, I know that. My tummy never fully went back. I'm trying to change this, but it's the last place I lose weight from.

Unless I wear uncomfortable spanx or similar every day, I'd estimate I get a comment or so a week about it. I hate it.

I can wear spanx when I go out out but this will be in Tesco or at the park with my dc.

Sometimes I have to go along with it as it's less embarrassing, but then I cry all the way home.

Aibu to want to be comfortable without being asked when my baby is due?

who is asking?! im very fat and never been asked if im pregnant.

It must be my shape. I used to be much fatter and never got asked.

I'm usually asked by strangers, or occasionally acquaintances I've not seen in a while.

Or is it my clothes maybe?

Op when they ask, just look back at them and reply I'm not pregnant...you shouldn't have to pretend you are, or feel embarrassed/ashamed of your appearance...people should think before they make comments like that even though I'm sure they meant no harm when they asked...,

Hi op, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this, there really are some thoughtless people out there :-( my friend had this and a man actually offered his seat on the train, she was so mortified she took it and said nothing, it sounds like it happens a lot. I know personally I would NEVER ask if someone is pregnant as you never know if someone has had problems and could cause lots of upset and offence. One of my neighbours assumed I was then spread it around the neighbourhood so had people congratulating me

It’s so rude and so thoughtless. Maybe when you are feeling a bit stronger you could reply with “actually I’m not” and watch them squirm.. or if they are really rude reply with “I’m not... did you mean to be so rude?” It might make them think twice that it’s not acceptable to ask such personal questions

I don't think people should ever ask if someone is pregnant unless it's an extremely obvious like 7 month bump and you're waddling along.

However, I know a few other mums who have struggled with belly weight and I think they could help the situation a bit by dressing differently. When you haven't had a big tummy before and you're self conscious about it, it's tempting to wear something really loose but that just looks more like a maternity dress. If you go for something a bit more fitted, maybe with a belt around your waist, people would be less likely to make that assumption. Not that they should be making assumptions anyway.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. My youngest is two and I still look pregnant. Can’t imagibe how awful it must feel when you want to be pregnant though. I wish you luck with ttc

Poor thing...no advice I'm afraid but it has happened to me too! And I'm healthy weight 😥

Start owning your response. Start saying No and it's rude to ask! Or No and I'm going through fertility treatment so fuck off! Own your response you'll stop crying about it. They're rude fuckers. People only ever said to me about being pregnant when I was 38 weeks+ even then they were quite polite about it just in case I wasn't pregnant!

They'll make a joke because I have a toddler, about how my hands will be full when the baby is born, then ask when I'm due. If I'm feeling brave I'll say we're hoping to get pregnant soon, but if I'll never see them again I just lie and run away.

I’m slim but because of gynae issues have a “bump”. It’s horrible being asked. People are really insensitive to do so.

I do my best teacher glare with “you know that’s a very upsetting question to ask to the wrong person”. Usually reduces the questioner to embarrassed looking down mumbling and hopefully makes them think twice about doing it again.

Clothes and bloating? I'm size 10 and asked surprisingly frequently. I went along with it and took the seat offered quite a few times... Fuck em. People can be twats. I've decided that unless I'm doing something that diectly impacts on someone's life, I don't care what their opinions are. I recommend it, makes life much easier.

Rude and inconsiderate people! Try to rise above and don't dignify their stupidity with an answer.

I've been much heavier than I was prior to this pregnancy, but about a year ago a colleague I don't see that often asked me in front of about half a dozen others when I was due, I was a size ten at the time and she is easily a 22-24. I said, I'm not it's just bad posture and a big lunch (I wanted to add what's your excuse, but I refrained). Call them out, sometimes people are just bitchy.
This was just before I came off the pill having been diagnosed with fertility issues so I felt awful, but no way was she getting away with that.

I'm slim but have a belly and have been asked a few times. Once when I said no, the woman said, head tilt "Are you SURE?" I laughed it off because she was old a friend of MIL's and I didn't want to make a scene, but I cried all the way home.
If people offer a seat on the train I either take it or say "Oh thanks! But I don't mind standing for a bit" because I know their intention was to be kind to an (apparently) pregnant woman, and I don't want to put them off offering to an actual pregnant woman in the future.
People who just ask you outright aren't doing so with kind intentions; they're being nosy / rude. When I'm asked these days I say "No, but you want to be careful asking those sorts of questions. Some people find them really upsetting." I (feel like I) keep my dignity intact by not breaking down in front of them, but I've still let them know it's not an appropriate question.
How people get beyond the age of about 12 without realising it's incredibly rude to ask is beyond me

I'm slim apart from my tummy and I get asked this a lot (including between dc when I had had recurrent miscarriages, which was obviously not ideal). Being (very) flat-chested prob also accentuates it. I suspect I may have diastasis recti so hoping to get it sorted out.

It's not malicious. People just don't think and associate 'tummy' with 'pregnancy', esp as we are pushed the line that a completely flat stomach is the norm.

I feel your pain OP I'm slim but have a belly and have been asked a few times. Once when I said no, the woman said, head tilt "Are you SURE?" I laughed it off because she was old a friend of MIL's and I didn't want to make a scene, but I cried all the way home.
If people offer a seat on the train I either take it or say "Oh thanks! But I don't mind standing for a bit" because I know their intention was to be kind, and I don't want to put them off offering to an actual pregnant woman in the future.
People who just ask you outright aren't doing so with kind intentions; they're being nosy / rude. When I'm asked these days I say "No, but you want to be careful asking those sorts of questions. Some people find them really upsetting." I (feel like I) keep my dignity intact by not breaking down in front of them, but I've still let them know it's not an appropriate question.
How people get beyond the age of about 12 without realising it's incredibly rude to ask is beyond me

Had this a few years ago. I lost 2 stone and a receptionist said to me "Oh, Mrs Tofu. You've had your baby"

LOL

I was congratulated on my pregnancy a couple of years after my youngest was born. I just so "no, it's just fat", and she was so embarrassed! But she wasn't meaning to be rude, just happy for me, so I don't hold it against her. But if you're trying to conceive, that makes it a whole lot more upsetting.

Unfortunately in real life people don't uniformly have the perfect social skills that are expected on MN, so every so often someone will say something upsetting to you. It doesn't mean to say they are nasty people for doing so. There's a fair chance that you yourself will have upset someone quite unintentionally and unknowingly yourself.

Can you try and turn the sadness and embarrassment into anger? Perhaps it will help you challenge the rude nosy parkers when they ask rather than cry all the way home.

I really don’t think anyone is trying to upset you or be mean so the responses on here about being rude back are a bit odd tbh.

I think it’s probably more your shape than being fat. Have you looked into it at the doctors, is it a bloated feeling? Maybe you have an intolerance or something medical going on.

I’m so sorry you’re being upset and offended 💐

I don't think people should ever ask if someone is pregnant unless it's an extremely obvious like 7 month bump and you're waddling along.

But then you don't need to!

A good rule is, if it's unclear, don't ask! If it is clear, you don't need to ask!

Do you still wear maternity clothes OP? Whenever I have done, I've been asked. It's just the shape they give you if you've got a mum tum. They are comfy though.....

People who just ask you outright aren't doing so with kind intentions; they're being nosy / rude. I think they're usually doing it because it's nice to have good news in the day, they're happy for you. Regardless, it's easier to take if you regard the intention as good. "I'm upset by that comment but they meant well" is easier to get over than "They didn't care that they hurt me" or "they intended to hurt me".

You have my sympathies.

I suffered from bad fibroids which caused my stomach to swell. As I was quite slim everywhere else people assumed I was pregnant. I couldn't believe the amount of people I barely knew who asked when I was due. It used to absolutely ruin my day. It's also thought me to never ever assume that anyone is pregnant.

'Taught me'.