To wish people wouldn't ask if I'm pregnant

[Petitprince]

I'm not, I'm just fat! We are also struggling with fertility so it really gets me down.

Since I had my dc through ivf we have been trying naturally while we save up for more treatment. We've had a few times where we hoped it had worked, only to be disappointed.

I'm out of shape, I know that. My tummy never fully went back. I'm trying to change this, but it's the last place I lose weight from.

Unless I wear uncomfortable spanx or similar every day, I'd estimate I get a comment or so a week about it. I hate it.

I can wear spanx when I go out out but this will be in Tesco or at the park with my dc.

Sometimes I have to go along with it as it's less embarrassing, but then I cry all the way home.

Aibu to want to be comfortable without being asked when my baby is due?

Wearing a belt around your waist does work, I think. I once interviewed a woman who actually was full-term pregnant, but she had belted a shirt right across her middle, which is such an uncommon look for pregnant women that I assumed she was just built that way until she mentioned the baby. Obviously you may not always want to do that, but I think there are ways of dressing which can be used to emphasise "not pregnant".

Even if someone looks 7 months pregnant people should't really ask - one woman I know said she commented on someone's pregnancy and it turned out they had a cyst that needed an operation. She said after that she was never making the assumption ever again! And I don't either because it must hurt so much if you are wrong.

It's tricky with the giving up seats though because people should give up their seats, and not all pregnant woman are going to ask, so you kind of have to forgive someone who does that, as they're just trying to be kind.

On a more practical note OP have you tried something that's not as restrictive as spanx, but holds you in a bit? i wear light control shorts every day, because as well as a bit of a perimenopausal belly, I have a C-section "shelf" that is uncomfortable otherwise, and the shorts smooth it down. They're quite cheap at supermarkets, and might help.

OP did pregnancy cause your stomach muscles to separate (divarication)? mine have and my actual stomach pokes out between them and I look 6-7 months pregnant if im not consciously holding it in. The GP said no amount of exercise will fix it and I need surgery....they will also cut my (considerable) flappy apron off and give me a tummy tuck at the same time but i'm too lazy to lose the 3 stone to get it done.

I get this during my period bloating — stomach often sticks out. I’ve now taken to using it to my advantage to get seats on public transport. Can’t be asked any more.

I get this a lot. Can't even get upset about it anymore, I'm inured to it. My belief is that people are rarely downright nasty, they're just thoughtless. Why on earth they feel the need to mention it, though, i have no idea. I actually resorted to getting a tshirt that said "Not pregnant, just fat" but then I wasn't hoping to get pregnant, I can't imagine how upsetting it must be, OP.

I really don’t think anyone is trying to upset you or be mean so the responses on here about being rude back are a bit odd tbh.

Whether they’re trying to be upsetting or not, they are. They should know that asking often upsets people.

I think it's rude to ask. As has been said, if you're not sure, don't ask - if it's obvious, you don't need to.

I used to work with a woman who had terminal stomach cancer, which caused massive swelling, and chemo had left her infertile. Barely a day went by without someone (usually clients of the company) asking her when the baby was due.

I carry weight on my belly. The "pregnant" vibe is compounded by my "please offer me a seat badge" for my hypermobility. Now, I usually smile, thank and explain it's for my leg issues if people ask baby questions when I'm badge wearing. People who quietly congratulate DP and then he has to explain are my favourites!

If I'm not wearing it, or pre badge days, I'd just say "no, I'm just fat". Usually shut people up! I will never forgive the first lady who asked though. I was stood behind a till, in a tunic dress and she couldn't see me below the waist. I have huge boobs and she asked - in front of a packed shop- if I was expecting a baby. I have never felt more judged on my body, just thankful no one's tried to pay my bump yet. If they do I will say it's my unborn twin or a scary Tumor with teeth.

Do you have diastasis recti? I had this and it's spectacularly under-diagnosed here. I had to research it myself then physio was like 'oh, right, you do.'

There are tons of specific home-based exercises you can do to make it better, even ten-fifteen mins a day on a mat on the floor. Doing the exercises specifically helps the tummy flatten (if it is caused by this! basically the muscles in your tummy separating when you're pregnant then never going back, leaving a very 'pregnant' look whether you're slim or larger.)

youtube will help. or there's a fab programme called mutu mamas which is about £60 for the whole thing (which is a lot, granted, but it's a one-off cost unlike exercise classes and I still use exercises from it three years on).

Ooh rudolph i'm quite jealous mine was never quite enough for nhs surgery and since i don't have the £20k required to do it privately...! Also recommend mutu mama to you too, it will help a bit (they don't pay me to say this sadly)

I'm slim apart from my tummy and I get asked this a lot (including between dc when I had had recurrent miscarriages, which was obviously not ideal). Being (very) flat-chested prob also accentuates it. I suspect I may have diastasis recti so hoping to get it sorted out.

Yep this is me too. I'm size 8-10 and yet have been asked a few times. I think because I'm otherwise small build, people think sticking out tummy = pregnant. A lovely friend asked me a while back and I said haha no. I think she felt worse than I did!!

So many people feel duty-bound to comment on women's body shapes, don't they? Like others, I have a gynae issue that means that while I have a womb I'll never have a flat abdomen. Countless times I've become fine with it, and then it's just taken one question from a nosy, rude stranger to crush me again.

The upset comes from not being allowed to just "be" and simply walk around in public without someone deciding it's acceptable to examine my shape and then inform me of the category they've put me in.

I am fat and I look very pregnant as my tummy never shrunk after twins. But no-one has ever asked me if I was pregnant. It might be what you are wearing.

@trippingalongalong Dont be jealous, it took 4 kids to get my flappy belly and I have to loose the 3 stone to get it done. My youngest is ten.....I cant see it happening!

Following emergency surgery to my small intestine (it was about to explode and kill me) - I discovered that they inflate your abdomen to better navigate during surgery. I looked 8 months pregnant, and walked like it too (the wound was obviously sore).

Told the couple of people who asked when I was due in horrifying detail about the removal and butchering of my intestines. Muhaha.

I do feel bad for your struggles though OP. Best wishes for your future fertility.

My rule is "Never ever ask if a woman is pregnant unless she has a baby actually emerging from her. in which case, you don't need to ask. So basically, never ask."

Thanks so much. I don't think people mean to be unkind, they are just making conversation.

May be I do look 7 months pregnant, I don't know.

I had a c section and have a big shelf and yes my muscles separated. I doubt my doctor would be interested though.

If I'm wearing jeans it doesn't happen, but they really cut in and I'm more comfortable in softer fabrics. I just want to walk around with my belly flopping around in peace!

I doubt if anyone is just asking. Probably more likely saying something like ‘when is it due’ thinking they’re being friendly maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone about anything cos it’s not worth the offence that can be caused. Not very nice way to live but definitely easier.