AIBU to want DH to stay home? Perspective please

[wiccamum]

Bit of a long one, but I need a fresh pair of eyes on this, as don’t know if I am BU or not.
A few weeks ago DH volunteers us to take care of DMiLs and SiLs dogs (one each) while they go away for a weekend. We have two dogs, so for one weekend we will have four. No problem as they all get on and we love our dogs.
I have sadly had a family bereavement, sudden and in unclear circumstances. It has left me devastated and I am struggling to get my head around it. DH has been a rock, so I can’t complain. Now I find out the funeral is the same day as our dog sitting stint begins. Not a problem as I will only be away for one day...but will be bringing my “D” mother back for a few days to stay with us after the funeral. I have mentioned mother before. She’s bloody hard work and we’ve had our differences in the past...let’s just say the Stately Homes thread is my friend!!
Now here’s the AIBU bit. DH tells me that he now wants to meet up with some old friends for a Xmas get together...on that weekend! He doesn’t see these friends very often and I NEVER dictate when he can socialise, I’m not like that. I really don’t want to stop him going but i asked him to try to find another date. He says he can’t, it’s the only time they are all free.
If he goes then he goes, I don’t feel I can stop him. But it will leave me with wailing DM (with her post funeral dramatics), four dogs and dd to look after and no help. Am I BU to ask him to change the date? Or do I just suck it up?

No you’re not being unreasonable to ask him to change the date. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him not to go actually

I don't think YABU at all!
He volunteered you.
The dogs belong to his side of the family.
You are struggling.

Could he just join his mates for a day/evening as a compromise?
Could he arrange for his family dogs to go into kennels?

I’d ask him to change the date. However my husband wouldn’t put me in that position. My welfare comes before socialising!

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. Sorry for your loss.

He’s BU and selfish. Tell him that if he goes out then the dogs have to stay elsewhere. You’re not superwoman; you can’t do everything. Look after yourself.

Tell him that if he goes out then the dogs have to stay elsewhere.

That seems reasonable.

Would that help you OP?

And I’m sorry for your loss

I think YABU sorry.

The only difference to what was planned is your Mother being there. She’s your Mother so I don’t see why he shouldn’t enjoy some time out.

How long would be be away? If it’s the whole weekend then regardless of your DM staying he’s unreasonable to take on the dog responsibility and then hand it over to you.

Sorry for your loss. I think in this case hubby has to change the date or say no

Thanks everyone. Even writing this post I feel tears coming again. This death has really thrown me, and I’m supposed to be sitting an exam at Uni tonight!! I have asked him to change the date, I hate being one of those people that never lets their partners go out, but why does it all have to fall on the same bloody weekend!!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

How old is your DD? Ie helpful or not?

I think I would tell MIL and SIL that you can no longer have the dogs. They will understand and find alternative arrangements surely?

Good luck with your mum. Be kind to yourself.

he can change the date and if not he's the selfish twunt,the timing is good though, a whinging dramatic mil staying, at least he gets time away from her and possibly a hangover so he can't possibly socialise with her or help with the dogs.

The only difference here though is your mother. Is he trying to avoid her maybe?

He shouldn’t have offered it as a weekend when he was free.

The date doesn’t work because he cannot do it- he’s being selfish.

Would you be OK with him going if he finds someone else to look after the dogs? Or is it that you need moral support?

I agree. He needs to sack off the dog sitting or the friends.

YANBU at all.

Even if you hadn’t had the funeral, he’d be dumping you in the proverbial slightly anyway by expecting you to dog sit for his family while he goes out.

Given the situation, he should be there for you and you should be the priority, not having a jolly with his mates.

Sorry your mum is a nightmare for your loss

In the circumstances, I'd say he either doesn't go or your MIL and SIL make alternative arrangements for the dogs. Or both.

Yes to all comments about getting away from my mother! I’d do the same if I could 😆. I’ve talked to DH again, compromise on the horizon. He hasn’t told his friends about our circumstances. The moment he did it all changes and one mate insisted they rescheduled to the new year. I feel like a hopeless plum, I want to be able to manage all this but that damn mother of mine!
Why oh why do we feel so obliged to people who are toxic to us?!

Thanks again for perspective and kind words x

Hey... You have had a sudden bereavement. Don't beat yourself up about how you deal with your mum. One step at a time xxx

Those saying the only bit that’s changed is OPs mother being there.

Surely the only bit that’s changed is him going out?

I understand the timeline as:

I’ve told MIL & SIL we’ll dog sit
Untimely death
Funeral arrangements
Wailing ‘D’M coming
DH deciding to sod off for a jolly with his mates rather than support his grieving wife while she looks after her difficult mother and his families dogs.

Good solution, I think

YANBU at all, in those circumstances DH would be offering to come with me to the funeral let alone sodding off the day after leaving me with four dogs, DD and nightmare DM. At least his friends' reaction might make him see sense

Believeitornot
He shouldn’t have offered it as a weekend when he was free.

This. It’s no good him saying it’s the only date the others can do. He isn’t available that weekend.

I agree with pp. He isn't free that weekend as he has offered to dog sit. So it's not the only weekend everyone is free!