Who is being unreasonable here?

[mamaslave18]

Just had a row with my DH. I think he’s been a lazy git and he thinks I’m being moody.
We both work and commute. Him 5 days and me 4. Have two kids. We have a cleaner but I pretty much do everything else. I don’t think he has ever washed the kids clothes, or changed a bed.

Last week he did nursery drop off and collection 3 times and school run once. I did school run 4 times and one nursery run. The nursery is on his way to work. The school is not en route for either of us. Just to give an idea.
As well as school runs etc last week I also did our sons homework with him, got his PE kit ready on the right day, ensured he had correct school uniform washed etc, got everything ready for a school trip, bought groceries several times, got cash for the cleaner, tidied the house for the cleaner and got clean sheets out etc, took care of our pets, decided on all meals all week, bought and wrapped school child’s birthday gifts, all prep for birthday party. You get the jist.

DH was tasked with buying a balloon and birthday card. He couldn’t manage this as he had to collect both kids Friday night and didn’t plan his time properly. My train was delayed so I didn’t get back in time to take kids off him before the shop shut. He did get a card but for the entirely wrong age! I ended up traipsing around a local shopping centre at 7pm after a day at work to sort it. I then go back and make dinner as he is sulking because I got annoyed and called him useless.

Party day came. I got both kids ready, prepped party bags etc. He tidied up wrapping paper after being asked. Spent the day moaning about how tired he was. Then got the hump when I asked him that evening to put kids in the bath and order a pizza. Apparently it was easier for me to order it whilst cleaning up downstairs and moving toys around to make room for all of the new tat than it was for him to do it whilst sat next to the bath ( playing on his phone anyway!!).

This morning I was up with kids at 5am as he doesn’t hear them come into our room multiple times, and is unaware of the lights being switched on and off 🙄. He gets up at 9am. When asked to finish doing our sons homework with him he claims it’s vitally important he watches a show about Brexit first. He will do homework later. But we are out this afternoon. So what he means is he either won’t do it, or will attempt it at 6pm when said child is too tired and it will all go wrong.

I’ve ended up shouting and calling him lazy and telling him he needs to engage more. Do I sound unreasonable??? Apparently he isn’t going to listen to my made up version of reality.

Gosh sorry this is so long. It’s turned into a stream of consciousness 😳

Of course YANBU!

He does sound a bit lazy but calling him useless and lazy is unlikely to yield the behaviour you desire.

Sounds like a lazy shit like many are. Have similar issues here.

No YANBU, he's a fuckwit

Not always the mothers, as there are plenty of lazy ones too, but generally we just get it all done without thinking and know what needs to be done for when ... men seem to need prompting (well mine does) and even then it gets done wrong or forgotten and we get blamed anyway for not reminding them (and if you remind them, you're a nag). YANBU. I've always said to my DH that it must be nice to not have to think because someone is doing it for you ... thinking for everyone is exhausting in itself

I know calling him useless and lazy isn’t great. But I get so frustrated. He genuinely seems to believe that he “does loads”.

On Friday he was adamant that because he collected both kids ( despite leaving work early on purpose to do so) that it counteracted his not contributing to any of the Birthday organisation. I collected both on Thursday for him to go out. So it really didn’t make him the hero he seemed to believe.

With regards to homework. He has done it once since September. He didn’t supervise properly and so our child got half of it totally wrong. Child has to read every night. DH might supervise this once or twice. So in his mind he is fully engaged with it and I’m talking bullshit when I say he needs to get more involved.

I'd be tempted to go on strike for a week with anything that wouldn't directly impact the DCs (so cook for them. Make sure they have what they need for school and nursery.)

Completely look after one child each for a week and then talk

Yeah go on strike. It's the only way

He wouldn’t be bothered by me going on strike. He would be quite happy living in a mess and eating takeaways every night.

Says it all tbh. If he would be happy for his children to live like that then you have a bigger problem imo

Tit for tat, counting everything you do and comparing numbers, calling someone useless for something that couldn't be controlled, that's the best way to create stress which then leads to constant conflict and finally resentment.

We are all guilty of seing what we do and what others don't do. Could it be that he is the one working more on the garden, DIY etc... Also some jobs are much more stressful and tiring than others.

Not all couplé have to divide the same tasks 100% to be a happy mariage. What matters is to support each other and find compromises so that both are reasonably happy with the tasks that need to be done.

Having someone constantly looking at what you do and don't do and criticising you when it's not done as they want it is extremely stressful and it's hard to find it in ourselves to be kind to people who stress us.

You really need to find each other again and understand why both are so stressed and what damage it is doing to your family.

I'd be interested in DH's s list of everything he does. Because there's clearly a lot more tasks involved in running a household/looking after children then you've listed here and I wonder who does the other things?

TBH when I read your list my first thought was to wonder why you were buying groceries several times when you had meal planned for the week, and why getting money for the cleaner was a specific job (when you'd been buying groceries several times and could presumably have got cash at the same time).

Ye,s he was rubbish with the party, but my DH hates children's parties so I accept he will be useless and expect him to make up for it in other ways.

the key thing here seems to be that you both feel tired and resentful.
I think you need a proper conversation, and perhaps a proper discussion about how tasks should be divided.

Not sure on this one. You do have a cleaner and an extra day off in the week. I could get a fair number of chores knocked off the list with an extra 8-9 hours a week especially if half of those hours were child free.

Ok to answer some points that have come up. DH doesn’t do DIY. Jobs either stay unfinished or we pay someone. The lawn gets mown once a month by him in summer I do any weeding etc. I bought groceries several times as I did the main shop and then we ran out of bread, milk etc towards the end of the week and I needed to get stuff for a packed lunch for the school trip. I did get cash out at the supermarket but my point was that it’s something he wouldn’t even have thought about. Like all of these little things that I have to think about but he can ignore.

And my “day off” isn’t child free as I have the nursery age child at home on that day. During nap time I do chores as a cleaner once a week isn’t enough for a house with kids and pets.

Getting a balloon ought to have been simple. Go to shop, buy balloon and hide in car boot, collect kids, go home. Instead he collected kids, went to toy shop and bought them toys ( day before one was due a ton of birthday gifts anyway), went to a coffee shop to wait for me to get back. Kicked off when I said my train was delayed and he would have less than 5 mins to get back to shop to buy a balloon.

I would say his regular list of household stuff is as follows: the nursery and school runs I listed earlier, irons his own shirts, puts his cups and plates in dishwasher that are littering lounge from night before ( this he classes as him “always tidying”), cooks once a week, takes bins out for dustmen, does his own laundry once a week ( rarely taking more than one item he needs out of dryer), empties dishwasher once or sometimes twice a week, wipes kitchen counter after making himself a sandwich etc ( always cleaning up!).

My mother stayed for a weekend and commented to me that he seems to “do nothing”. In his mind he does “plenty”. So discussions end up in rows because he just won’t have it that he isn’t doing enough.

When I met him he lived in a complete hovel and his mother’s house is disgusting. So I guess I should have realised what I was letting myself in for 😫

I hate to say it but he's not going to change so it's down to you about how you feel (understandably irritated) and if you can live like that.

brizzledrizzle is right - he won't change - mine didn't and my 2 sons follow suit to a degree - I feel like the hired help and I get the blame for someone not being able to find something because I don't want tools/clothes/anything really in the lounge/kitchen/bathroom. It's hard when one has certain standards and the other doesn't seem to have many at all We argue sometimes about it because I get so fed up, but nothing changes for long (if at all) ... sorry can't make you feel better. Btw, think my DH has made me less than 10 meals in the 20 years we have been together and that was because I couldn't for some reason

YANBU. I would not put up with this, lazy shit.

Just tried to talk to him and he won’t speak to me as I “screamed and shouted” in his face. Yes, I shouted but I did not scream. And I was about ten foot away from him so hardly in his face. This is him trying to paint me as the hysterical woman 🙄

Sounds like my DH. Because hes pulled his finger out and mowed the grass, tidied the garage and done a tip run today he seems to be expecting constant comments on how helpful he’s being. I have done the supermarket shop, made and cleared up lunch and will shortly begin hoovering while he rests because it’s all been so tiring, but I suspect my ‘helpfulness’ will not be remarked upon.

And OP, I always get the ‘screamed and shouted’ accusation if I raise my voice too.

Argh it’s so frustrating that some men are like this!! From what you’ve said it sounds like anything he does do to help is done under protest and as if he’s doing you a favour. He’s not. It’s his house/family as much as yours and therefore equally his responsibility. You shouldn’t have to ‘ask’ him to do basic stuff.

I’m ‘lucky’ I suppose that my DH pulls his weight around the house and does more than his fair share. I do appreciate him and tell him regularly. But frankly I don’t see why we should expect less than a fair split and I just wouldn’t put up with him ‘opting out’ like that OP. Shouting isn’t going to help (as you know) but would it be possible to sit down with him when the kids are in bed and have a serious conversation about expectations etc? Doesn’t have to be accusatory, if you both get to ‘have your say’ maybe you can come up with a way forward?

Yes, that’s exactly it. Anything he does is reluctantly and as if I’m really taking the puss by asking him.

Conversations don’t work as he is adamant that he does “loads”. He is “always clearing up”. But he can’t give me specifics and just gets angry and keeps repeating “yeah I’m a lazy bastard and do nothing!!”.
I reply that I’m not saying he does nothing but that he doesn’t do enough but he just keeps ranting that I’m accusing him of “doing nothing”. A tactic to shut me up I’m starting to think.

Taking the piss not puss 😂

Explain to him that a joint life is supposed to make things easier for both parents.
However, in this instance a separate life would make your life considerably easier (you wouldn't have to clean up after him & youd be child-responsibility free 50% of the time)
But he'd be 100% responsible for the kids 50% of the time, so would have to wash & iron their uniforms, do packed lunches, cook dinners & buy birthday balloons etc himself, which would make his life harder.
Ask him if he'd prefer to stay together and participate & contribute a bit more, or split up and participate & contribute an awful lot more.
Surely it's a fairly simple equation for him to work out.