Who is being unreasonable here?

[mamaslave18]

Just had a row with my DH. I think he’s been a lazy git and he thinks I’m being moody.
We both work and commute. Him 5 days and me 4. Have two kids. We have a cleaner but I pretty much do everything else. I don’t think he has ever washed the kids clothes, or changed a bed.

Last week he did nursery drop off and collection 3 times and school run once. I did school run 4 times and one nursery run. The nursery is on his way to work. The school is not en route for either of us. Just to give an idea.
As well as school runs etc last week I also did our sons homework with him, got his PE kit ready on the right day, ensured he had correct school uniform washed etc, got everything ready for a school trip, bought groceries several times, got cash for the cleaner, tidied the house for the cleaner and got clean sheets out etc, took care of our pets, decided on all meals all week, bought and wrapped school child’s birthday gifts, all prep for birthday party. You get the jist.

DH was tasked with buying a balloon and birthday card. He couldn’t manage this as he had to collect both kids Friday night and didn’t plan his time properly. My train was delayed so I didn’t get back in time to take kids off him before the shop shut. He did get a card but for the entirely wrong age! I ended up traipsing around a local shopping centre at 7pm after a day at work to sort it. I then go back and make dinner as he is sulking because I got annoyed and called him useless.

Party day came. I got both kids ready, prepped party bags etc. He tidied up wrapping paper after being asked. Spent the day moaning about how tired he was. Then got the hump when I asked him that evening to put kids in the bath and order a pizza. Apparently it was easier for me to order it whilst cleaning up downstairs and moving toys around to make room for all of the new tat than it was for him to do it whilst sat next to the bath ( playing on his phone anyway!!).

This morning I was up with kids at 5am as he doesn’t hear them come into our room multiple times, and is unaware of the lights being switched on and off 🙄. He gets up at 9am. When asked to finish doing our sons homework with him he claims it’s vitally important he watches a show about Brexit first. He will do homework later. But we are out this afternoon. So what he means is he either won’t do it, or will attempt it at 6pm when said child is too tired and it will all go wrong.

I’ve ended up shouting and calling him lazy and telling him he needs to engage more. Do I sound unreasonable??? Apparently he isn’t going to listen to my made up version of reality.

Gosh sorry this is so long. It’s turned into a stream of consciousness 😳

Could it be that he just doesn't see the benefit of what you do, if he is used to living somewhere messy (e.g. his mum's). I'm pretty tidy and stuff is usually put away neatly, but I don't hoover and bleach daily etc. I once dated a guy who was a total clean freak, and he used to dust my skirting boards, clean on top of the cupboards, scrub stains out of the kitchen floor - he couldn't relax unless everything was perfect. But I didn't even notice when he'd done it because it was above my tolerance level. We used to joke about it but it did annoy him a bit!

There was a really interesting survey a few years ago asking both partners who did what % of the housework. On average, men thought they did 50% but actually did 20%, and most women felt they did 70% but actually did 80%! Both were surprised by the results.

All I'm saying is he may genuinely think he is pulling his weight and be surprised by what he sees as your outburst. (e.g. in your example he has tidied the plates and cups, and that makes the most visual difference to the space, so now it's sorted as far as he's concerned? what's the point in hoovering etc).

Can you apologise for shouting at him and say you have felt frustrated and ask to talk about it in a week or so when the argument is less raw? At least then you can have the conversation when you're calm, and it won't just get brushed under the carpet because you're not actively upset anymore?

You're married to a professionally incompetent man child. I assume he's never been any different so what makes you think he will magically turn into an adult now? You've probably been his enabler for so long that he will need a bloody good reason to change.

Good luck.

I would apologise for shouting and explain that it came from pure frustration. Sit down with him and make a list of everything that you do and ask him to do the same and then compare notes. Surely then the bellend will recognize that there is a problem. I don't know if it will achieve anything because it's obvious that he expects you to do pretty much everything and doesn't care if it doesn't get done. Be clear that this can't continue. Good luck

Apologies if some has already mentioned this, but have you tried making a list (like you have here) of all the things that need doing. A really specific list, missing nothing out, even the seemingly petty stuff like rinsing out the bath after the kids have been in.
Put two columns alongside the list, and tick all the ones you do, and those he does. Include frequency, e.g. emptying dishwasher: him x2, you x5.
Be prepared for him to say that half the stuff you list doesn't need doing and is just you being fussy, so if you want unnecessary stuff done, it's up to you. Your apparent compromise could therefore be to delete things that you don't really mind doing anyway (like rinsing the bathroom basin out/tidying the shampoo bottles whilst supervising bath-time).

Oh, in the interests of being seen to be fair, ask him if there's anything he feels is missing from the list that he always does, e.g. putting petrol in the car. Add it.

oh god just reading this all makes me feel stressed. He IS bloody useless and taking the piss. Totally out of order and such a lack of respect for the tasks that you do. I don't have much advice for tackling it as he doesn't seem very receptive to having this brought to light, but i hope you manage to make some headway. I'd be livid!

You could do as OhDearGodLookAtThisMess suggested or you could decide that it shouldn't be necessary and is far too much effort for too little return and trade him in for an adult.

You could probably always argue that it's never 50/50 all the time, it probably varies. It might help to meal plan, online shop, pay cleaner by direct debit & add stuff like cards, stamps, balloons onto online shop. (I keep a stash of birthday candles/balloons, cards & stamps: saves mad dashes).

When I met him he lived in a complete hovel and his mother’s house is disgusting. So I guess I should have realised what I was letting myself in for 😫

Yep. And this is precisely why I immediately dumped any man who was living like this or whose mother did everything for him and tell my kids to do the same, I turn into an exercise in adverse conditioning. Someone like this is inherently lazy, feels hard done by in life and has zero respect for him or herself, so cannot possibly have respect for anyone else.

I guess the best you can do is tell him his lack of pulling his weight in life is killing your marriage.

I’ve just managed to get back to this thread.
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess - your reply made me chuckle! I actually got into the car this afternoon to find the petrol light on so I had to get petrol when already running late taking the kids to an activity.

CSlblonde - I know what you’re saying but that is still with the onus on me to plan and be more organised? The balloon saga needn’t have been a drama but DH turned it into one.

dontalltalkatonce - I’d say inherently lazy and feels hard done by is right. He is forever complaining that he is knackered from working “long hours”. He works 9-5! Not particularly long hours at all in my book.

The longer we are together the more I realise that he is exactly like his mother. I’m not overly keen on her as I’ve always found her lazy and selfish. I’ve suddenly realised that I’ve essentially married her 😫

Could you compare how much leisure time you both have?

Assuming you 'work' a full day on your day off (looking after nursery child, doing chores while child naps etc), and you both have similar hours, then would he agree that you should both get similar leisure time in the evenings and weekends?

R u married to my H OP ?

I totally sympathise with you and can relate to everything you said. Not helpful, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I was married to a man like your DH. I started to resent him, withdrew affection, he used to annoy me so much with his 'can't be bothered attitude'.

I remember one Sunday we were going to a christening- I got up with a toddler and baby, fed them, dressed them (probably did a million other things) and sorted out the gift, he knew what time we were leaving. I was sat in the car with both kids whilst he ran around and ironed a shirt.

He left a few months later after finding comfort in a female colleague. We've been divorced 10 years now and he's admitted what an idiot he was. He regrets his lack of support in our marriage.

His mother did everything for him too.

So many men seem to think it's fine not to contribute to your lives together, tell him it's not acceptable and if it doesn't change then you'll divorce him

He’s not going to change is he Op? I’d be planning on splitting up. Get your ducks in a row and ask him to leave. I have no doubt your life will be a lot easier without him in it.