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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this woman out to get me?

53 replies

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 09:38

Basically... a year ago, I made a joke on a FB page. There was a local woman's group called Ladies in Blackpool (changed name) and they all fell out. So, another group started called Blackpool Ladies. I thought it was all ridiculous and put up a Monty Python sketch (Judean People's Front/People's Front of Judea).

The admin fell out with me. I left. All very childish, I know.

The whole episode lasted five minutes (between joining, taking the piss and leaving). Since then she is doing everything in her power to destroy me.

She has sent messages to people who work for me to warn them of my "bad side". So... I sent a message to her asking if we could just put it all behind us and that I was sorry for the joke and that it would be great if we could just make amends and move on. It was a very arse-licking message full of apologies and regret and how I was just being ironinc and it was over a year ago and I'd like to put it all behind us.

I sent it to her husband though because she had blocked me. No reply.

Then more messages come to me from other sources sent by her saying I drink (I probably have two drinks a YEAR) and have psychological issues and I'm a troll and a stalker and have been writing to her husband and that nothing to do with me can be put on her page.

Someone shared a post to her page that I had written about a lost dog. She took it down and explained that it was because she won't publicise me in any way. It was about trying to find a lost dog! He's still missing!

She is damaging my reputation. I live in a small community. She is very careful and never publishes comments. It's all done in private messages. But four people have told me about it... so how many people is she talking to and why???

I'm worried about my business and I'm worried that people will think I'm a drunk, single mother with a baby. I feel vulnerable, sad, bullied.

Can I do something? Should I ignore her? People who know me will know it's just not true... but the women love a bit of gossip around here. Those who haven't met me will form opinions.

What would you do?

For context - she is thrity years older than me. I run a charity in our community. That's the "business". She can't affect my actual job because it's too niche and I'm self-employed anyway, but she could turn people away from supporting the charity (an animal charity). That's what upsets me the most. She clearly doesn't like me, but that shouldn't have anything to do with what my volunteers are trying to do for animals. Nor the animals themselves.
She also took down a post of four ittle black kittens needing homes. Again, because my number was given in the contact details.

I have never met this woman.

I have only ever put up the piss-taking video. It was ME who did that, on my own time, as me. It had nothing to do with my charity. And I have apologised for it. A lot. Overkill on the apology front.

Part of me wants to really let her have it and tell her that if it continues, I will be seeing a solicitor. Can I do that? Have I to just let it go?

I'm torn between rising above it and kicking her arse.

OP posts:
ilovekale · 18/11/2018 09:43

She's clearly escalated after what was a joke. I would go after her for defamation tbh. Contact solicitor and go from there

OfaFrenchmind2 · 18/11/2018 09:44

Kick her ass. Well, that's the fantasy, but I guess it would be elderly abuse.
But if you want to be sneaky and a bit even, when people mention her abuse to you, be concerned and ask if she is getting any better? You know... her head? As long as she takes care of herself, you are okay with her particularities...

Underpressureidiot · 18/11/2018 09:46

Take screenshots of everything. I think you need to contact a lawyer and send her a letter about defamation.

ShadyLady53 · 18/11/2018 09:47

I’d definitely send a solicitor’s letter and make clear you WILL take her all the way for defamation. She sounds like a nasty piece of work!

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 18/11/2018 09:48

Don't threaten to see a solicitor she'll just use that to further her campaign. Instead let a solicitor do the talking for you, that will scare the average person into shutting the fuck up.

CoughLaughFart · 18/11/2018 09:49

Report each and every message she sends and ask the recipients to take screenshots. This woman is nuts.

Candlelights2345 · 18/11/2018 09:50

Don’t apologise any more, rise above it now. The original joke was pretty harmless IMO and the still be coming after you now is crazy. Consider going to a solicitor, if anyone approaches you with any more messages ask them to forward them to you, then you can ask a solicitor to issue a cease & desist letter.

treaclesoda · 18/11/2018 09:53

I suspect that no one who has told you about this will be willing to actually get involved. I'd be amazed if anyone was willing to provide you with screen shots because when push comes to shove they won't want the possibility of being involved in a court case or anything like that.

Have people shown you the messages or just told you about them?

I think you're in a really difficult position. Sad

Whipsmart · 18/11/2018 09:56

I think I'd start telling everyone very openly how her feud started. It was a very harmless joke and I think most people would have a chuckle over it! Then it will be clear how batshit she is for taking such offence!

ThatOneHurt · 18/11/2018 09:59

I would contact all those who you know who she has messaged (that are your friends not strangers) as them to screen shot what she wrote to them as you need it for evidence because you're taking legal action.
Be black and white, unemotional and rational about it.
Gather as much evidence as you can and see a solicitor (orwhoever it is that needs to be seen to take the next legal step).

ThatOneHurt · 18/11/2018 10:01

I'd be amazed if anyone was willing to provide you with screen shots because when push comes to shove they won't want the possibility of being involved in a court case or anything like that.

Speak for yourself!! If my friend was being bullied and treated like that, fuck yes I would support them 100% and go to court for them. I would even do it for an acquaintance.
You might not want to get involved but I would certainly never step back and hide when someone is being ripped to shreds.

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 10:02

We're abroad... so I'm not totally clear on the laws here, but I can find out. Part of me is thinking - Crikey how have you got yourself involved in a Faecbook war at your age? I'd love to come off social media and have nothing to do with these people, but I do it to keep in touch with friends... and above all else to rehome animals. That's all I'm bothered about.

We're in a rural place and I rehome between 50 and 60 cats a year (especially during kitten season.) and raise money for sanctuaries. The expat community thrives on gossip.

BUT, I need the expat community for the charity (it's a charity shop and the Brits "get it" whereas it's taking time for the locals to understand the concept). She's making me so upset that I bought a packet of fags after having stopped. That's my own fault. I shouldn't have done it, but I feel so anxious and wound up.

It's awful knowing someone could destroy all my hard work (and that of my volunteers). Above all else, she's messing with my kid now by saying I drink. I'm on my own with my baby and she's the love of my life. The idea that people will think I'm drinking is just so upsetting.

OP posts:
Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 10:16

I know that one of the people will give me screen shots. The others (my volunteers and people in the animal-rescue world) just showed me on their phones. I don't know if it's right to get then involved.

Theyre all quite elderly too. In their sixties most of them - so not over the hill but probably old enough not to want to be going to court in a foreign country. She's very clever. Very. She has screenshots of a comment where she wrote. "Are you just here to cause trouble" and I put "Yep, I'm off now though". And I left the group. This is me "admitting to wanting to cause trouble". She leaves off the Monty Python video in the screenshot.

Also, she tells people that I wrote to her husband. I did. But it was a "So sorry to bother you could you pass to X... followed my an arse-licking apology letter. She leaves that info out. So, it looks like I could have been writing to him to offer him a blowie or something.

In her group, she comes across as a kind, fun-loving woman. She's very careful. I think she might me jealous because of the shop and that I speak the language (she doesn't) and that I've made a success of the charity am known in the community.

I just don't want to be known as a psycho drinker single mum (which will be more interesting to most than cat-rehoming, boring woman who is just trying to quietly get on with it).

OP posts:
zeezee3 · 18/11/2018 10:20

@deltaquinn

Your poor thing OP! Shock

What a horrid person this woman sounds. And there is at least one n every village (or community!) There is one in mine, and I actively avoid her like the plague. I have lived in my village 6-7 years, and luckily live 5 minutes walk from her, (in another road,) so rarely see her.

She has somehow managed to drive FIVE (single or widowed) women out of their homes (which are in her corner of the village,) in the time I have been here. (She never picks on married women as she won't confront men - and a married woman has a man with her obvs!)

In the first 6 months we were here, even the workmen/ gardeners/ milkman/ postman that come to the houses in the village asked 'have you met Mel yet?' (Not her real name!) We said 'no.' And they said 'avoid avoid avoid!' And the village pub landlady told me and DH to 'not get involved with her as she is toxic,' the first month we moved in!!!

You need to get a solicitor here to send this woman (who is giving you hell,) a letter to 'cease and desist.'

Stop being so fucking nice! She doesn't deserve it.

You need to get these people who told you what she is doing and saying, to give you copies/screendumps of the shit she is spreading/private messages, as you will need evidence. Start documenting everything NOW in a diary, and get what evidence you can. DO NOT let this woman win, do NOT let her carry on slating you, and DO NOT let people think she is telling the truth.

Tell them that she has it in for you, for a joke that she took the wrong way - over a year ago - that you apologised for. Be very vocal about it of someone is mean to you because of what she has said. Stick up for yourself. You have nothing to lose if she is badmouthing you anyway!

Hope you will be OK Flowers

AnotherDIYSunday · 18/11/2018 10:22

Sounds like a horrible situation, OP. Flowers

The fact that you're abroad may make it easier to go after her for defamation. While in the UK defamation is a civil matter (and therefore expensive to sort), many other jurisdictions treat it as a crime. If you're lucky, you can report her to the police who could have a word with her which may be enough to shut her up.

zeezee3 · 18/11/2018 10:24

Collect all the evidence of her slating you (and all the shit she does,) and says for a couple of months or so, before contacting a solicitor, so you have some ammo.

LemonTT · 18/11/2018 10:24

Personally I don’t go much in for one sided gossip or tale telling so would think less of her. But some people really do believe in the old adage no smoke etc. Despite it being bollocks.

If it concerns you that much you need some actual evidence of her defamation. Then you can take action under whatever the local law is. Otherwise any retaliation is likely to inflame the situation and people with be as equally turned off to you as to her.

So you either do something formally or just ignore her on the basis that she is doing herself harm.

It would be helpful if you could answer pp on if there actually is any evidence or just rumours.

Nb she can set her own rules for the site she administers. If you and your charity are banned, then you are banned. Create your own online or social media presence and give up on her fiefdom.

Maelstrop · 18/11/2018 10:31

Find out if there's a misuse of Technology act in your country. Every time anyone mentions a nasty comment from her, mention that your will be contacting the police and that you have screenshots (even if you don't). What a bitch she is.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/11/2018 10:32

I'd be sending her a cease and desist letter or whatever it's called where you are.

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 10:35

I have screen shots of some of the messages, yes. I could ask for the others.
She is careful though. She will write things like: "I'm worried about her psychological health" or "She was probably drunk when she wrote to my husband" or "Just be warned, there is a side to her you haven't seen" rather than "She is a drunk" or "She is mental".
I imagine everything would have to be officially translated if I were to go down the legal route. Also, if I failed, she would LOVE it.
I think I am very naive. That's my problem. I just CANNOT believe that I have had so little to do with her and she hates me this much. I don't know what's motivating her. I just don't get it. And then I waste my time and energy getting really down about it. And that will spread to my daughter.

OP posts:
birdladyfromhomealone · 18/11/2018 10:41

If you are in Spain go to the police and denounce her, she will then be called to the police station to asnswer the denouncia.
It will stop her.
She will know you are not putting up with it any longer.

jay55 · 18/11/2018 10:42

I'd be feeling really petty and put a picture of her up in the shop with BANNED under it.
But the legal route sounds much more sensible.

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 10:51

We're in France. I could go to the police and she would be asked to go to the station, but if they then decide to do nothing (which they probably would), it would give her more ammo. She can't speak French though and it would be pretty scary to a normal person.
I might go to the police for advice.
You've all been very kind on here. Thank you!
Baby is up from her nap now! Got to go and do some colouring on the walls or whatever she wants to do with her day! I can't have her seeing me upset! x

OP posts:
mylightbulbmoment · 18/11/2018 10:53

Why are you continuing to post on a page she admins if you’re banned ?

BitOutOfPractice · 18/11/2018 10:53

So what if she's upset. She shouldn't be slandering you.

Do you speak French op?