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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this woman out to get me?

53 replies

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 09:38

Basically... a year ago, I made a joke on a FB page. There was a local woman's group called Ladies in Blackpool (changed name) and they all fell out. So, another group started called Blackpool Ladies. I thought it was all ridiculous and put up a Monty Python sketch (Judean People's Front/People's Front of Judea).

The admin fell out with me. I left. All very childish, I know.

The whole episode lasted five minutes (between joining, taking the piss and leaving). Since then she is doing everything in her power to destroy me.

She has sent messages to people who work for me to warn them of my "bad side". So... I sent a message to her asking if we could just put it all behind us and that I was sorry for the joke and that it would be great if we could just make amends and move on. It was a very arse-licking message full of apologies and regret and how I was just being ironinc and it was over a year ago and I'd like to put it all behind us.

I sent it to her husband though because she had blocked me. No reply.

Then more messages come to me from other sources sent by her saying I drink (I probably have two drinks a YEAR) and have psychological issues and I'm a troll and a stalker and have been writing to her husband and that nothing to do with me can be put on her page.

Someone shared a post to her page that I had written about a lost dog. She took it down and explained that it was because she won't publicise me in any way. It was about trying to find a lost dog! He's still missing!

She is damaging my reputation. I live in a small community. She is very careful and never publishes comments. It's all done in private messages. But four people have told me about it... so how many people is she talking to and why???

I'm worried about my business and I'm worried that people will think I'm a drunk, single mother with a baby. I feel vulnerable, sad, bullied.

Can I do something? Should I ignore her? People who know me will know it's just not true... but the women love a bit of gossip around here. Those who haven't met me will form opinions.

What would you do?

For context - she is thrity years older than me. I run a charity in our community. That's the "business". She can't affect my actual job because it's too niche and I'm self-employed anyway, but she could turn people away from supporting the charity (an animal charity). That's what upsets me the most. She clearly doesn't like me, but that shouldn't have anything to do with what my volunteers are trying to do for animals. Nor the animals themselves.
She also took down a post of four ittle black kittens needing homes. Again, because my number was given in the contact details.

I have never met this woman.

I have only ever put up the piss-taking video. It was ME who did that, on my own time, as me. It had nothing to do with my charity. And I have apologised for it. A lot. Overkill on the apology front.

Part of me wants to really let her have it and tell her that if it continues, I will be seeing a solicitor. Can I do that? Have I to just let it go?

I'm torn between rising above it and kicking her arse.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 18/11/2018 10:54

And as an aside I would have really laughed at your Monty python joke!

InkyGrail · 18/11/2018 10:57

Wow, she sounds very petty and manipulative. I think with these people anything you do directly (or indirectly) will be twisted to try and make out you are the 'bad guy.'

The thing is, I know it seems like she has a lot of power to screw with your reputation but actually if in a year your charity has not been affected, it's not going to be now.

People like this think they are a lot more clever than they really are. The fact that lots of people have already shown you her bullshit means that they are aware of what she is really like and she's actually damaging her own reputation, not yours with her pettiness.

No reasonable person would think that it's ok to still be going on about this a year later. You say that she could destroy your business - but if it's been a year already and it's a success - how can she possibly do that?

You say she comes off all nicey nice in her little group, but don't forget people have brains and are probably well aware of her 'other side'.

howabout · 18/11/2018 11:04

I would fight fire with fire but NOT in the sense of counter mud slinging. Make it public that you are aware of what she is doing and if you have friends in your corner on the receiving end of her missives get them to do the same. Also agree with gathering screenshots etc.

Doubt police / solicitor would do anything other than stoke her ire and increase suspicion of there being more to it than there is.

MysticFlyTrap · 18/11/2018 11:08

I have been subjected to online slander and it was hell. Facebook can be the route of all evil in the wrong hands.

UpstartCrow · 18/11/2018 11:12

Online slander can be impossible to deal with - until they take that step too far and do something like contact your employer. That leaves a paper trail, it can also be construed as harassment.
Check out the laws on stalking and harassment where you are. Go to the police station and ask to speak to someone about it.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/11/2018 11:17

Get your volunteers all in for a meeting and explain the situation to them..

You were on the old Facebook group, joined the new one, make a joke, left. You were made aware that she had been contacting people who work for you and warning them about your bad side. You contacted her to apologise. She has since been suggesting that you have a drinking problem and have mental health issues. You do not want any of this to affect the cat sanctuary or it's work. You have been upset by this behaviour and would ask the volunteers as friends, to correct any rumours they hear about you and if they receive any unsolicited messages about you to respond in a way that is supportive to you.

Ask the same of your friends.

Up to now, perhaps they have been simply silently not saying anything, perhaps if she starts to get the message that people think her behaviour is inappropriate then she will back off.

Skatersbeskating · 18/11/2018 11:21

Shes a twat.
You're not.

Miscible · 18/11/2018 11:35

There's a general principle that you should never threaten litigation unless you are prepared to follow through. I know virtually nothing about defamation in France, but in the UK you would have to hesitate long and hard about beginning a claim, as defamation cases are notoriously expensive and may well result in the original defamatory comments getting much more publicity than would otherwise be the case.

On a quick google, I have come across this in relation to French defamation law:

"The claim must be lodged within a period of three (3) months, starting from the first publication or broadcast. Once the period of three months has expired, no legal action can be taken. For Internet publications, the 3 month period starts once the publication is first posted."

No idea how that works or if it is up to date, but if it is correct it sounds like you might be too late to take defamation action anyway. Given that you're in a relatively small community, I think I'd go for Whipsmart's solution combined, perhaps, with OfaFrenchMind's.

Caprisunorange · 18/11/2018 11:37

Pay a solicitor to send her an arse letter

Caprisunorange · 18/11/2018 11:37

Arsey!

Brazenhussy0 · 18/11/2018 11:46

I thought it was all ridiculous and put up a Monty Python sketch (Judean People's Front/People's Front of Judea).

Grin I would have found this hilarious.

Just ignore her completely. People aren’t stupid and will realise she’s a bit unhinged. You probably aren’t the first person she’s targeted like this.

Pretend to yourself she doesn’t exist and if it escalates take it to the police.
When people approach you about it just roll your eyes at the whole thing.
Rise above it. Your charity work will continue as normal Flowers

NotTerfNorCis · 18/11/2018 11:48

Keep a file of who she's contacted and what she's said. Have a stock email you send to people who you know have been affected. Maybe make a statement on social media.

And yes, contact a solicitor. Then you can mention in your statement that you've taken that step. It will make it clear that she's in the wrong.

Waterparc · 18/11/2018 11:52

I’m a solicitor. I deal with malicious falsehood claims which is one of the subspecies of litigation.
I would listen to Inky Grail here.
If you want a consultation with a lawyer, find someone older and wiser who can see the long game. The last thing you need here is some young-man-in-a-hurry type who makes things worse.
A good French lawyer should be able to help you see beyond the immediate gratification of sending a letter and provide real guidance.

OffToBedhampton · 18/11/2018 12:20

Start a closed FB group page Blackpool Ex Pats or Friendly Blackpool Ladies!!! We've got several FB groups similiar named here! Ask your friends to join. It'll then pop up in their friends FB suggested groups. Grin
And block her!!

Or go back to the original group !

She'll go too far one day and that'll be worthy of a trip to police station. So far she's musing out loud at things, not quite defaming you, that anyone who knows you, knows isn't true. She's outing herself as vindictive. I bet you're not her only victim.

And warn your employees and friends as suggested above. They'll either counter it publicly or privately correct people - (and she'll become butt of gossip!) (but only state facts and make sure you have screenshot of evidence)- ... I would if I heard someone badmouthing a friend or my boss.

easielouisie · 18/11/2018 12:28

How infuriating! I agree with sending a solicitors letter 100%, it'll probably be enough to shut the cow up.

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 13:09

I just wish I had the money for a good French lawyer. I'm a literary translator. We're not paid mega bucks and I have to find work all the time. I work for myself and live on my own with a 17 month old. I think I'll rise above. Or send an arse letter as PP suggested. An actual picture of my arse to her husband. Give her something to actually talk about.
Joking aside, I'll just keep track of everything and have a word with all my volunteers.
I have thought about publishing it all... but it would just carry on and on and on... and my nerves can't take it. I've allowed this woman to get to me and I should be stronger than that. My volunteers work really hard. I'll just keep publicising what we do on social media and we'll outshine the bitch.
I could ask the police what they think.
One of my volunteers did actually work for a notary here in France, so maybe she knows someone who can help if it continues.
I don't even want to be in any of these groups. They're very "Daily Mail". A friend copied a post to me published by her about how awful it was that Tommy Robinson had been jailed. So... it's not like we could ever be great friends.
I have to get over it for now. She is taking up too much of the space in my brain and with a toddler, my brain cells have been draining away recently anyway.

OP posts:
LittleRedYoshi · 18/11/2018 13:11

Agree with the PPs who said that people will be wiser to her than you'd think. Her reaction to your joke is utter batshit - no way are the rest of her social interactions going to be normal!

Sarahrose21 · 18/11/2018 13:50

Simply tell her that her mother was a hampster and her father smells of elderberries

Deltaquinn · 18/11/2018 14:00

Sarahrose21 - Ha ha!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/11/2018 14:38

If I was one of your friends, I'd be asking her DH if she had the start of dementia and show concern about her.

Ask for advice and then do your sums. Getting the money together for legal advice would be money well spent.

CSIblonde · 18/11/2018 15:00

She's goading you to get a reaction. She's probably deeply unhappy & has zeroed in on you & a really minor thing as a way to vent other feelings. I think it needs a solicitors letter. I'd also mention to anyone who asks you that you're worried re her health as taking it so far, to me, indicates some kind of issue beyond jealousy.

Stephwiththecurls · 18/11/2018 15:18

It sounds very unpleasant for you, however from what you have said, she sounds incredibly overdramatic, and if this is what she is like, she almost certainly has a reputation for being a bit of a bitch if not totally unhinged.

In my experience, people who bitch about others are not universally liked and certainly not trusted, so I doubt she has as much influence on your reputation as it might feel like. More likely that people who know her take what she says with a pinch of salt and roll their eyes, but don't say anything as it's not worth getting on her bad side.

And it's a good sign that people are telling you what she's doing. If they believed her, they probably wouldn't mention it to you.

Personally, I'd totally ignore her antics, and live your life pretending she doesn't exist. If you bump into her just be nice/neutral like you would with any other acquaintance. It's very very hard to continue being a bitch to someone who is constantly nice or neutral to you.

Just my opinion but I absolutely would not get lawyers or police involved. She hasn't broken the law (unless you have evidence that she has damaged your business), and she's already got a persecution complex so in my opinion that would just make things 100x worse.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/11/2018 15:22

I think I would go In hard actually

Send a legal sounding letter staying that unless she ceases and desists to defame you will will take legal action

Make
It sound
Legal and refer to actual laws (you will need to do
Some actual research)

Try and Legally scare her

DerRosenkavelier · 18/11/2018 15:46

If she’s doing this to you, she’s probably done it before. I would not be surprised if this escalates someone else will cone forward with the same tale.

I think the PP who suggested taking this offline and talking to your volunteers in a group is a great idea. And also doing this to your friends and anyone else you may know.

You are never going to solve this online. By talking to people, or by reaching out to the expat community in real life you may make a difference.

Racecardriver · 18/11/2018 15:50

Just send her a threatening letter from a solicitor to cease and dissit otherwise you will sue for defamation.

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