To not want my Mum travelling to meet a random man abroad

[PengAly]

Ive been lurking for a while but its my first post so apologies for any mistakes! She is a hopeless romantic who wishes she had a man who loved and treated her well- I feel for her because everyone deserves that. She basically has never done anything for herself and spent her life devoted her kids. She has only now moved to her own house. Basically she desperately needs and wants life experiences and an actual romantic relationship.

So she recently went on a girls holiday to Spain on a typical resort all inclusive thing. She met the hotel manager, a Spanish man who took a liking to her and she liked him. They have been texting for the last month since being back and now he has convinced her to come and visit him in Istanbul. I am terrified of her going on this as she is very naive, thinks he must be a nice guy as she "feels" he is a decent man and on top of all that she has no idea of current events and how dangerous Istanbul is right now. She has zero travel experience, let alone going by herself to a country that has a lot of dangers at the moment and then to meet up with a man she hardly knows and STAY AT HIS HOUSE. Yes i am freaking out and we have told her all these risks today but she just doesnt see it. She seems to have been swept off her feet with this guy. She has already bought her flight tickets and is due to go soon

AIBU to want her to cancel her plans? Im getting really anxious at the idea of my lovely and innocent mum going through with as God knows what could happen to her!

This post was edited at OP's request

Oh no OP buy her some copies of take a break/chat etc. These things rarely end well

No no no.

Oh dear. I’m afraid you are right to be concerned, on many levels.
These ‘romances’ very rarely work out. Your poor mum could be facing a very unpleasant trip.
Turkey has just had a state of emergency lifted after two years and some places are still mentioned as a place to avoid, Istanbul being one of them.
Your mum does not know this guy at all. She will be on her own in a foreign country.
I hope you can persuade her it’s a bad idea

I wish she would listen! She gets cought up in this "meant to be" romance and cant see the real risks :(

Oh no, these things rarely work out. Hope you can get some help to speak to her and maybe get her to delay this holiday so she can think about it more. Good luck OP.

If she’s absolutely determined is there any way you or a friend could go with her?
Also, she really shouldn’t be staying in his house! Can you at least persuade her to stay in a hotel?

Yes, that’s very worrying. When does she leave? I know that in my country (not UK), the government has a Smart Traveller website with information about dangers in various parts of the world - is there anything like that in the UK?

I wonder if you can find some real stories of women who have done as your mum is doing, and lived to regret it. Other than that, maybe talk to her about her desire for a relationship. Tell her you understand she wants to meet someone, but she doesn’t need to fly off abroad for the first bloke she meets. Ask her what she really thinks is going to happen with this man. Offer to help her get set up with OLD, Meetup groups etc so she can find someone closer to home.

She’ll be very hard to convince if she believes herself to be in love. Good luck OP.

I know she’s an adult and capable of managing her own affairs but maybe gently probe if she’s sending money to him already. Cliche I know but a real possibility in these circumstances.

Or maybe you’ll just have to let your mum make her own decisions, this is a hard one.

She was originally going to meet one of her own friends who is there for a work conference and would have had a hotel room with her friend. So at least she had that safety net but she still was going to stay at his house anyway. And now it seems like her friend may not even be going there anymore so she will be completely alone. She told my brother who also said its a bad idea that she is just going to cancel but she has been in a grump about it so not sure if she will actually cancel. If she tells him she is no longer coming he will probably convince her to. Also she her friends she went on holiday know about and they are encouraging her!!!

loveless marriage - long story

Is that a euphemism for abusive?

Because the woman you're describing sounds like women tend to be after getting out of an abusive, controlling relationship - extremely vulnerable and at risk of being targeted by other, differently abusive men who target and groom them.

Grooming isn't something you can undo by telling her to do what you want. You need to bring her around to your view gently and get her to realise for herself - ask questions to get her thinking and give her opportunities to raise doubts or niggles (without you immediately flying off the handle or jumping on it to tell her you were right).

Otherwise she'll dig her heels in and carry on to prove you wrong.

If she insists on going, have safety plans with her. Print off the FCO travel advice, and anything else appropriate then chat it through - calmly, non-judgementally. Give her information and help her to feel in control of her decisions.

Help her set up a travel money card (for travel safety reasons) if she doesn't have one and get her to leave debit/credit cards at home. (So if it turns exploitative and he suddenly has an emergency he needs her to help with...)

Remember, if she goes and then starts to have doubts you want her to feel able to call you and ask for your help. You don't want her to feel too ashamed or embarrassed or afraid to call you or tell you because she thinks you'll just say "I told you so".

livingtheturkishdream.com/2013/09/15/holidayflingorrealthing/

You could use something like this for the basis of a calm conversation - it would show you're open to accepting she's found happiness and you're there to support her however things go. And it will allow you to plant seeds of what warning signs she needs to respond to (don't tell her "if this happens, you must..., just talk through the red flags and cases where women have been exploited. Mention them as a light hearted joke ("I'm sure he's not going to be one of those who suddenly has a financial crisis as soon as you go to visit his family! Ho Ho") or as questions. Not instructions.)

Do some basic travel safety planning with her if she's travelling alone.

Worst case scenario, figure out a backup plan of what you can do to help her if it all goes wrong and she needs your help. It will give you a little measure of peace of mind if you have a plan prepared in advance. Copy passports, contact details, addresses, embassy location and contact details, etc.

@lovingbendorm she isnt sending him, trust me i know she wouldn't do that

@Livingoncake thank you we have told jer of possibilities and kind of scared her. Maybe she just needs to sleep on it and think about everything we said?

Sorry Peng I’m not sure what you mean

I'm all for romance, but she doesn't really know him and will find Istanbul more difficult to negotiate her way around than in her seaside resort.
Presumably you've checked him out on social media? Anything to suggest he's already married? Maybe you can dig up recent photos of him with other women which might put your mum off him. Is there an age gap?

She is currently upset and not in a place for us to talk to her anymore tonight. We did aggressively overwhelm her of the fscts so hoping she opens up tomorrow for abother conversation

Agree with LovingBenidorm is there any way you could go with her? If this man is genuine and really is a decent bloke ten he will understand and not mind. If not, well it will be a good job she has back up.

Not quite the same thing but, years ago after my father died, my Mum met someone through a lonely hearts column. On their first date my elder sister gave her a lift and waited until they had met him before leaving her. He understood perfectly and, as it happened, they spent the next 20+ years together!

She gets cought up in this "meant to be" romance and cant see the real risks

What do you reckon your chances are of persuading her to go on the Freedom Programme course? (Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk) or another local course on healthy relationships for women starting over if there is one near you?

Not just for this situation, but she sounds so vulnerable. It's worrying if her rose tinted glasses are stopping her from evaluating what a healthy relationship should look like.

What really concerns me is that it sounds like her only perspective is: "does this new man treat me like my husband did?" And then if he (superficially or otherwise) appears different she's interpreting that as him being "decent".

This is what women who've been abused do too. "This new man can't be abusive, because he's different to my ex." Except that's not how it works.

FP teaches healthy relationships, early warning signs that things aren't right, it explains about love bombing and men who rush you into relationships with dramatic declarations of love etc so you drop your guard. It also teaches about the dynamics of abuse, especially the subtle forms, which is really useful to understand if you're heading out into the world of dating and relationships for the first time in s long time.

It teaches how you deserve to be treated by somebody who loves you - and the difference between that, and some of the things we might misinterpret as love (eg controlling us, love bombing us, manipulating us...).

These all sound like things your mum would benefit from learning about. What do you think?

There might be other options locally to you besides FP. Near me there are a few organisations for women running their own follow-on style programmes from FP so there might be similar near you. FP itself is free, confidential, and supportive even though it's information not therapy. Thinking about it, it might help her take the first steps towards raising her self esteem so she values herself enough not to jump at the first man who isn't unkind to her.

Blimey, give her some breathing space and let her come to you. Do not repeat whatever you did tonight.

Upsetting her and dominating her is not going to help. You will just push her closer to him.

Destroying your own relationship with her won't help either.

Gently gently, not aggressively. You don't express care like that.

Thank you for the advice. To clarify her marriage to my dad was not abusive. She basically made all the effort and he never reciprocated-essentially they were not good for each other and stayed together for us kids.

We werent really aggressive, we just gave her some real safety advice, told her about potential risks and the policitical climate in Turkey. Then it transpired that she has NO IDEA about the risks as her friends were telling her she should go and she didnt seem to want to follow our advice. If anything we kind of scared her and made her unsure so we will see what happens tomorrow. But she has been texting him after our conversation- she is due to go in about a week.

Get her to have a look at www.tunisianloverats.com/ different country, but endless stories about women who’ve met men overseas and been scammed. I guarantee someone there will have already posted a similar story and not had a good outcome.

are her friends reliable, experienced?
there are some awful people who can cause you to make mistake and watch you fall.

The thing is (and sorry if ive drip fed!) That she isnt even in love with him. She jisy thinks he is a really nice guy and wants to go so she can get to know him better...

I think there was a tv documentary called Love Rats. In it was an "older" lady who fell for a Turkish man. I can't remember the details but it ended as you would expect. I want to say it was on C4 or C5 but could have been on any of the Freeview mainstream cgabbeks if you want yo find it and watch it with her.

The 'girls' she went on holiday with are encouraging her to go?
These women are NOT her friends!

I agree with everyone else op - this will not end well. I saw so many of these relationships when I worked in immigration.

If it was a British woman, they really thought that the 20 year old waiter was in love with them - and were astonished when they left (normally about 5 mins after gaining ILR).

The British men meanwhile knew they were getting two years of sex on tap before they'd have to find another girlfriend

Agree someone should go with your mum if at all possible.

I don't think Istanbul is anymore dangerous than London tbh. I spent a lovely few days there and then Bodrum in the summer.

But yes, agree it's madness to be staying with a stranger.