To not want my Mum travelling to meet a random man abroad

[PengAly]

Ive been lurking for a while but its my first post so apologies for any mistakes! She is a hopeless romantic who wishes she had a man who loved and treated her well- I feel for her because everyone deserves that. She basically has never done anything for herself and spent her life devoted her kids. She has only now moved to her own house. Basically she desperately needs and wants life experiences and an actual romantic relationship.

So she recently went on a girls holiday to Spain on a typical resort all inclusive thing. She met the hotel manager, a Spanish man who took a liking to her and she liked him. They have been texting for the last month since being back and now he has convinced her to come and visit him in Istanbul. I am terrified of her going on this as she is very naive, thinks he must be a nice guy as she "feels" he is a decent man and on top of all that she has no idea of current events and how dangerous Istanbul is right now. She has zero travel experience, let alone going by herself to a country that has a lot of dangers at the moment and then to meet up with a man she hardly knows and STAY AT HIS HOUSE. Yes i am freaking out and we have told her all these risks today but she just doesnt see it. She seems to have been swept off her feet with this guy. She has already bought her flight tickets and is due to go soon

AIBU to want her to cancel her plans? Im getting really anxious at the idea of my lovely and innocent mum going through with as God knows what could happen to her!

This post was edited at OP's request

Does your mum have money op? If so, you need to tell her to set a spending limit on this holiday for obvious reasons.

She has what id say is a normal/average amount of money and I doubt she would start giving him money. But yes we need to convince her not to go unless she is already coming to that conclusion...fingers crossed!

You know he is probably married. The UK doesn’t recognise Turkish marriages as they can’t divorce.

Friends Turkish husband has a wife and kids back in Turkey who he visits for 2 months every year.

I think Turkish men and women get married very young.

Whilst your dm wants romance she needs to be doing a lot of growing up first and so by the sounds of it do her friends. Or is it because if they say anything she will unfriend them and do exactly what she wants anyway.

Friend did something similar and cut off anyone who tried to warn her.

She ended up married to the guy but he immediately changed straight after the wedding and he was sent packing within a few days.

It turned out she had been funding him for over a year.

Really you have to in the nicest possible way ask her why this guy is with her.

I know it sounds cruel but whenever I see this sort of thing I wonder if the older woman has looked in the mirror lately and asked herself why some young hunk wants to be with them.

Is it for their looks or for their money or for their passport

UPDATE: based on everything we said yesterday she has basically decided now not to go but she is very resentful of us for it. She feels like we are stopping her happiness and doesn't seem to comprehend the risks involved...she also cant get a refund on the plane ticket so she could still change her mind but we dont know. It sucks because we all have jad a very up and down relationship with DM and looks like now she is going to be pissed off at us for some time :(

I'm on the fence with this one.

Firstly, of course turks can get divorced 🙈 it's rarer than in western countries but of course they can

Secondly, it's no more dangerous in Istanbul than London - in fact arguably I feel much safer there. We've had terror attacks in London far more recently than there has been in Istanbul.

The danger of going to meet a stranger is dangerous anywhere, not turkey in particular. I may be biased as I've been with a Turkish man for 2 and a half years and he is NOTHING like the reputation that people seem to think is the norm there

Istanbul is safe. It's probably safer than London.

Your mum is an adult. I would leave it to her to decide. If you are really concerned, fly out with her.

Usually id say "Xxx is as dangerous as London" but the news says otherwise, plus that recent grusome murder of a journalist in an embassey is concerning, i've also got a friend who works in a political industry that involves her being in the war areas (wont say as outing) but she is VERY knowledgeable on the subject and says she cant even go into Istanbul anymore due to the risks. The political climate/government is the main concern. But any non-english speaking city can be dangerous for someone who doesn't speak the language and isnt experienced with travel IMO. Thank you for the opinions but the reason we reacted the way we did was that yes she is an adult but she had NO IDEA about potential risks. We had to spell out for her why going to his house was a bad idea

I know two people who did this - not the same country however.
One it's worked for - shes now married with a child and he's the kindest sweetest man you could wish for.
Other one
Is now £15000 down and devastated from the whole ordeal she will genuinely never be the same person again she was bubbly and confident now shes broken. And to be honest it's probably the more similar situation age wise ex marriage wise etc as your mum.
I think you need to ask her to ask herself:- why me? Out of the countless women the hotel hosts.

Any chance you could accompany her if she absoloutly insists?

If you have Netflix get her to watch Britain's worst taboos - there is a specific episode regarding a woman who was hoodwinked by a Turkish man - he murdered her and her mother in the end.

I'm not saying this man would do that or stereotyping all Turkish men but there is a very good physiologist on the programme who clearly describes the warning signs - if your mum decides to go this could really help her to stay safe.

Thank you,its good to know its not just me who thinks its a bad idea.
I also should have said this earlier but my DM has always looked very good for her age, easily gets mistaken for being MUCH younger than she is so its not unusual for her to draw mens attention, which doesnt help things.

Only saying this as she is so very vulnerable, hide/take her passport until the flights had been and gone.

There’s a documentary on YouTube called ‘I married the waiter’. It’s about various women who have married men they met abroad (mainly Turkish and Greek). Make her watch it.

She is unapproachable now so may wait a few days as othwrwise i agree with the PP that id just push her away but i will make note of those ideas!

Also as another add on, i dont live with her. Im about 30 mins away but will try and see her this week if she actually will talk or see me :/

Istanbul is pretty safe generally, same as most large cities (lived there for some years). I don't see anything wrong with your mum going there, and it's a wonderful place, but she shouldn't stay in his house. If he is decent he will understand. Then she can go out with him, and see how things go.

@Olivermumsarmy

The UK doesn’t recognise Turkish marriages as they can’t divorce.

Neither of this absurd statements are true. Check the UK Gov site.

Tbh, the fact that she has decided not to go would make me wonder if she was beginning to realise the folly of her planned trip, but too proud to back down. She can now let you and your sibs ‘take the blame’, rather than admit to herself that it was stupid to even consider this.
Good save there, Op.

Don't worry about her being mad at you OP - you have absolutely done the right thing. We've all heard of how these types of "romances" end.