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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my sons friends when I’m worried

68 replies

DaniEvans · 17/11/2018 19:04

Hi ladies, this is my first post

Just wondered if you think IABU

My DS is 13 and is an outdoors type - always out with his friends- hardly in.

He’s absolutely useless at answering his phone and sometimes if it’s dark and I’m not sure where he is naturally I give him a call- (I text first) he never answers which really annoys me

There have been occasions where I’ve been beside myself worrying so I’ll call one (or more) of his friends to see if they know where he is. (We have an iPad which has all his contact info in)

I’ve told my DS on many occasions to answer his phone or at least text me but nothing! My argument is if he answered his phone I wouldn’t need to contact his friends

My DH thinks this is an absolute no no as he’s then mortified when his friends are like ‘yeah your mum has been phoning me!’
AIBU?

OP posts:

mum11970 · 17/11/2018 19:58

Your 13 year old is out until 9 pm! Not a chance of that being allowed here. Ds (13) is in when it gets dark, unless he’s in someone’s house. He’s the youngest of five and we’re pretty relaxed on curfews, been there and got every t-shirt but nope to staying out on the streets until that time. There is absolutely no need for a 13 year old to hanging round the streets in the dark. In answer to your actual question no I don’t think ringing his friends is unreasonable. If he wants you to stop doing it he can answer his own phone but continually not answer his phone would end up with not being allowed out as a consequence here.

Greensleeves · 17/11/2018 19:59

I think out until 9pm is fine at thirteen, but for me it's on the condition that he is contactable at all times - if he doesn't answer his phone, he's in trouble. I would also expect to know where he is going and with whom.

OksanaAstankova · 17/11/2018 20:05

I wouldn't take his phone away, I'd stop him from going out! I don't know of any 13 year olds (and I've had 4 of my own) who are allowed out until 9pm unless specifically invited to a friend's house.

RingtheBells · 17/11/2018 20:07

I also think 9 is fine st that age but he must text you if you ask him too, the teen years are quite worrying when they start going out in the evenings and sometimes forget to be in contact, unfortunately it doesn’t seem to get much better as they get a bit older and you are wondering where they are. You are right to text his friends though if he doesn’t answer

Aridane · 17/11/2018 20:08

Oh how mortifying

GeorgeTheHippo · 17/11/2018 20:09

I think you need to sort this out with him and stop involving his friends. I also think nine is very late.

If you want to know where he is then set ground rules. If he doesn't keep to them then he doesn't go out. No phoning. No messing about.

blueskiesandforests · 17/11/2018 20:12

Why does he turn his data off? What does he say?

When you say "he goes out anyway" do you mean without permission or with permission jyst without his phone?

GreenTulips · 17/11/2018 20:13

Surely this depends where you live?

9PM is ok round here for teens - otherwise they'd be out on their own!

The trouble makers stay out til midnight!

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2018 20:16

also he goes out anyway and of course knowing he hasn’t got a phone is then even more worrying for me.

So basically he does what he likes?

Ginseng1 · 17/11/2018 20:17

13 yr old shouldn't be 'out' til 9 with u not knowing where he is. So yanbu if he not answering n he supposed to be home! What do 13yr olds do 'out' after dark in winter if they not at people's houses or at an activity or something? Hang about the streets?

Greensleeves · 17/11/2018 20:18

Agree GreenTulips. I don't know any 13yos who aren't allowed out until 9 at the weekend.

RingtheBells · 17/11/2018 20:22

DS had to be in about 9 at 13 and iirc when I was 13 I had to be in about 9 also, of course all my friends were allowed out until 10 as they are. No mobiles in those days either

TatianaLarina · 17/11/2018 20:29

There’s no way I’d have a 13 year old out if I didn’t know where they were.

If I had to start ringing round friends to find out, he’d be grounded. And I’d make no apology for ‘embarrassing’ him - he brought it on himself.

You need a GPS tracker.

diddl · 17/11/2018 20:33

If he's allowed out until 9pm then surely you don't need to phone him until he's not in by then?

CJsGoldfish · 17/11/2018 20:41

No way my 13 yr old was ever going to be 'hanging around' anywhere until 9pm. And none of them did. At that age we still sat down for dinner together most nights.

If my 13 yr old did not answer my call or txt at all, they wouldn't go out. Simple.

Sounds like this teen pretty much does what he likes but I don't see an issue with calling his friends if he ignores you calling. Perfectly fine consequence for his lack of regard.

For the preachy MN who think 13yo shouldn't be out in the dark get over yourselves it's dark by 4pm at this time of year
So? Anyone who thinks 9pm is fine for a bunch of teens to hang out wherever, good luck. I don't,so mine didn't.
Were you also the 'oh I only feed Tarquin organic Home steamed broccoli florets hand picked from our own allotment' type?
Nope. Not at all. But I did find the teen years to be a breeze for the most part.

lalalalyra · 17/11/2018 20:52

If mine turn off their data to deliberately disable find a friend then they'd have their phone taken off them and they are not allowed out without a phone...

Same with ringing round because he's late - what consequence is there for him being late other than that embarassment?

I'm quite lax according to many with my curfews, but I'm absolutely draconian (according to the kids, and some other parents lol) with sanctions for being late. The only exception is a phone call with a proper explanation - so the time they were on the bus home and it broke down that was ok, but the rest of the time they are grounded for a week for a night for every 5 minutes they are late, then after 20 minutes a week for every 5 minutes. It used to be a week for being late, but what happened then was if they were 10 minutes late they just staying out longer as they were grounded anyway so might as well.

If he doesn't answer your phone when you ring about pizza then he doesn't get pizza.

SaucyJack · 17/11/2018 20:59

I do this all the time! My 13 year old’s friends are all well-brought yo kids tho, and they speak nicely to other parents (as does my own I hope!).

I don’t let her wander the streets until 9 tho. At an activity? Fine. At a friends on the weekend? Fine. But not hanging out round the Co-op or whatevs.

Lellochip · 17/11/2018 21:14

My mum was still doing this in my 30s! Once answered a call at work (in an organisation with approx 5000 members of staff) from someone I didn't know, in a completely different department & location. "I've got your mum on the line, she couldn't get hold of you" She obviously just googled a random number for the company, and luckily we have a phone system he could look me up on. Was so embarrassed

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