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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call my sons friends when I’m worried

68 replies

DaniEvans · 17/11/2018 19:04

Hi ladies, this is my first post

Just wondered if you think IABU

My DS is 13 and is an outdoors type - always out with his friends- hardly in.

He’s absolutely useless at answering his phone and sometimes if it’s dark and I’m not sure where he is naturally I give him a call- (I text first) he never answers which really annoys me

There have been occasions where I’ve been beside myself worrying so I’ll call one (or more) of his friends to see if they know where he is. (We have an iPad which has all his contact info in)

I’ve told my DS on many occasions to answer his phone or at least text me but nothing! My argument is if he answered his phone I wouldn’t need to contact his friends

My DH thinks this is an absolute no no as he’s then mortified when his friends are like ‘yeah your mum has been phoning me!’ Confused
AIBU?

OP posts:
SpottingTheZebras · 17/11/2018 19:20

Calling his friends to know about ordering a pizza is not on. However, when he doesn’t come home at the agreed time and doesn’t answer his phone, I think it is perfectly acceptable.

user1457017537 · 17/11/2018 19:20

Keep tabs on him you would be surprised what 13 year olds get up to. Be the embarrassing mum he will thank you in the long run.

MemoryOfSleep · 17/11/2018 19:20

I'd take his phone off him as a consequence. He's not using it for what it's meant to be used for. If he wants a phone he needs to answer it.

Notatallobvious · 17/11/2018 19:21

I would be wanting to know exactly where he his until 9pm and what he's up to. If he's not willing to answer his phone then he stays in, simple as that.

SilverApples · 17/11/2018 19:27

I think you are being perfectly reasonable, he needs to give you a quick text to let you know where he is, and if he’s late then he also tells you as soon as he can. If he doesn’t want to be embarrassed, then he follows the rules. My children are in their 20s now, after a few blips in their teens, they understood.
MN is full of adult women whinging that their partners are uncontactable, late home, missing with mates. Worrying, angry women. The responses are often that he doesn’t care, is disrespectful or shagging someone else.
Or possibly that they are stuck in the same mindset as your 13year old, and no one ever taught them differently.

blackcat86 · 17/11/2018 19:29

You need to have some really clear rules and expectations OP. DSS is 14 and I would be horrified if he was out until 9pm just hanging around especially on a school night and after dark. If he had a scheduled axriciry I might feel different but I'd go and pick him up. Surely you're telling him that if he doesn't answer and turns off the locator then he loses his phone and is grounded right? Or are you just chasing him down every night and then worrying. Also surely he's home for dinner and not eating at 9pm?

littlemisscomper · 17/11/2018 19:29

There are a lot of 'relaxed' parents on here! Personally I think he's taking the piss! You've asked him to check in with you, which he's just ignored. That's really rude and a breach of your trust. Why don't you set up some consequences OP?

MrsStrowman · 17/11/2018 19:30

He's 13 out until nine and you don't even know where he is?! If he's at an activity, youth club or friend's house that's one thing, but he's just roaming the streets until that time, why is he turning his data off? I'd be concerned about this OP

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/11/2018 19:31

I've told my boys that if they don't answer the phone to me, or ring me back after noticing that I've rung, then I will not pay for their phones. If they're late home and haven't rung to say they'll be late, complete with reasonable explanation of why they're late, then they don't get to go out again until I feel they can be trusted.
I don't know anything about a find a friend function, but if I did and they'd deliberately turned it off then that also would be grounds for not being allowed out again for a while.

In short, me ringing their friends would be the least of their worries.

LL83 · 17/11/2018 19:31

YANBU if he is late and not answering.

Also ds will surely ask you to stop if he is embarrassed at which point you can explain he needs to be on time and answer phone.

Also if he is late frequently I would have a consequence e.g. not out tomorrow/in by 8pm next wk.

I understand you not knowing exactly where he is. It is normal to know who they are with and limits to where he is allowed but not exact movements.

GreenTulips · 17/11/2018 19:32

Get him a smart watch instead

AtiaoftheJulii · 17/11/2018 19:33

Absolutely agree with SilverApples.

Maybe make it very explicit - you are allowed out till 9, but I want an answer to my phone call or text at 7 saying where you are, otherwise I will start phoning around - and if I have to do that, you won't be going out next time.

Serialweightwatcher · 17/11/2018 19:36

I did and still do ... I don't care if it does embarrass them - they need to learn to answer the phone or texts and if they don't then of course I will ring friends

poppingalf · 17/11/2018 19:38

If he cannot manage to answer his phone, then he cannot go out with his friends, surely that's the solution. Sure he'd start picking it up if he only had that option - assuming you're not ringing him constantly of course

Shadow1234 · 17/11/2018 19:38

I would just tell him straight - that if he doesnt answer his phone, then you will continue to embarrass him by ringing his friends - ball is in his court then! (fair compromise, as he will get the choice to either be responsible or be embarrased). Better to be safe than sorry!

blueskiesandforests · 17/11/2018 19:38

Surely you tell him that he's not back in time and not answering his phone the consequence is that you phone his friends. Then it's his own fault and in his hands.

Don't call his friends to see if he wants pizza, just him. His lookout if he misses out on pizza.

If he's late and not answering his phone all bets are off though and you phone who you want.

I have a 13 year old and no way would she be out in the dark til 9 for no special reason though. In the summer holidays when its light then yes, but not when its pitch dark.

You should know where he is when its pitch dark - home, or at a friend's and you know, at the cinema and you know, on the floodlit football pitch and you know, at youth club and you know - all fine. Kicking about and could be anywhere in the dark at 9pm isn't ok at 13.

ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike · 17/11/2018 19:43

For the preachy MN who think 13yo shouldn't be out in the dark get over yourselves it's dark by 4pm at this time of year.
Were you also the 'oh I only feed Tarquin organic Home steamed broccoli florets hand picked from our own allotment' type?
My eldest regularly forgot to pick up his phone, so I took his phone off him. It took him just 12 hours to beg for its immediate return, he never allows a phonecall to go unanswered now.
Know what they prize and promise to remove it and do so when they don't do as they are told
Raising teenagers nightmare

Feefeetrixabelle · 17/11/2018 19:48

He gives you an expected time home. If he’s late you’ll wait 15 mins and text. He then has 15 minutes to let you know where he is or you will ring his friends. If he doesn’t want to be embarrassed then he needs to sort himself out

allthingsred · 17/11/2018 19:49

I'm with you op. My dd goes out with her friends I need to know who with where she's going & what time back. If she is late or doesn't answer her phone i will ring her friends. If she doesn't want the embarrasment she will pick up or ring back.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 17/11/2018 19:49

I wouldn't ring his friends ..unless it was a real emergency...if you keep ringing them for reasons like pizza, eventually you could cry wolf, and find your number is blocked and you have fucked yourself

I would say to him that he must answer your texts though, especially if you are the ones paying for his phone..as that is a bit inconsiderate, it only takes ten seconds to respond 'OK Thanks' or similar

MariaWaria · 17/11/2018 19:50

When DS was 13 we somehow got into a situation where he was staying out late 9pm, sometimes later, in an area a couple of miles away from where we live, but where his friends lived.

After a few episodes where I didn't know where he was and he wasn't answering his phone, I realised I'd facilitated this situation and stopped enabling it. (I'd been dropping him off; collecting him; giving him money etc). Confused

When I stopped enabling he mostly stopped wanting to go out at night. I think he was glad I'd put a stop to it without making it a big issue.

Original poster
DaniEvans · 17/11/2018 19:50

I’m reluctant to take his phone off him as in the past it hasn’t improved things, also he goes out anyway and of course knowing he hasn’t got a phone is then even more worrying for me.

We’re pretty relaxed as he has a good circle of friends and seems happy and popular

We’re not really a family that sit down and have dinner together for various reasons so I ensure he eats when he’s home from school then he reheats his dinner at 9 when he gets in.

OP posts:
namechanged0983 · 17/11/2018 19:52

My son is 13 and there is no chance in hell he'd be allowed out until 9pm especially if I had no clue where he was AND he was turning off his data so I couldn't locate him.

No wonder he's "popular".

Get a grip on your parenting.

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/11/2018 19:56

I think at 13 he needs to realise that lots of pare Mrs wouldn't allow him out (As shown by this thread) and that if he wants to retain that privilege, he answers his phone to you, every single time.

Alexandra2018 · 17/11/2018 19:57

I do this all the time! Dd is useless with her phone and forgets it everyone I text all her friends to check on her