DS will only sleep on me.

[Geargee]

We have a 4 week old DS.

He's a bit colicky and grumpy and cluster feeding. If I pass him to DH or DSD he won't settle, whines and isn't happy until he's passed back to me.

DH and DSD are becoming frustrated with this. DH thinks his son doesn't love him (I've explained that a 4 week old doesn't love anything other than milk and cuddles). DH is outwardly jealous and I feel guilty taking him back every time he cries. I have to though, otherwise he will scream. As soon as I take him he's fine.

AIBU to feel anxious about this? I feel like I'm on eggshells with DH because I'm made to feel guilty every time I take my son (not intentionally, DH just sighs or makes a 'no I didn't think you'd want me comment every time)

Is it normal for a baby to only want his mum?

It's hard for me too. I'd love him to just fall asleep and be content with other people but he's just...not...

Totally normal. My DD was like this and it drove me potty, i was SO touched out and just wanted a shower and a nap without DH hovering at the door with a screaming baby. She outgrew it though, and now she's DH's little shadow . You could try things like your partner having a top you've worn on his shoulder while he cuddles your son?

@HopeAndJoy16 sounds like a good idea! DH thinks he loves me more than him. It really isn't love. It's just that I have boobs!

Yes, it’s very normal especially if you are bf. You are literally the one thing they know that keeps them alive. It’s an evolutionary survival instinct. But there are things your dh can do to strengthen that bond. It just isn’t automatic. My dh wore both of ours in a sling pretty much the whole time he was home every day before/after work. They get used to a new smell that way and the closeness with dad is just part of the normal routine. That takes work though, not just swooping in when it’s convenient and demanding to hold the baby.

Yes it's unfortunate but normal and it probably won't last that long. Has your DH tried putting him in a wrap so he is snuggled up really tight, that might make him feel more secure.

Or try giving DH a top you've worn to put on his chest so it smells like you?

Just suggested the t shirt thing to DH and he shut that idea down. Thinks it defeats the point and just makes DS think he's being held by me when he's not.

I don't want DH to feel jealous. It's frustrating and quite unattractive. I'm just trying my best to stay afloat. DH is really testing me! DS is only 4 weeks old. Surely any adult bloke can work out that he wants food and that's about it!

It doesn’t bode well that he’s shutting down solutions. Ask him what’s more important, his pride or his relationship with his son. See what he says to that.

@Blanchedupetitpois his pride by the looks of things! I'm so fed up. I'm up 24/7 trying to feed, get the hang of things, have had no sleep, nipples hurt, I'm still bleeding, boobs are painful, can't even take a shit as my piles are so bad and DH is adding more stress by acting like his son doesn't love him. Sorry for the rant but it's cathartic to let it out and I'm annoyed DH shut down my potential solution!

He needs to grow the fuck up, FGS. An adult man and father should be able to put his pride aside and accept that yes, a barely-out baby wants the smell and voice he's known for 9 months (and the milk). He should not be adding to your stress by acting like a child about it.

I recommend losing your shit at him. Or let him read this comment. You do not need this.

He's pressuring me to let DSD to hold him too. She can hold him to her heart's content when he's quiet. He got annoyed at me when I JUST took him off her when he was moaning and put him on my boob. What am I supposed to do? Leave him until he cries? She gets to hold him a couple of times a day for at least 30 mins each. Isn't that enough for a 7yo? He's not a doll! I'm so frustrated. He's really annoyed me this evening.

If I take him off DSD when he's not crying I'm accused of being 'stingy' because he wasn't crying. It's like I'm only allowed to hold my own child without guilt when he's desperate for food. I should be allowed to hold him when he's quiet and contended too. It's like pass the bloody baby it's doing my head in!!!

He's being immature
He needs to get over himself

Sorry for drip feeding. I really am just fed up and exhausted.

Is it bad to let DSD hold 4 week old DS for 30 mins and take him back simply because I want to? Or am I being awful doing that? I mean am I supposed to wait until he starts crying? Am I just the baby soother and everyone else gets nice cuddles? I'm probably ranting to nobody here. Think baby blues have finally got to me.

geargee I have no useful suggestions but am sending positive thoughts your way. I personally do not feel you are mean at all, you just grew a human and are bloody well entitled to the good parts... also, your dh is an arse and needs to show you far more support!

Oh god Geargee YADNBU! I have no suggestions but completely understand and remember the emotional and physical rollercoaster of the first few months.
I think 30 minutes is plenty long enough for a 7 year old to be holding a newborn, and you sd will have to just learn that if baby needs feeding then he goes back to you. I'm sure the novelty will wear off! The nagging from your dp sounds frustrating too

He needs to get a grip
Am sat with our third aged one and he is still like this this week thanks to his immunisations. .my husband chops my food up, holds my drink to my mouth, runs me a bath then brings the baby in and hands him to me for a nice warm bath so I get a bit of a relax then the baby does too.
He doesn’t get huffy he just deals with it
Sorry you are so tired. It is overwhelming but you are the centre of his world. It really isn’t forever. 💐

Your baby is not a toy! Shut HIM down, when DH starts whining. Your baby needs you to advocate for him - he wants his mummy, not to be passed around like a parcel or a puppy. You don’t have to share him or take turns with a 7 year old - tell him straight that it’s very important for your baby to have one main primary caregiver in the first months, and that’s you, especially if you’re breastfeeding. Pull your big girl pants on, stiffen your spine and tell him straight to stop acting like a teenager who has had his PlayStation taken away, as it’s incredibly unattractive.

You can do what the fuck you want to do. You grew him, you pushed him out. There is a massive place for fathers in a baby"s life - but not really at 4 weeks old.
Giving a 7 year old an hr of cuddles a day is loads. Really. Loads.

I have a 9 week old and am fucked off on your behalf. Babies don't know love. They know fear, hunger, hot, cold, dirty, windy. And as far as they are.concerned MUM is the solution. Because you have been part of each other for 40 weeks. You are all he knows.

Show your DH this thread. I am quite happy to tell him to grow the fuck up. The only emotion he should feel is concern for you given its all on you at the moment.

What a wang.

You're right in what you're doing. Feeding on demand is important for bf babies, they're harder to feed if you wait until they're crying. You're supposed to get them when they start making rooting motions for smacking their lips etc. If you want some space, consider going to stay with your mum or someone for a couple of nights so you can just concentrate on your baby. Your husband is being very unhelpful and doesn't seem to understand that actually his needs aren't all that important right now.

Ps. You are doing so well. It is fucking fucking hard. I know.

It's not about your DH or DSD. I had this with DHs cousin's kids (7 & 9) who are used to always getting their own way. I popped DD on their lap for a couple of mins and that was more than enough for their age. They whined at their mum to have her more and I actually left in the end with DD because the more they whined and played up the less confident I felt in them holding her. Do what you need to do and if you need to go all tiger mum on DH then do it.

Your husband is being horrid.

I have a 17 month old and she still prefers me. That’s just the way it is. As she gets older she is tolerating her dad more but in the early days she would just scream for me. My husband didn’t get jealous though. He is slightly disappointed but just accepts that he’ll have to wait a bit longer for her to be more of a ‘daddy’s girl.’ I also have 2 older children and they have never held the baby for 30 minutes at a time. Ever. She still loves them now. More than she loves her dad probably!

Just to let you know you’re doing everything right, it sounds like your husband is being a bit silly and he needs to accept that baby primarily will need his mummy, there are a couple of things that could help though.

1. It may sound odd, but has your husband tried skin to skin with the baby? It’s not just for mums and baby’s and it might get baby used to husband.
2. Do you have a blanket for baby that smells of you? If you do maybe he could be swaddled in that while hubby is holding him?

It takes a few months for the baby to realise he is separated from you that’s why he only wants you at the moment, but as you have mentioned it does help when other people such as your husband can give you half an hour to have a shower, go to the loo or even eat a hot dinner, or dare I even say it, drink a hot cup of tea!

I also think 30 minutes is ample amount of time for a 7 year old to hold the baby and you need to do what is best for your son especially if you’re bf, it’s harder to get a baby to latch when they’re screaming their head off, much better to do it when they’re only fussing. You sound like you are doing a good job and your ds will be thriving because of all the hard work you’re putting in xxx

So so normal. Im sure its hard for hubby but newborns are wired to want to be close to mum. When baby interacts more and is interested in more than boob and sleep they will be able to build relationship