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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About ex and xmas. Gah

49 replies

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:26

Just namechanged as identifiable, but been here years.

Ex and I live in same area and have a relatively amicable relationship in theory, and muddle along. His GF lives about an hour's drive away.

In the past we've spent time together with the kids on xmas day, for present opening and lunch. Kids like it that way, but I understand if he wouldn't want to see me, but so far it's been fine.

This year I asked about arrangements and he said he'd come over in the morning for presents, then we could have lunch at his. Fine and as expected (I did it last year). I told the kids the plan.

Now he says his GF might be available and if so he won't do the morning but come back from hers in time to do the lunch.

I know some people divide xmas up and the kids have to do one then the other. It's not that I require us all to be together or that I have anything against the GF. It's just dropping his kids for his GF on Xmas day? He will go to hers in the evening anyway, after the lunch with the DC. He doesn't have to be there in the morning.

He's always dropping the DC for her but this has pissed me right off. When I tried to calmly point out that he had said he'd be there in the morning and they were expecting it, he just acted like he was being totally reasonable to change his plan and refused to see my point. Which makes be think maybe IABU.

Just wanted a moan really. Angry

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 17/11/2018 12:39

tbf if you got a new partner would you still be inviting ex round for xmas lunch? doubt it

MumW · 17/11/2018 12:40

Could you invite the Gf to the present opening and lunch or have the DC not met her yet?

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:42

Yes, but I suppose I'm unusual. It's not that I want to see ex, it's that the kids want to do presents and lunch with both of us. I think exes should be able to do that ideally, but I know a lot of people don't agree and TBH, if he refused to do that (with some notice) that would be fine.

What annoys me is saying he would do it, then getting a better offer and dropping the kids. It's the message to them - he'd rather see her on Christmas morning. The will notice and mind, they're not tiny.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:45

Could you invite the Gf to the present opening and lunch or have the DC not met her yet?

Oh yes they've met her, from very early on, because he sees her at any opportunity and just drags them along. They get upset that he prioritises her.

But yes I would be fine with her being invited, I like her. The trouble is ex doesn't like us hanging out together so tends to engineer that not to happen.

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 17/11/2018 12:48

Then I think now it is not working for you anymore you should switch to every other year as is more usual as you yourself indicate.

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:53

I know. Kids will be upset though and may refuse to spend xmas with him only.

But the point is we had this arrangement for this year and he just shat on it for the chance to spend a few hours with GF. It's his kids on xmas day. It's not about whether I'm there or not really.

OP posts:
bigchris · 17/11/2018 12:57

Hmmm I can see both sides , how old are the kids ?

maddiemookins16mum · 17/11/2018 12:58

I think you’re kind of dictating to him what to do, he’s your ex. I also wonder if the kids (what ages?) are picking up on your cues/comments about the gf.

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:58

one young teen, one preteen

OP posts:
Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:01

I didn't dictate though, I asked. If he'd said "I don't want us to do xmas together any more because of GF" I would have been OK with that and worked with it. He said he would come and be with them on xmas morning. I told them that. He now says if his GF is available he won't.

I take the point about my cues, but generally it's more them complaining about him prioritising her, and me trying to smooth it over. But yes I do find him very frustrating so I guess it shows.

OP posts:
mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:01

Things change.

I can see why he wants them to, tbh.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/11/2018 13:03

tbf if you got a new partner would you still be inviting ex round for xmas lunch? doubt it

Why? Ex, his parents and his DW and her DC come here for Christmas lunch every year, it means we both get Christmas Day with DS1, plus he gets the best of both worlds with his parents in one place. It's totally fine to spend it with new partners and old.

Aridane · 17/11/2018 13:04

YABU

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:05

But then why not just say he wants to them to change? He didn't. He said he'd come here to be with the kids, then said "Oh GF might be here, in that case sod the kids".

But you are all right, IABU about the whole arrangement and it's not workable.

But it's me who will have to say let's not do it any more, because he won't. Then I'll be the bad guy and he'l tell the kis it was me who stopped it Hmm

Sorry I really am just feeling sorry for myself and had a stressful week and his attitude got to me. IABU.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2018 13:06

He’s not dropping out of lunch and that’s one of the main features of the day. You can do presents with them in the morning, have lunch all together, he can do presents in the afternoon.

I can see you’re annoyed but he’s not binning off Xmas with his children, he’s balancing his relationships with all of his loved ones and that includes his romantic relationship with her. If he cancelled completely and said he was seeing her instead then you’d be right to be very upset and aggrieved on the DC behalf but it’s not a massive change. You say the DC aren’t little so the Xmas morning routine may not mean as much as with very young ones.

Think about it as having them all to yourself for a special Xmas breakfast and your gifts, a family lunch if that works for everyone, dad time in the afternoon while you put your feet up and have a break.

Where are they sleeping on Xmas night?

Change in inevitable and okay. Try to embrace it and not put your frustrations onto the DC.

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:08

Idontbelieveinthemoon thank you, that's what I'd like to be able to do in an ideal world. But everyone has to be on board and I know a lot of people find it a weird concept.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2018 13:11

" it's more them complaining about him prioritising her, and me trying to smooth it over."

Then stop trying to smooth it over. Let him explain it to them and deal with the fallout.

I'm not saying to be nasty about it or criticise in front of the DC. Just refer them to him for questions or complaints.

MrsStrowman · 17/11/2018 13:15

@ShePoopsAConker my parents split when I was young, DF came over on Christmas Eve, we'd do all the stuff we used to do, he would sleep in the bottom bunk of DBs room, we'd get up do presents, breakfast etc all of us, then all four of us would go to maternal GPs for the day just like we always did with loads of aunts, uncles, cousins, sister beds and blow ups everywhere kids top and tailing etc, parents always got on fine, my mum's family got on very well with my dad. Then boxing Day we'd get up and all four of us would go to paternal GPs which was a bit more formal/less crowded/chaotic but still nice, until they both passed away (I was about 13 by then) so then on boxing Day we'd all go home and have neighbours/friends to visit for a buffet etc. It is perfectly possible for exes to spend time together as a family over Xmas, but you're right everyone has to be on board.
Invite GF as you get along with her, then the ball is firmly in his court

LizzieSiddal · 17/11/2018 13:17

He’s an idiot. If he’d come to and said “things will be different this year”and sorted things out with you, I’m sure you would have been fine. It’s the fact hes changed the arrangements after the dc have been told.

Whatever you do op, make him tell his dc that he’s changed his mind.

Alfie190 · 17/11/2018 13:19

I think you need to find a new normal and your children are old enough to understand. The two of you may both remarry one day, in which case I am sure you would not be expecting to have Christmas Day together.

Original poster
ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:20

Where are they sleeping on Xmas night?

That's still up in the air. It's officially his night with them but he arranged to go to GF's instead, but they might go with him or stay here.

Thanks to those who empathise Flowers

I am just feeling teary and fucked off. It may be PMT

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 17/11/2018 13:21

I would love to see my son every Christmas Day. I get him every other year.

Better that you start the transitioning now. You are very lucky you get on with the new gf.
I would keep the children at yours, even if their dad isn’t there in the morning. Next year he could suggest that they go to his, and you should establish that the constant is Christmas morning at mummy’s

KingPrawnBalls · 17/11/2018 13:24

I get your point, especially the morning and present opening, but not Xmas lunch, can't think of anything worse with my exh!

ReanimatedSGB · 17/11/2018 13:24

I can see both sides too - and I agree with you that the main issue is he initially agreed to the usual arrangement and has suddenly said that, basically, his GF is more important than his DC. He would be showing more sense, politeness and grace if he said to you: can we change the arrangements for next year because I would like to spend a bit more of Xmas with my GF.

Though I wonder why he doesn't like you and her to spend time together. Is he worried you will support each other against him when he's being a dick, or does he have the sort of ego that demands women fight over him and see each other as rivals for his immense specialness?

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:25

I get my kids every other year on Christmas day.

The last thing I would want would be my ex in the middle of it. I have a boyfriend and it just would be so unbearably uncomfortable to have them both here at the same time, no matter how well we coparent ,having a new person on the scene who is likely to be a permanent feature, a serious relationship ,changes things a lot.