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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About ex and xmas. Gah

49 replies

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 12:26

Just namechanged as identifiable, but been here years.

Ex and I live in same area and have a relatively amicable relationship in theory, and muddle along. His GF lives about an hour's drive away.

In the past we've spent time together with the kids on xmas day, for present opening and lunch. Kids like it that way, but I understand if he wouldn't want to see me, but so far it's been fine.

This year I asked about arrangements and he said he'd come over in the morning for presents, then we could have lunch at his. Fine and as expected (I did it last year). I told the kids the plan.

Now he says his GF might be available and if so he won't do the morning but come back from hers in time to do the lunch.

I know some people divide xmas up and the kids have to do one then the other. It's not that I require us all to be together or that I have anything against the GF. It's just dropping his kids for his GF on Xmas day? He will go to hers in the evening anyway, after the lunch with the DC. He doesn't have to be there in the morning.

He's always dropping the DC for her but this has pissed me right off. When I tried to calmly point out that he had said he'd be there in the morning and they were expecting it, he just acted like he was being totally reasonable to change his plan and refused to see my point. Which makes be think maybe IABU.

Just wanted a moan really.

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 17/11/2018 13:25

He is in a new relationship and so now it's time for things to change. You could split the day or do every other year. It sounds like you've dictated how Christmas should be and don't want to change as it suits you.

The children have been old enough for a while to understand that Christmas may vary each year as their parents are separated.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:26

And FFs it's only the middle of November. it's not as if he's changing things with a day to go - it's still over a month til Christmas. You won't have peeled the spuds just yet.

CandyCreeper · 17/11/2018 13:27

Why? Ex, his parents and his DW and her DC come here for Christmas lunch every year, it means we both get Christmas Day with DS1, plus he gets the best of both worlds with his parents in one place. It's totally fine to spend it with new partners and old.

well thats an unusual set up, most exes alternate christmases. most people wouldn't want to spend xmas with their ex.

Seaweed42 · 17/11/2018 13:30

Why don't you say to him that you two should ask the kids what they would like to happen on Xmas day? They might be more adaptable than you think or care much less about who is where at what time than you do.
It's really about How can we make Xmas day a fun and enjoyable day for everyone, where we get to spend some time with the people we love and not be too stressed about the arrangements?
He did not use the words 'sod the kids' that's your interpretation.

Andro · 17/11/2018 13:30

YANBU! You had made arrangements for Christmas day, your ex had agreed these arrangements (I highly doubt he was waterboarded or otherwise tortured into agreeing!). Now he's had a 'better offer' and is refusing to honour the commitment he previously made, that's not only going to be hurtful to his dc it sets a bad example.

Perhaps it is time for the Christmas arrangements to change, but you do that at the initial planning stage, not after the fact.

Original poster

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:30

Reanimated, I don't know because when he was with me, he was desperate for me to be mates with his exes, though I didn't really like them or want to.

Not he is very uneasy when I see his GF briefly (for example during a pick-up). I have offered to do certain occasions with us both there for practical reasons and he'll do anything to avoid it.

Since one of the reasons I left him was his lying and self-aggrandising, I wonder if he maybe hasn't been totally honest with her about why we split up, and has painted me in a bad light and him in a great one, and he doesn't want us to get chatting.

OP posts:

TheTroublesomestTribble · 17/11/2018 13:32

I hear you OP, and I think a lot of pp are deliberately missing your point.

Had this been the plan from the off, no problem, it is the fact that he has changed his mind once he received a better offer - I can see why you're annoyed.

I do think though, that he has a point, but maybe he didn't quite think it through before agreeing to the original plan?

If so, that is a dropped ball on his behalf, but he's only human, and this is uncharted water for all of you. Perhaps cut him a bit of slack? I expect you will also inadvertently do something 'wrong' at some point, might be worth getting some goodwill in the bank for the future and letting this one go?

He should be the one to tell the DCs though - he WBVU to expect you to smooth things over for him.

Original poster

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:34

KingPrawnBalls I don't love it either, it's just what the kids want.

Seaweed thanks, that's a good idea.

mylightbulbmoment you are right, it's not last-minute and could still change again. I need to calm down.

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Birdsgottafly · 17/11/2018 13:37

" it's that the kids want to do presents and lunch with both of us"

They are old enough to explain to them why that can't continue.

They can be consulted, as long as you are confident that it isn't going to spoil the day for you, if they pick the GF coming as well. And as long as you are going to stay single. Better to face reality now, than during a major rebellious stage.

He's definitely painted a different picture to her.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:39

You know what? See all this "he's definitely painted a different picture to her" -well, it might be true, but it might not. My ex has a very different view to the end of our relationship as to the one I do. I have told my BF my view, he has told his GF his view. That doesn't mean either of us are lying, just that we have different views on what happened.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2018 13:39

Reading your last post, I think that's exactly why he doesn't want her around you. Not necessarily that he's put you in a bad light, just that he may have 'exaggerated the truth' about himself and doesn't want her to find out that he wasn't class valedictorian, didn't rescue a kitten from a tree, etc.

The situation is sucky. But what would really piss me off is that he's keeping everyone hanging fire over this because his gf 'might' be available. It would def make me feel as if I was his 'fallback plan', you know?

What do the DC know at this point?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2018 13:41

Clarification:

It would def make me feel as if I was his 'fallback plan' if I were the DC, you know?

Foreverexhausted · 17/11/2018 13:41

I think this is the start of things to come.

Up until now your Christmas arrangement has worked but something has changed this year. Perhaps either he or his GF want to do things differently this year, perhaps their relationship has changed and she has a greater importance in his life than she had before, perhaps she wants to spend Christmas day with him, perhaps he feels your children aren't little anymore so dividing up the day so he spends either/or morning/afternoon with them is enough.

The reason I say this is the start of things to come is because something has clearly changed and you may find by next year he wants to alternate Christmas day rather than 'share' it with you. I know you will find this hard but it isn't unusual and I know some people manage to all get together with exes on Christmas day etc but the majority of people don't. And the majority of people want to spend the day with their current partner/wife/husband and alternate Christmas with their ex.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:44

I do Christmas Eve and Day on year and swap at 8/9pm and then have them come to be Christmas Day at 8/9pm and do Boxing Day the next year.

My kids are older now, and I remember how awful it felt not to have them on Christmas morning, but honestly, it's better for the kids in the longer term to have a more equal share of Christmas times with the other side of their family.

And I hate my ex, and hate his family, but I'm quite prepared to "swap" this year because they have some family issues on his side and it is the right thing to do. Albeit I never thought you'd see the day I'd say that. Christmas Day is just one day and it's really not worth upsetting an otherwise good amicable co-parenting relationship for.

Original poster

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:46

Acrossthepond, I'd just told them the initial plan, then he mentioned his change of plan, and I asked him what the latest was, and he said he's still waiting to se if GF will be free - so as there's no fixed outcome yet I hadn't updated them. However he did agree to discuss it with them which is good.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:49

Christmas Day is just one day

I totally agree, the thing is that's not so much how kids see it. He could say "It's just one day, it doesn't matter if I don't see GF until later, I'll prioritise my kids because it matters to them." And it upset me that he couldn't see that.

But stepping back I do agree they can cope with us changing the set-up in general.

OP posts:

californiascreaming · 17/11/2018 13:50

At the ages they are I would start letting them see the real him and stop trying to make him look good. Yes they will be disappointed he's not there to see them open their presents but sounds like they are already starting to see that he's crap and willing to drop them.
Just offer lots of reassurance from you that you will always be there for them.
Happy families doesn't mean both you and him there, a happy family is what you build for the 3 of you.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:53

I get exactly what you're saying, but you don't know (nor should you) all the ins and outs of what the GF has going on at Christmas do you? He's maybe just trying to balance everyone - and he's still coming for the meal etc so he is not binning them off altogether.

Original poster

ShePoopsAConker · 17/11/2018 13:56

That is happening California. I just wish he wasn't crap I suppose.

Thanks for all the replies, it has really helped me think it through. I'm off for a bit now.

OP posts:

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 13:59

Oh I totally totally get the "I wish he wasn't crap" thought processes. but you can't protect them for ever you can mitigate, but there comes a point when you just can't protect them from his flaky crapness and they will have to figure it out for themselves and figure out how to navigate their relationship with him themselves as they get older.

Remember, they have a different sort of relationship with him than you do because he's their dad, not their partner, and what you see as crap and a big issue, because you're a partner, might not be as big an issue for them. And conversely, something that is minor to you, might be a big issue for them.

Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2018 14:09

@ShePoopsAConker

If it were me, I'd tell the DC that his plans are now up in the air until gf decides what she's doing. After all, what happens if she doesn't decide until Xmas Eve? Now they've been thinking all along that he's coming and have to adjust at the last minute.

BTW, I love your user name. Great play on words!

user1490465531 · 17/11/2018 14:12

it would be my personal nightmare to spend xmas with my ex but each to there own.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 17/11/2018 17:21

So, the only potential change to the plan would be that he wouldn't be at yours in the morning for presents? You would still go with the children to his for lunch? (Asking because you say he tries to keep you and current partner apart).

If so, I'd be breezy for now. It doesn't affect your own time with the kids. I think I'd just have a "fine, let me know when you know" attitude.

I suspect you will need a further conversation before next year's Christmas, as things are clearly changing and what always worked might not work again.

StarsHollow123 · 17/11/2018 19:12

YANBU at all. He has already said he will see hem in the morning. It is awful for him to change that now because he got a better offer. It's his kids on Christmas Day ffs.

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