Etiquette re Christmas greetings to ex in laws?

[silvercuckoo]

Hello all,
I am divorced with two young children. Last time their father showed interest / had contact with them was last Christmas (so presumably managed this). He just wrote to me informing that he won't see them until Easter.
I am wondering now, do I have to send cards / presents / chocolates in the children's names to ex-in-laws? Christmas is huge in their family, but they are not in contact with the children otherwise.
The children are not of age when they can make this decision themselves.

No, if he wants his kids to buy his family gifts then he should arrange that

I wouldn't. If they wanted to be in contact with them they could have contacted you directly to arrange it.

Why are none of his family in contact?
If by ' in laws ' you mean the children's grandparents, then it would be kind to send maybe a card drawn by the children. Unless you have a personal relationship with the GP, or want to have one, I'd leave any present buying to your ex.
And there's no reason for you to buying stuff for his extended family unless it's reciprocal. Again that's for him to deal with.

I don't think you need to do anything. Your children have no relationship with them, so greetings and gifts would be unexpected.

Do you want the children in contact with his family? Or think they want to be in contact with the children?

In that situation I did continue to send cards from my twins to their Grandparents. After a while (where they were trying to sort arrangements to see the girls through their son) they contacted me direct and they now have a good relationship facilitate by me.

That said I knew at the time he was playing the "she won't let me see my kids" card and I wanted them to know I wasn't blocking any contact so it depends on your specific situation.

Why are none of his family in contact?
If by ' in laws ' you mean the children's grandparents
To be honest, I don't know. I was never too welcome in their family, and I am afraid they consider me and the children as a sad mistake on the ex's behalf (I am from a completely different universe to them).

Sorry, by in-laws I mean two sets of grandparents (they are separated and both have remarried), ex BIL and ex SIL.

I think given that they haven’t been in contact to see the children I think the appropriate thing to do would be to send a card from you all.

Not your job. Ex's job!

tbh i couldn't be bothered with even a card if there is no contact and they think you and dc a sad mistake.
you are a nice person for even giving this a single thought let alone asking on mn.

I would send a card from your children so you can tell your children when they are older that you did try to keep contact with their grandparents.

and they think you and dc a sad mistake.
Probably I phrased it too harsh. Ex-MIL did write on her Facebook when ex had a baby in his new relationship "I am so thrilled to become a grandmother at last" (our youngest was only 5 months then, so not like old news), that's why I think so. There was never any direct negativity expressed towards me, just minor things like this.

That's not minor, OP!

If you think any of them would actually like a relationship with the children, then that would be one thing. I.e. if they were just waiting for the chance and didn’t want to impose.

If you think they consider you and your children a mistake, then don’t.

I could also see an argument for sending a card once (like the drawings idea) to see if anyone responds, but dropping it if they don’t.

My paternal grandparents and uncles didn’t maintain contact with me once my parents split. However, one friend of mine is pretty close to his uncle, even though he’s basically never seen his dad/brother/grandparents again. The uncle had moved away from the hometown to make his own life anyway, and he and his wife never had children of their own, so I think that uncle both had the inclination and capacity to stay properly in touch.

Spikeyball makes a good point.

woah wtf. so they don't class your kids as their grandkids but they do count his new partners kid?
if he had a new baby when yours was 5months presumably he was unfaithful? he sounds like a cunt and so do they

Why would you send chocs/cards/presents to people who don't bother to keep in contact with their own grandchildren?

Ex-MIL did write on her Facebook when ex had a baby in his new relationship "I am so thrilled to become a grandmother at last" (our youngest was only 5 months then, so not like old news)

That must have been upsetting for you

Please keep dc away from these people.

Fuck them and send nothing. They all sound like twats.

I would be inclined to send a card with a photo of them so they don’t have the opportunity to forget they exist.
Why can’t your ex see the dc until Easter, is he an astronaut?!

I wouldn't call MIL's comment "minor"! Thrilled to be a grandmother at last !!

Don't send anything to any of them. They don't bother with you or their own grandchildren - why would you bother with them ?

Don't force the relationship, it never ends well for the children.

See what happens at Easter and as they get older. When they can just make cards.

They sound toxic.

I wouldn't be sending them chocolates unless I had laced them with something 😁

Certainly I wouldn't send any presents in your situation. I might still send a card the children have made so that you have kept channels open should your children ask in future. In that way, if they don't send a card back, you know they have actively decided to cut your children off, and they are not just doing it 'because they don't want to upset you'.

They sound petty and unpleasant so your children may be better off without them, but you can honestly say that you tried to rise above any nastiness.

I would send cards from the children with a photo inside, not because they deserve it, but to retain the moral high ground and so if your DCs ever ask you can say you tried.