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Original poster

To wish he would have told me he wasn't going to be home?

32 replies

briecheese · 17/11/2018 11:27

Split up with ex a year ago, and we're still living together. I'm in no position to move out atm, and neither is he. I'm hoping to be out by April though.

Anyway he's been seeing someone for 8 months, and it's starting to grate on me tbh. When he first told me, I was relieved because that meant the attention was off me and onto someone else. He was very bitter about the split and very verbally abusive, so I was happy he met someone. I just thought he would meet someone, and move out. The constant seeing each other, her picking him up from our house, him coming home after being out all day with her, her constantly calling me and speaking in front of me is getting to me tbh. I just wish he would move out, and be with her. I don't need to see or hear it all the time.

When I tell him to stop speaking to her in front of me, he says I'm overreacting and it's only a "short conversation to find out where she is".

But it's not a short conversation, he starts laughing with her and talking about random things, what he ate etc.

Yesterday he packed a bag and left in the afternoon, I don't really get into his business and didn't think much of it. Thought maybe he was doing an sports activity and needed extra clothes. Fast forward to 11pm, I sent him a text asking where he was, because I was going to bed and he forgot to take his keys. He read my message but ignored it, so I went to bed. I woke up at 4am, thinking that he's been knocking on the door and that I didn't hear it. So I looked at my phone, expecting missed calls from him. Nothing.

Pretty annoyed I sent him a text saying " you could have at least told me you weren't gonna come home ". I didn't sleep well last night, he always "forgets" his keys, so wakes me up and knocks on the door 11pm, sometimes 2am .

Don't know why I'm writing this tbh, just venting and so fed up with the situation.

OP posts:
ifoundthebread · 17/11/2018 11:35

You sound like you still have feeling for him, if he's talking to his gf and you don't like it then leave the room. Your not his mother, assuming you both pay rent then he doesn't answer to you. He left his keys, tough shit for him if he came home.

drinkygin · 17/11/2018 11:39

Nothing to do with you were he is, sorry OP. You shouldn’t have text him. I don’t know how neither of you are in a position to move out but I would make it a priority. This isn’t healthy.

StripeyDeckchair · 17/11/2018 11:39

Just tell him that in the future if he's not home by 10pm and not told you he won't be in then you'll be locking the house up & going to bed.
Disconnect the land line (if you have one) and block his number for the night.

Don't engage with him except for factual information.

busybarbara · 17/11/2018 11:40

You're roommates. That's how the relationship should be, act, and work at this stage.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/11/2018 11:41

This doesn’t sound tenable until April. Neither of you are respecting the other’s boundaries and that you’ve separated and are moving on. If you absolutely have to keep living together then you need a proper firm agreement about ground rules and living together purely as flatmates - you don’t get to dictate when he can speak to his new girlfriend or expect him to tell you his plans (beyond being courteous); he doesn’t get to forget his keys and expect you to sort him out.

But really, I think you both need to really see if one of you can’t move out.

Original poster
briecheese · 17/11/2018 11:43

I have no feelings for him, it's just annoying when I'm sitting in the living watching TV should I just get up and leave because he's on the phone to her? He should be the one leaving the room, in the beginning he didn't speak to her in front of me and would go outside or in the bedroom, but seems like he's gotten bit lazy.

I can't just ignore, he will knock really hard the neighbours and kids will hear it. So I have no choice but to get up and open the door, sometimes when I know he's gonna he home late I just remind him to take the keys and he does. But I don't always know what he's doing so it's hard

OP posts:
nikkylou · 17/11/2018 11:43

This sounds like a horrid situation for all involved.

But you shouldn't have to care what he's doing. If he's forgot his keys, his problem. You wouldn't wait up for a house mate or care whether they stay out. You shouldnt for him. I imagine you cared about each other in the past and it's hard to forget that even if you want to.

As for conversation in front of you. Just walk out of the room or tell him to leave as he's disturbing you. But it doesn't sound like the noise or the actual conversation that bothering you, but who it's with.

Try to stop caring. Treat him like a house mate. Its the only way I think id manage this situation.

Popc0rn · 17/11/2018 11:45

I don't get why you were annoyed he didn't tell you? He's a grown man, and if he had forgotten his keys I'd just assume he would ring his current girlfriend and stay at hers tbh. I wouldn't be losing sleep over it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/11/2018 11:48

If he knocks loudly and wakes the neighbour’s kids then that’s his problem to apologise for. What if you’d also stayed out late or overnight? He wouldn’t be able to expect you to let him in.

You need to get this sorted. I have forgotten my keys maybe once in my entire adult life. He isn’t “forgetting” his keys, he’s just relying on you because you’re being too obliging. Next time he does it, don’t go to the door then the next day just tell him you were also out.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 17/11/2018 11:50

If he forgets his key then that's his problem not yours. Get some earplugs or ignore his knocking. He'll soon get the message.

You're being ridiculous about the phone calls though. If he were a regular roommate you couldn't police his phone usage.

lalalalyra · 17/11/2018 11:51

If he's the type that's rude enough to knock until he wakes everyone I'd get a keysafe. It'll stop him waking you, and if he's forgetting his keys deliberately the it'll take the wind out of those sails.

reallyanotherone · 17/11/2018 11:59

her constantly calling me and speaking in front of me is getting to me tbh

a) what is she calling you for?
b) why can’t the poor woman speak in front of you? Is she supposed to stay meekly silent in your presence?

Get chatting, be nice to her, and maybe she’ll take him off your hands :)

As to him phoning her, i’d have more of an issue with a phone call generally while i’m trying to watch tv. I send my oh out the room to make phone calls as i really cba being forces to losten to half a conversation, regardless of who with.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/11/2018 12:02

you should have simply gone to bed, he's an adult if he forgot his keys, TOUGH plus he doesn't respect you atall, you need to remember/focus on that. Flowers

GinandGingerBeer · 17/11/2018 12:05

Well, you might have split up but it's completely disrespectful to rub your nose in it like that. Play him at his own game and get dating or at least pretend you are by answering the phone with a 'hey gorgeous'

I know, not the most sensible advice Grin

VanGoghsDog · 17/11/2018 12:12

Same when I had to live with my ex. Lock the house and put earplugs in. That's what I did.

He had some odd idea that I should go to bed and leave the house unlocked. I was more of the idea that when you go out you take your key.

But if you know he's not taken it, hide it somewhere outside and text him where it is.

skybluee · 17/11/2018 12:13
  • Go to bed when you want
  • Don't wait up for him or let it affect you in any way
  • If he forgets his keys, that's his problem to sort out.
  • He will need to stay somewhere else, or not forget his keys.
  • Do not text him about where he is.
  • If he is knocking on the door at 11pm or 2am, ignore it, it's his mess to sort out.
ShalomJackie · 17/11/2018 12:19

At first he was courteous towards ypur feelings that he was in a new relationship hence not talking to her on the phone in front of you. But now it is normal and you appear to have accepted it then he feels comfortable talking to her in front of you.

There is no reason for either of you to excuse yourself. He is an adult and can do what he wants and stay out all night without having to check back in with this "housemate".

Sweetooth92 · 17/11/2018 12:19

Get a key safe and leave him too it? He should respect that if he’s taking calls to go elsewhere to not interfere with your downtime but you need to try and not take responsibility for him. X

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 17/11/2018 12:21

Wow, you are both soooo U. He sounds like he knows it annoys you when he is on the phone so winds you up. Expects you to be home/let him in. You wonder why he hasn't called etc. It's all just a bit... not quite finished.

Roommate boundaries, now. Or move out before April.

Birdsgottafly · 17/11/2018 12:24

Fit a keysafe or have a hiding place, outside.

Have a mutual respect agreement, which means neither of you conduct phone conversations, if the other is watching television.

You need to start to think of it as a house share and not be so involved. So, as said, don't text etc.

TacoLover · 17/11/2018 12:25

He's not allowed to talk to another girl in front of you? Grin

I want whatever it is you've been smoking, OP.

cardibach · 17/11/2018 12:26

I second sweetooth’s suggestion of a key safe. Keys always available. Stops it becoming your problem and you can forget about where he is and when he’ll be in.

2020ihavenoname · 17/11/2018 12:29

I think he’s trying to make you feel uncomfortable, next time he’s on the phone to her ask him very loudly if he wants a cup of tea and call him darling!!!! Bet he soon takes his calls somewhere in private after girlfriend hears that😄

Crinkle77 · 17/11/2018 12:33

a) what is she calling you for?
b) why can’t the poor woman speak in front of you? Is she supposed to stay meekly silent in your presence?

Think you have got the wrong end of the stick. He is making phone girls to the new girlfriend in front of his ex and it sounds deliberate to wind her up.

kaitlinktm · 17/11/2018 12:38

when I'm sitting in the living watching TV should I just get up and leave because he's on the phone to her? He should be the one leaving the room,

Yes, he should - I think he knows it is annoying you and is doing it on purpose. Just turn the TV up - he'll soon go out then.

Agree with PP about telling him you won't be available to open the door anymore if he "forgets" his keys. I think he is doing this on purpose too. Just don't rise to it and take steps to minimise the inconvenience to you.

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