Mil will only see dc’s at sil house

[Goandplay]

DC’s are going for sleepover at SIL’s house. When MIL heard she said to DP oh I’ll go sleep there too so I can see them.

MIL never sees my DC unless it’s a birthday or in the circumstances where SIL is doing something with them or looking after them.

MIL doesn’t visit with FIL. MIL doesn’t come when I’m away or not home. MIL doesn’t like us visiting (including just DP with kids).

I feel like this is bizarre behaviour. I feel like my DC’s will realise they only see Nan under these circumstances. Their cousin (SIL’s child) sees nan lots so their relationship is different / closer. I feel this might impact my DC’s.

Am I being unreasonable to think this situation is not ok?

That should read that I don’t think I’m the sole issue for her not visiting because she doesn’t visit when I’m not home either.

It does seem an odd one. What does your Dp think? How old are the kids? Is it a distance thing with Sil being alot nearer to her than you?

In the end your dp or indeed you are going to have to ask her. If there is anything in her avoiding you /your home then you would need to stop them spending time with SIL if she is going to get to them.

Thanks for your reply.

We all live in the same area. I’m actually in between MIL and SIL.

Kids are 13, 6 and 5.

DP is in agreement that she actively avoids our house unless she has to come due to birthdays or Christmas. He thinks the children won’t have a relationship with her if we stop them from going under these circumstances.

I feel like my children will feel inferior in comparison to their cousins. SIL’s child doesn’t ‘get’ that they share nan. Her child will say that she has a car seat in nan’s car etc. (Which is a strange thing for a 5 yo to say anyway) This child also has sleepovers with nanny but my DC’s aren’t even invited for a visit.

It feels like if MIL isn’t particularly fond of me the ‘feeling’ is transferred to her own son and grandchildren.

If she doesn't like you don't waste any more time on her. Let the dc go to sil for a sleepover but don't try and force a relationship with their nan. She will lose out in the long run as your dn is obviously her favourite. How do you get in with your SIL?

I get on reasonably well with SIL. She blows hot and cold but we get on well in each other’s company.

My in laws were like this.

I have no useful suggestions unfortunately as it continued with MIL until she passed away and FIL has chosen to ignore us since her death 4 years ago.

With us it was me that was the issue I think as they were involved with all the rest of their grandchildren however they were more than happy to take money off us when they needed it but they never bothered with any of our children (so no taking them to the park, going anywhere with them, having them over for tea etc & would pretty much not bother speaking to them if we went to see them unless the kids forced them to speak iykwim) but would have DSS every weekend (to the point that we didn't get to have him overnight as he was staying with them!) and they took BIL's children away frequently, had them overnight & for tea etc.

Do you have a pet she does not like or is allergic to?

Is there anything about your home she may struggle with? Pets, stairs, no parking? Do you and dh have different standards of cleanliness she may not be able to handle?

Has anyone asked her?

That's nothing my MIL told my DC not to tell her other GC that she was also their grandmother! They were 4 and 12 at the time. They were told not to call her grandma when other GC was around, he was 2 at the time.

Have you ever asked why she seems to be reluctant to come to your home? If not, you're more likely to get to the bottom of this by asking her than by asking strangers on the internet.

We don't like visiting one of DP's siblings. They're very loud, have very loud kids, always have the tv on and noisy PS games making loads of racket. An hour at their house does my head in, and it's impossible to have a conversation. So we generally avoid it.

Why hasn't your DH raised this with her before?

I don’t think I’ll ask her why she does it because whatever it is it extends beyond my house. It includes her house. We are not welcome there.

DP has been raised to not ask family awkward questions. They never disagree with each other. They ignore stuff till it goes away.

DP says what will we gain for asking. In his words she doesn’t care about our family.

In fairness to him he has asked before about things and it doesn’t get you anywhere.

I think I’m more asking what to do about the situation.

Nothing; let the kids go on other days etc and stay as is.

Say to SIL it’s werid and I don’t want it happening anymore. I don’t think I can tell SIL what she can and can’t do though.

Stop sleepovers and visits. Again it’ll feel like my DC’s suffer.

Just leave it. Your dc will figure it out and as adults, they will decide whether they can be bother with 5heir gm

I suppose if IL visiting won't upset them & they enjoy their time with SIL then the pros might outweigh the cons?

Was she never interested even before SIL had her kid?

I agree. She needs to be asked directly. Or speak to FiL if you think he'll tell you the truth.

The only thing I can think of is that your DC aren't well-behaved (or at least not up to her standards) when they're around you/DH, but that at SiL's they're better behaved? Or vice versa, she thinks you're too authoritarian and things are more relaxed at SiLs? I'm not saying it's true, just the only reason I can think of for not wanting to be around your DCs when you and DH are around them too, but not having a problem being around them when you're not.

And I hate to bring up the old MN MiL/DiL chestnut, but was there any type of 'incident' in the past between you and her? Even something silly that you think is long forgotten?

My sibling and I were the less preferred cousins as my father’s mum and my mum hated each other. As all the other 3 of my grandparents had died by the time I was born, I didn’t really have any grandparents to speak of. We had limited contact with my grandmother but no loving relationship. I wasn’t sad when she died and I never felt deprived or sad about her lack of love for us. But I think that was because we had 2 loving wonderful parents, a tight knit family unit. And my parents were open and honest that she did not treat us well but that it wasn’t our fault. Never bothered me at all. I feel sad about not meeting the other 3 though, as they were all apparently very lovely. Honestly, if you and your husband are stable and loving to your children, I think that’s all they really need. I’m not minimising the incredible role that many grandparents play and all the love they have to give, but am just trying to show that sometimes you don’t miss what you never had, in an effort to give you some hope that your children may well be ok with the way things are in years to come.

X-posted. If you don't like to ask, then I think the DC having a relationship with the GP should continue 'as is'. It would be a bit hurtful to me, but as long as the GP weren't undermining me or saying bad things I guess I'd shrug and let it go.

PP is right. The DC will figure it out at some point and make their own decision.

You have a 13 year-old. Surely they've twigged already?

Is your house clean? She might be restraining herself from saying something and so doesn’t want to go at all. That was the issue between my mum and my bro’s wife.

It could be a mother daughter thing. My b’n’law was the primary carer of my sister’s son and my mum didn’t agree with some of his parenting to do with safety (my b’n’law is very lad back, my nephew at aged 3 was allowed to run to the edge of a busy road by himself as my b’n’law’s theory was he always stopped at the curb). To avoid falling out with my b’n’law, my mum spent less time with them but was happy to babysit if they asked. Your m’n’law maybe feels closer to her own daughter and more relaxed with her. But you won’t know until you ask her.

I’d perhaps let it go ahead this time and speak to your 13 yo about interactions with your mil.