Mil will only see dc’s at sil house

[Goandplay]

DC’s are going for sleepover at SIL’s house. When MIL heard she said to DP oh I’ll go sleep there too so I can see them.

MIL never sees my DC unless it’s a birthday or in the circumstances where SIL is doing something with them or looking after them.

MIL doesn’t visit with FIL. MIL doesn’t come when I’m away or not home. MIL doesn’t like us visiting (including just DP with kids).

I feel like this is bizarre behaviour. I feel like my DC’s will realise they only see Nan under these circumstances. Their cousin (SIL’s child) sees nan lots so their relationship is different / closer. I feel this might impact my DC’s.

Am I being unreasonable to think this situation is not ok?

It sounds like she favouritises SIL family over yours, and there is nothing much you can do about it, unless you confront her. I would stop bothering with them, your children will and probably have already figured it out themselves, and they will have very little to do with their grandparents.

I wouldn't allow anyone who openly and actively treated my family and children like second best to stay in their lives. I think your DH is making a mistake by not calling her out on this behaviour, and his father since he is a grown up with choices of his own to make, too, and telling them it stops or they are cut off entirely.

Is it possible that it's SIL that has a problem with her mum visiting you and you being in your MIL home? Could she be jealous? Especially as you had children before her? Or could MIL be doing this because she worries that her daughter may be jealous?

I'd suggest letting it go and, if the DC raise it with you, perhaps say that people are different, and some are more difficult than others, and it's nothing they have done.

Big confrontations and 'demanding answers') are generally a stupid idea, particularly when the issue is that someone clearly doesn't like you very much. The one who starts it always looks like a self-important twat, and the other person will just be confirmed in their ideas that you are not someone they like or want a closer relationship with.

Thank you so much for all your replies.

Our house is clean and tidy and MIL has often said what lovely children we have and what good parents we are.

Spoke to DP today and he said his feeling is that she just feels awkward around me. It’s not that she dislikes me but maybe she just doesn’t get on with me.

Outside family members have said in passing this part of the family is like a magic circle so I think it’s that I’m an outsider. No other in laws have be around for as long as me, they’ve come and gone.

MIL did say many years ago that it’s different when your daughter has a child. This was after my first child was born and well before her daughter had her children.

I had a moment of feeling rejected today, I’m feeling better about it. It’s probabky a good idea to let it run as it does and allow them to have the limited relationship they do.

I worry that when she is no longer here anymore my DP and DC’s will feel resentful towards me even though she is perfectly welcome in my home, I’m polite, make chit chat and drinks etc.

Thanks again everyone.

I wouldn’t let my DC go. This happened to me as a child I just didn’t understand (still don’t) but when I think back on it I am resentful (although love her dearly) toward my DM. I felt she made me go and left me to be ignored. I was left on the couch not to talk not to eat while the othe DC were allowed to play laugh eat out the fruit bowl etc. That was 40 years ago

OP my mum is like this with my DB. Do you invite your MIL over? My Dmum would never visit either of us without invitation, she is very reserved and is afraid of stepping on toes/interfering. My dc see a lot more of her as 1) I live closer but mostly because I invite her. I know my mum probably feels more relaxed with me than SIL (who is lovely btw) simply because I'm her daughter. It sounds like your MIL is similar.

Before having grandkids was her dd a favourite over her ds? Maybe she likes the grandkids well enough but has some problem with your DP rather than you? That would explain her being keen to see them when they are at your sils but not your DP taking them to hers without you.

DP was probably the favourite. I can’t judge her on this because it’s a story I heard second hand but she used to only carry a picture of him not her other 3 DC’s. Their relationship changed a few years after was cane on the scene. Now thinking about it she sometimes reminds me of the mum he had when we were first together but most of the time she’s not the same with him.
Maybe the issue is something between them.

SIL has been jealous previously of the relationship I have with FIL. MIL and SIL are the only women in that family group and we’re very much the queen and princess.

I’m a bit more of a do it yourself kind of women. Stand on my own feet financially etc.

I have to say when she’s with my DC’s she clearly loves them and treats them all the same. Their cousin only sees her more often and probably gets more ‘gifts’ thoughtful cards and keepsakes but actual attention when altogether I would say it’s pretty fair. SIL is also quite fair as far as I can tell with the children.

We have invited her previously but maybe I’ll invite her more officially with FIL for dinner.

The crucial thing here is whether she is treating them the same when with them.
I you say she is so in that case, I'd leave it for now.
Your dc probably won't notice or care about whose house etc

Imo she knows full well sil would not be happy if she saw your dc but not hers. So she doesn't.
My ex mil was the same.
Dc have no relationship with her as adults.

Ok. Well it sounds like there is some sort of esoteric dynamic but who knows if asking straight out would get any answers. I suspect not. Maybe you just have to accept how it is and remind yourself, not my circus, not my monkeys. It's about them not you.

As an auntie to 3 siblings' sets of dc it's bloody hard to be fair. I do have preferences but do my best not to let it show. I don't think anyone is fooled. There are always complaints about division of time.

This is why I love Mumsnet. I feel like I have a much better perspective on it and also maybe some things I’ve not thought of.

It's different when your daughter has a child!?!

Wow. She actually said that?!?

Perhaps have your DH present her with paternity tests on the children and ask her what else she needs to treat them like first class family members.

@Tinty 😱