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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grown up nieces not acknowledging cousins birthday

67 replies

B15Girl · 16/11/2018 20:05

My DS was 13 a few weeks ago and my two grown up nieces, 25 & 28 didn't send him a card or get him a present. Elder neice is even his god mother. We are a close family and we all went round to GPs for a meal the day after his birthday and even had a birthday cake with candles but not even a card was forthcoming. Both have good jobs and earn way more than me and I know it's not about giving to receive but I always buy them nice birthday presents often with no acknowledgement. DS has knows he didn't get anything from them and looked very dejected. Do I say something or just let it go? I am really cross about it.

OP posts:

Newtothis2017 · 16/11/2018 20:57

I have never bought a card or present for a cousin

Childrenofthesun · 16/11/2018 20:59

I would say it's normal to buy presents for nieces/nephews but not for cousins.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 21:00

Cousins dont buy presents or cards for each others birthdays. Crikey that would be expensive.

AdalindShade · 16/11/2018 21:01

I've never bought my cousins birthday presents or cards, and I meet up with them regularly, in addition to family get togethers. I generally remember to sent a message on the whatsapp group chat. I think you and DS are perhaps being a little over sensitive.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/11/2018 21:04

I buy for my nieces and nephews, and my siblings buy for my child but I wouldn't expect something from the cousins tbh.

Do they usually buy him anything or did their parents give him a gift?

Windycindy · 16/11/2018 21:05

Do you buy for your cousins?

Podemos · 16/11/2018 21:06

If it's the oldest who is godmother, she was 15 when he was born? Hardly a role she thought through and can't really be held to account that she 'chose' to take this on and so should buy him a present. Apologies if he was baptised at age 4+ and she was older when she accepted responsibility for being godmother - still don't think it means a present though. And personally I just hate the card giving (and receiving) tradition. They were there in person to wish him happy birthday - complete waste of money and resources to put it in a card too.

Original poster

B15Girl · 16/11/2018 21:07

DS was dejected because GP and Aunt gave presents and cards at his birthday lunch but cousins didn't. They buy for his sister who is 18 but not him. As a family cousins have bought for cousins once they were independent which is why to not even receive a card was upsetting. DS is not the sort of child who is demanding or feels entitled, I think he was confused more than anything. As for making a minor a God parent that is personal choice, she was 2 months off 18 when he was christened and is totally irrelevant as to Whether she should have bought him a present or sent him a card.

OP posts:

ourkidmolly · 16/11/2018 21:08

Well if they have always done so and it's customary in your family, then yes, it's mean and unthinking. They're not teens, one is knocking on 30. And for a godparent that's v poor. Perhaps have a quiet word and ask them if there's going to be a no present policy going forward. I wouldn't continue buying for them.

eddielizzard · 16/11/2018 21:11

It's mean and thoughtless. I wouldn't buy them anything next year.

pallisers · 16/11/2018 21:12

I would say it's normal to buy presents for nieces/nephews but not for cousins.

Agree. Do their parents buy for your son? If so, that is the same thing. They are grown up now - you don't need to give them presents if you don't want to - in our family it would be unusual to give presents to nieces and nephews once they are working and cousins would never buy for each other.

pallisers · 16/11/2018 21:13

That's weird that they give his sister presents but not him.

RippleEffects · 16/11/2018 21:14

I'm from a big family older and much younger cousins. I haven't tended to buy for cousins except on special birthdays with associated events. Neither have they brought for me. I guess its one of those things the older generation had done.

As we've gone on to have children, we buy for each other's.

So, I'd ask historically has your aunt/ uncle managed the present buying maybe naming their DC (the cousins) on the gift? Is it one of those things that has flown below the radar. Even though they're earning good money its not registered as their role to start buying for their cousin.

bringbackthestripes · 16/11/2018 21:16

My grown up nephew doesn’t buy for my DC because his mum & dad buy for my child in the same way I buy for him & his sis but it’s a bit odd if they buy for his sister. I’m guessing they have more in common with an adult female than a teen boy. Maybe they buy her more because they are friends than cousins? A bit sad for DS though. My DC & friends considered 13 to be quite an exciting birthday as they were finally teenagers.

Maelstrop · 16/11/2018 21:16

They bought for his sister-because she socializes more with them being more their age, maybe. Not buying for him is not nice if they bought for his sister. Are you going to speak to them?

I buy cards for my cousins, they don't for me because they were the babies and I was the grown up and their mum buys for me.

Bishybarnybee · 16/11/2018 21:17

Surely DS would only be dejected if you made him think he should. My kids would never have expected presents from their adult cousins. I give to my nieces and nephews because I want to, not because I expect them to give back. I think you're probably encouraging him to feel bad.

Wednesdaypig · 16/11/2018 21:18

So when ds reaches 18 he's going to buy for them? Like your dd does? How convoluted. I thought it would be normal for aunts and uncles to buy for cousins from the whole family. I still put my dds' (mid 20s) names on cousins' cards.

Birdsupinthesky · 16/11/2018 21:20

It sounds as though it’s about expectation and what you associate gifts with. Perhaps your son thinks that presents = love, and thinks it means the cousins don’t like him/value him?

Do they make him feel special in other ways - make a fuss of him etc?

I have 5 godchildren and I don’t send them presents on birthdays or at Christmas, however I do make an effort to spend 121 time with them, take them out for the day etc. I want a relationship and not to be seen as a distant cash cow. Gifts are not the only way - and certainly not the best way in my opinion - of showing you care.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 16/11/2018 21:21

Cousins don't buy gifts for each other in my family. I think you're overreacting.

We stop buying presents for adults

ShadyLady53 · 16/11/2018 21:21

Do they buy for your daughter every year or was it just because 18 is a special birthday?

If all the cousins always buy for each other that does seem a) unusual and b) like your son was deliberately excluded on this occasion which of course is wrong.

However, I’d also look into your son’s behaviour (being upset and dejected) as no one is entitled to receive a present and perhaps it’s a good time to address this.

mylightbulbmoment · 16/11/2018 21:26

18th birthday is different. And they’re closer in age to his sister.

You need to realise he won’t always get the same.

Original poster

B15Girl · 16/11/2018 22:34

They buy for his sister every year, not just because she was 18. DS does not associate presents with love but it was a birthday meal and everyone else gave him something. He never expects anything, he's not like that, probably the least demanding or expecting child I know. It was just that they usually buy and then all of sudden didn't, not even a card. He was not upset just confused that they came to the meal, ate the cake and didn't give him a thing when his other two cousins did.

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/11/2018 22:34

Also consider that young people dont actually send physical cards anymore. Its social media messages. Physical cards are for older people and are on dinosaur watch.

jerkkneed · 16/11/2018 22:35

Sometimes it's a relief in a way when this happens as you now know not to buy them anything.

This happened to me with an uncle and it was a pain to always go out of my way to where he lived to post the card (knew his house by sight but not the actual house number or street to just pop a stamp on and post) as he lived quite car journey away.

Come my bday and DCs and there's not a peep so I stopped cards and just used to send him a message. He doesn't even do that for us so I stopped that too. No hard feelings, just can't be bothered if he's clearly not bothered.

Heard on the family grapevine he's upset that no-one bothers with him!! Why don't some people see that people will treat you how you treat them?

Original poster

B15Girl · 16/11/2018 22:41

My lightbulb, why do I need to,realise they won't always get the sameu?

OP posts:

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