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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset?

40 replies

IratePanda · 16/11/2018 19:14

So, on Wednesday I was admitted to hospital at 36+6 weeks pregnant with suspected pre eclampsia. Came on super suddenly, as I was fine the day before at the midwife appointment, but the next day, severe swelling, headaches, nausea, protein in the urine and high blood pressure. I'm still undergoing tests, and they're trying to find a way to stabilise me until my scheduled induction on Thursday, but if it has worsened tomorrow they want to deliver. Anyway, for the last few days DP has been great, we only really have one another as his family is 300 miles away down south, and I am NC with mine. Today he texts me saying he may be late because he wanted a bath, which was fine. Visiting on the ward is 12pm to 9:30pm for partners, so it wasn't a big deal. Then an hour or so later I get a text saying he feels a bit overwhelmed with the situation, and needs a bit of time before coming up to calm himself down. Again, I understood. Then after another few hours he says he doesn't feel well, has been dry heaving and shivering.. Anyway, fast forward to now, he's still not been up to see me, and I've been sat on my own upset, and worried sick about our baby all day. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset that he seems to care more about that than coming to see me while I'm in this predicament? I really needed him.

OP posts:
wallowinwater · 16/11/2018 19:19

You're not being unreasonable at all, I'd be livid. It won't help you to focus on that though, try and relax as much as you can. Is he usually so self centred?

OftenHangry · 16/11/2018 19:23

Or he really is dry heaving and shivering and might be worried it's a bug which he could give you or other patients.

OftenHangry · 16/11/2018 19:24

Hope it all goes well for you x

GimbleInTheWabe · 16/11/2018 19:24

It doesn't seem like he's offering you much support today @IratePanda. I'm co fused though - is he saying he's unwell if he's hovering/Dry heaving? If so, surely a hospital isn't the best place for hi anyway (though obviously the timing is terrible).
Is he probs to dramatics?

YANBU at all to find this upsetting though, you must be really worried but rest assured that you are in the best place possible and try to relax if you can.

GimbleInTheWabe · 16/11/2018 19:25
  • shivering.. not hovering which would be quite impressive really.
Original poster
IratePanda · 16/11/2018 19:26

Not self centered as such, but pregnancy so far has not been easy at all, and whenever I say something like "Oh, I'm feeling really rough today" he's always got to try and one up it. Despite my numerous health problems, and him being pretty healthy by comparison. He's usually great, but sometimes I think he doesn't realise that it's not about him anymore, it's about our baby. I'm absolutely distraught. But feel like I'm selfish for needing him right now.

OP posts:
JimmyJones · 16/11/2018 19:27

I’m not making excuses for him and I obviously have no idea, but there’s something going around at the moment. We’ve all had it and it seemed to start with just feeling odd/out of sorts, not really a ‘must be coming down with something’ type of feeling.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP Flowers

Original poster
IratePanda · 16/11/2018 19:29

He has IBS which makes him prone to vomiting on occasion, but he is very dramatic and always seems to have something he feels is equally as bad.
The nausea isn't an uncommon thing. It just feels like he can't be arsed.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 16/11/2018 19:30

If he's sick, then it would be very selfish to turn up to hospital and risk passing it on.

Do you not believe he is given your comment it's not about him anymore but the baby?

TheBigBangRocks · 16/11/2018 19:32

It sounds draining, you both moaning about illness.

willyloman · 16/11/2018 19:32

Can you call on a friend? Or treat yourself to tea/cake/chat with nurse/another mum. Focusing on absent partner is not going to help your mood right now. You need to focus on yourself. All the very best. Flowers

JustJoinedRightNow · 16/11/2018 19:32

Does he suffer from panic attacks OP? Sounds like with the shivering and dry heaving it could be something like that, rather than an illness coming on that suddenly for him.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, I hope you’re OK and try to rest. You’re in the best place x

Woohoo1 · 16/11/2018 19:37

I’d not contact him or reply to his messages. Hopefully it will shock him into getting to the hospital if he doesn’t hear from you. Good luck Flowers

missymayhemsmum · 16/11/2018 19:39

Yanbu to feel upset and unsupported, but your DH may not be the best person to support you as he is obviously having issues of his own. Can you call a friend? Or your MIL?

Celticlassie · 16/11/2018 19:46

It sounds draining, you both moaning about illness

I think being hospitalised due to preeclampsia is a little more than moaning about illness.
I'd be furious in your place, OP. The shivering and dry heaving sound like an excuse to me. Hope a very apologetic DH turns up soon. Thanks

Original poster
IratePanda · 16/11/2018 19:47

I don't really have many friends, I'm pretty solitary, as is he so we only really have each other. I don't know many people where we live.
I'm trying not to let it stress me out but it's hard.

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 16/11/2018 19:47

Yanbu. Sounds like it’s anxiety related and he’s avoiding you to try to ignore what’s going on. He needs to step up. While i understand his potential issues, babies aren’t something you can opt out of because it’s too hard. Does he have a friend/sister/someone else who could call him and male him see sense? What happens if you call him and say you understand he’s worried and anxious but this isn’t an optional thing? Maybe he could go to the GP for anxiety medication (though I suspect it might not work quickly enough gor your current situation...)

Tistheseason17 · 16/11/2018 19:53

Don't worry, OP.

You are in the best place and once you have had your new baby you will get to meet loads of new mums locally and not feel so isolated.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/11/2018 19:57

It depends. In a healthy, mutually supportive relationship people don't try to one-up their partners by pretending to be ill whenever the other is, or act "dramatic" around health stuff, or need reminding that "it isn't all about you" when their partner and unborn child are in hospital.

But

In a healthy, mutually supportive relationship people don't assume their partner is lying about being ill or assume that they "just can't be bothered" when they report nausea and disorientation.

So something very off is happening here, OP - you clearly don't have a very good relationship. I'm sorry to be blunt, especially when you are ill and scared and heavily pregnant, but the dynamic here is troubling.

Strongmummy · 16/11/2018 20:00

He has anxiety which he’s trying to deal with. However, he needs to step it up a gear to support you and your unborn child.

Lovemusic33 · 16/11/2018 20:03

It does sound like anxiety rather than a bug, sounds like he’s struggling to cope with what’s going on (worried about you and the baby), people might assume he’s being selfish but he can’t help the way he reacts to things, anxiety can be horrible and make you shake and wretch, it’s easy for people to say ‘man up’ but it might not be that easy. I can see why you are upset though and you have every right to feel upset and pissed off. Hopefully he can calm himself down and visit you tomorrow.

Seryph · 16/11/2018 20:07

Just to play devil's advocate here, there is a terrible, terrible stomach bug going around right now. Which starts with feeling a bit odd, then the shivers, then about nine hours of absolute hell. So, if that is what's happening, I really feel for him and he definitely should not come anywhere near the hospital.

However, if you really feel you need the support, and he isn't actually ill, then yes of course he should be with you. Have you actively said to him 'I need you here'? Sometimes people need to be asked, rather than us assuming they know what is going on.

He is probably also finding this really stressful, just as you are and you'll need each other for support.

HumphreyCobblers · 16/11/2018 20:07

It sounds draining, you both moaning about illness

The OP is in hospital with pre-eclampsia! Not complaining about a bit of indigestion ffs.

No wonder you are upset OP, your DH should be supporting you through this, not indulging in competitive illness. I wouldn't normally be so harsh except you indicate he has form for this.

This situation couldn't be more clearly about you and the baby, NOT about him.

Missingstreetlife · 16/11/2018 20:09

Ibs can be stress related, not imaginary but worse when worried or upset. Can he get to work ok?
Don't think he is going to be your rock. Sorry. Maybe he will get hold of himself, but sounds like he goes to pieces in a crisis, maybe step up tomorrow or later. You will need to make other friends for support anyway, in longer term. Hope he is kind and reliable elsewhere. Hope all goes well4u.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 16/11/2018 20:11

I think he is terrified. The thing is, when we are shit scared, we act irrationally.
Not to say that you do not thr upmost support.
I wish you all the best to you and your baby Flowers

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