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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should buy house with me, not his father

36 replies

Littleheart5 · 16/11/2018 18:18

For background we have been together three years. DP’s father is very controlling, tells each of the (fully grown-30’s!) children where to buy their houses/whether to change jobs etc.
He has wanted DP to buy another house with him for years. They already own one together which they bought years before we met, it’s rented out.
I now want DP and I, who are planning marriage etc, to buy together rather than continue renting. His father wants him to buy this new house with him. DP feels like he should as he told him he would a few years ago, once he had the money. His father would be putting in none of the deposit- that’s all DP’s money, but would be “managing” (😐) it for him. No amount of me softly/not so softly telling DP WE should be buying a house together seems to move him. The house is in another city so we would never live there.

He is scared of displeasing his father, as he is extremely moody and it then affects his mother.
AIBU to think the situation is simply ridiculous? We are mid 30’s. I don’t want to buy a house alone, we have good jobs and could get somewhere nice together, by myself I’d afford 2 bed apartment. He can’t afford to buy a house with his Dad and a house with me.
Any advice on how to convince him he doesn’t have to keep this kind of promise, and that it’s unreasonable of his Dad to expect him to do so?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 16/11/2018 18:24

You've already told him.

Sorry, but it appears that his relationship with his father is much more important to him than his relationship with you.

Holidayshopping · 16/11/2018 18:26

If he isn’t going to stand up to his dad on this one, I would walk away from the relationship now-he is showing that he just isn’t preparedto be an adult

He wants to pay the deposit and a mortgage on a second house whilst he is paying rent himself? That is just crazy.

Candlelights2345 · 16/11/2018 18:29

This would be a deal breaker for me. If he wasn’t prepared to commit in this way, I would be walking away and making it very clear why.

AnnabelleLecter · 16/11/2018 18:33

So if he doesn't do what they want, he's responsible for his father's moods which then upset his mother?
His dad acts like a horrible child.
Do you also have savings towards a deposit? You should be pooling them and buying together, otherwise I'd buy the flat on my own, if I were you.
If he goes ahead, against you, tbh I would get out fast. He'll never put you first while he can't say no to his controlling dad.

HerBigChance · 16/11/2018 18:33

Agree with PP. He should be making his own decisions. This kind of conrolling relationship will never end, even if you marry and have children. I would be walking away from this now.

LanaorAna2 · 16/11/2018 18:34

DP and DF sound like they know how about financial management.

Given that rent is money down the drain but no strings, and that a BTL with Daddy is permanent & to make money, it's pretty clear that DP's finances are telling you the truth about your relationship a lot louder than he is.

I'm really sorry - you sound great - but DP isn't seeing a future with you right now. He's chosen to lose a lot of money monthly to ensure you and he don't share anything, and given the cash he's got left to his dad.

Get rid - believe you me, he'll be horrified. He's benefiting from you while dodging any investment, emotional or financial.

Bananalanacake · 16/11/2018 18:35

His dad tells him when to change job? Can't your dp just tell him to butt out and leave me alone.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/11/2018 18:44

I would be rethinking the whole relationship. If he can't stand up to his DDad now, he never will. Tying yourself to someone like that through a mortgage, marriage or kids will not bring you any happiness.

Itsnotadonedeal · 16/11/2018 18:48

Bear in mind you'll be on the hook for extra stamp duty if you buy with this buy to let obsessed pair. They sound horrid - like most house hoarding people they probably haven't got an ounce of dignity or morality.

RebootYourEngine · 16/11/2018 18:57

I would be seriously considering this relationship. He is allowing his father to tell him how to live his life. Imagine what it would be like if you have children.

Mxyzptlk · 16/11/2018 18:58

The Dad bullies his wife and his adult offspring and now his bullying is going to extend to you.
DP should tell his Dad "My priorities have changed."
Of course, maybe his priorities haven't changed.

Rachelover40 · 16/11/2018 19:00

You need to speak firmly. Tell your partner you want to buy a house with him and if the subject comes up with his dad, just say it's kind of him but the pair of you can manage on your own.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/11/2018 19:00

Don't buy anything with him. Buy your own house/flat and live there separately from the bully dad and separately from the bloke who's not ready to stand up to him.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/11/2018 19:00

This is a huge, giant red flag fluttering jauntily in the breeze, OP.

You are currently going out with a man who will always put you third - after his controlling father and potentially upset mother. You think if you can just find the right words, then you can persuade him to put you and your future first, but it goes much, much deeper than that.

If you stay with him, you can't ever pretend to be surprised when this happens over and over again - and if you marry, their control will be extended to you. And if you have kids, they will want to control them as they control your boyfriend.

My advice? Have the argument about it now. Tell your boyfriend that you can't stay with someone who is so enmeshed with his parents. Don't just brush it aside and hope it will fix itself - it won't. This will end up being the make or break issue of your relationship, so you might as well have it now, before kids, houses and weddings.

AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 19:04

I hope you don't have children with this guy?

He has a LOT of work to do on disentangling himself emotionally and practically. Being in a relationship with him will be a nightmare unless/until he does. And it has to come from him.

I suggest you give him a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, ask him to read it and do some thinking about what he wants from life and his relationship with you.

I think you should be prepared to walk away if he is not willing to consider that his relationship with his father is dysfunctional and needs to change.

Original poster
Littleheart5 · 16/11/2018 19:06

You’re all right, and I really appreciate the advice. I appreciate the kind way you’ve all said it too.
I’ve been battling with it from the beginning of our relationship. DP doesn’t like to discuss the hard things, we’ve a few amazing holidays planned and would rather focus on “the nice things”.
I agree it’s a red flag and find DP’s Dad really difficult to be around because of how he speaks to his mother.

I have been looking for the some magic words but the fact of it is it’s a plain issue, he’s either in or he isn’t. The problem is I really love him, I know he really loves me. I just can’t seem to get him to grow up and detach from his father in this way

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 19:09

"I just can’t seem to get him to grow up and detach from his father in this way"

Of course you can't "get him" to do it. As I said, it has to come from him. Perhaps you showing him that you are genuinely willing to walk away will be the wake up call he needs, perhaps it won't. But if he's not open to "growing up" he's not good husband or father material, is he?

Iloveacurry · 16/11/2018 19:10

Unless your DP says no to his father, then you have no other option than to walk away.

It sounds like your DP is very controlled by his family, not sure I’d want to be in a relationship with someone like this, or have kids with him.

AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 19:10

Also, sorry to point this out but if you do want children and you're mid-30s, you can't exactly afford to wait 10 years for him to get his shit together.

Laiste · 16/11/2018 19:11

You can't make him detach. If you carry on with this man and have children you will be completely trapped in a relationship with him AND his family. ie his father.

The stress of this house business is nothing to the stress of fighting over what you want and he/they want when it comes to your own flesh and blood. Why continue with a future filled with all that?

SendintheArdwolves · 16/11/2018 19:13

It's a cliche because it's true - you can't make anyone change.

You can only decide what you are and aren't prepared to tolerate, and make your decisions based on that.

Who knows - losing you may be enough of a consequence that he decides to change, but that has to be for himself, not you. And can you imagine the fallout if his horrible parents decided you had "made him choose"? Or the guilt he would feel if he set boundaries to please you but still couldn't bear to upset his parents? Imagine your life in twenty years, when they are old and in need of care and you have to suck it up and see them every week because they're old and they need their son? And having to sit there with twenty years of gritted teeth and power games and manipulation between you.

Call it now, OP.

Mumminmum · 16/11/2018 19:15

You OH is just not that into you.

Sethis · 16/11/2018 19:16

Here's a typical line of progress:

  • Meet
  • Date
  • Date more
  • Live together
  • Talk about buying house
  • Buy house
  • Have kids
  • Grow old etc

Of course if you have kids before buying house, no worries.

Point out that this is what most people expect when in a relationship they intend to stay in.

Not buying a house with you = not having a house for your potential children to grow up in.

Ask if he'd rather his children grew up in a rented house where they could be evicted any day, or in a house you both owned together.

If that doesn't change his mind then absolutely nothing will, and you may well be better off dropping him sharpish so you can start hunting for someone who DOES want to buy a house with you to raise a family in.

maddening · 16/11/2018 19:16

Also let dp know - he puts all the money in, his dad needs care - they will take the house. It is a legal minefield imo

LunaTheCat · 16/11/2018 19:24

You sound lovely and it must be heartbreaking - I am so sorry. If your partner is not putting you first now that is an enormous red flag - take care.