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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should buy house with me, not his father

36 replies

Littleheart5 · 16/11/2018 18:18

For background we have been together three years. DP’s father is very controlling, tells each of the (fully grown-30’s!) children where to buy their houses/whether to change jobs etc.
He has wanted DP to buy another house with him for years. They already own one together which they bought years before we met, it’s rented out.
I now want DP and I, who are planning marriage etc, to buy together rather than continue renting. His father wants him to buy this new house with him. DP feels like he should as he told him he would a few years ago, once he had the money. His father would be putting in none of the deposit- that’s all DP’s money, but would be “managing” (😐) it for him. No amount of me softly/not so softly telling DP WE should be buying a house together seems to move him. The house is in another city so we would never live there.

He is scared of displeasing his father, as he is extremely moody and it then affects his mother.
AIBU to think the situation is simply ridiculous? We are mid 30’s. I don’t want to buy a house alone, we have good jobs and could get somewhere nice together, by myself I’d afford 2 bed apartment. He can’t afford to buy a house with his Dad and a house with me.
Any advice on how to convince him he doesn’t have to keep this kind of promise, and that it’s unreasonable of his Dad to expect him to do so?

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 16/11/2018 19:25

YANBU. Sadly it doesn’t sound like your partner is willing to compromise or consider your needs as a couple ahead of what his father wants.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you have a future with this man. It’s a really tough situation but if children are important to you then you need to decide sooner rather than later whether this relationship is going to go the distance and, if not, make the break and move on.

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 19:34

i hate ultimatums but here I think you need one

BumbleBeee69 · 16/11/2018 19:36

has DP's Father indicted that You do not have a future with his Son and this is the bottom line ?

Momasita · 16/11/2018 19:36

sendintheardwolves hass summed it up beautifully.

That's all there is too this.

You love him, you want to throw your eggs into his basket, in many ways.

He on the other hand just doesn't love you enough to to do that.

It's going to rot your relationship if you accept it.

OftenHangry · 16/11/2018 19:37

His dad isn't "difficult". His dad is an abuser.
Can't believe people are going on about "DP not being willing to compromise" He simply can't.
And the dad is a smart one (not a compliment!) using mum as a tool to get your DP and other kids to do what he wants. They probably saw a lot of things no child should when they were kids
Maybe, before you "get rid", counselling session might help to open his eyes.

Momasita · 16/11/2018 19:41

Another thing op you said... I just can't get him to see...

Nothing will until you leave him.
Then he chooses you or his dad.
You can't make him choose or persuade him. It has to come from him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/11/2018 19:54

As Hangry says - his dad is an abuser.

He gains all of the advantages from this scheme, and takes no risks, and has no responsibilities.

If it goes pear-shaped, your DP is the one who would be financially responsible - just remember this if you decide to marry and have children with him. He will need to change his mindset - he has been controlled and abused for so long that he isn't even aware that it is happening, any more than a fish is aware of the water it swims in - it's just the way things are.

You will have a job on your hands and you'll only succeed if your DP is prepared to take a step back and look at what is happening to him, and how he is reacting. He may not be prepared/able to do this.

OftenHangry · 16/11/2018 20:13

Try to contact these www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

They might be able to give you some advice.
Good luck to both of you! And to the rest of the family in getting from underneath dad's power.
It's hard, but all it can take is one person to at least try to help x

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/11/2018 21:07

His dad isn't "difficult". His dad is an abuser

This ^^

I married a man like this and spent far too long waiting for it to be "my turn" to be considered at all. Whether it was his mother, his job or something else there was always a "reason", when actually the basic truth was that he simply didn't care enough about me to make it happen

Please don't make my mistake

pinkdelight · 17/11/2018 10:28

His dad is massively abusive and unless DP realises this and starts to work on detaching then you're in for a world of pain. Course he'll be fucked up anyway from having such an abusive role model but at least if he's aware and is working on it then you can help him and build a life together. But if he stays under his dad's control you haven't a hope, sorry. His dad is clearly (horribly) smart and will do anything to get his own way. And whatever you buy will be DP's anyway if you marry and then his dad can whittle away at that until you have nothing. Worst case scenario of course, but you have to take his actions seriously and be very careful here. This can't be brushed under the carpet with nice holiday distractions. It's fundamental to your future together. YANBU but unless what you think becomes much more important to DP, it isn't possible.

Fullofregrets33 · 17/11/2018 13:55

Hi lovely I really needed to comment on your dad because it has identical similarities to my life expect I am in your husbands position. My dad is controlling. I've posted on here about it before.
We are in our 30s,married, 2 kids and my hubby and I have been together for 16 years! Yet my father still thinks he has the right to control BOTH of us over our purchases, choices we make in life.

I will just say this. I have always been weak and gave in to my dad for an easy life, and to stop him ranting at my mum.
My husband has been an absolute Saint putting up with it over the years.
I had a realisation a while back that i didn't want to live that way anymore. I was going to push back, be more assertive, tell him after we do things, not before, if at all. The more I've done it the stronger I felt.
My husband pointed out to me, all my dad does its rants and raves at me or mum. It's just words. Why am I so scared? Either walk out, put your foot down and tell him I'm a married adult and don't need his permission to do things, or if he decided to not speak to me then great! My life would actually be improved without him speaking to me!
So I've completely changed. What has since happened is my dad has actually started respecting me more and accepting my choices. I feel amazing!

If your husband is willing to do what I have you will succeed. If he is not or cannot, I advise you to think strongly about your future with this family because it will overshadow every part of your lives, more so if /when you have children. Good luck xx

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